When I was younger, I thought that working hard and getting good grades would lead to a fulfilling job and help me advance up the ladder at work. But now that I’ve been employed for more than a decade, I find myself going through the motions of meaningless work, still facing student debt, and feeling like no matter how hard I work, I’m treading water and not advancing. I could leave, but I worry that every corporate job is like this. What do I do?

Sincerely,
Unfulfilled

Dear Unfulfilled,

It sounds like you’re in a struggle that many young adults share. These are the challenges of modern times, in which you are trying to lay down solid roots and advance in a career. You are frustrated, working away with your wheels spinning in the mud on what seems like a dead-end road. At the same time, you’re working hard to stay employed and chip away at compounding student debt. When we consider all of these factors together, it makes sense that you have concluded that life is unfulfilling and devoid of real meaning and purpose. It all feels rather futile, I imagine.

Nevertheless, there remains an opportunity in this strife to author a meaningful existence for your life. To author one’s existence is an intention that you must choose to live by every day. This kind of existential authorship requires you to be a present, creative, brave, and active participant in your life.

In your question, there is a dilemma in which you must choose between carving out a new path for yourself or establishing meaning in your current situation. Each of these two paths has pros and cons. I invite you to take some time to map those out on your own.

My goal is to give you a dialectical behavior therapy (DBT, as described by Lane Pederson) method to create a more fulfilling life path. This method is rooted in the notion that human beings are creatures of habit and benefit from consistent and predictable routines. Therefore, I recommend keeping your sleep, wake, and mealtimes consistent throughout the week.

However, the shadow side of developing consistent routines is that you can get bored and burn out. If you get too rigid, you will likely rebel against the beneficial structures that you are creating. Hence, according to Pederson, you must also infuse your routine with open space and time during which you can be creative and unstructured.

Related: A Brilliant Way to Organize Your Calendar for Less Stress

You see, within our lives is a tension between the things that we must do to survive and those activities that bring us joy and meaning. To maximize our sense of leading a fulfilling life, these two poles must exist in a balanced relationship.

It sounds like your focus is currently on the “must do” end of the scale, and weight is needed on the “meaningful activities” side. Therefore, a helpful and immediate step forward is to intentionally add back into your life those things that you love to do. If you do not know what those are, then it is a time to be playful and experiment with different activities and see what brings you joy. Be curious and explore!

A straightforward and effective way of protecting yourself from boredom is to put creative playtime on your schedule. During this time, be spontaneous, go with the flow, and do something unexpected and exciting. Also remember that (aside from sleeping, waking, and eating) every day does not have to be identical.

From this general framework of a daily routine, there are other components recommended in this DBT approach, based on Pederson’s work. For instance, part of your structured routine must include a commitment to fulfilling ongoing responsibilities. You will increase your success if you break long-term responsibilities into smaller actionable steps to be completed weekly. So create a daily, weekly, and monthly action plan to ensure you are meeting your life duties.

Be sure your responsibilities are also inclusive of activities oriented toward fulfilling your life values, goals, and plans. By attending to these, you will begin to notice a growing sense of fulfillment. Integrate daily practices that enhance the mind, body, and spiritual well-being. These practices can include many different things, such as meditation, yoga, exercise, and time in nature.

Then consider what rituals or traditions you would like to add to or restore in your life. These can be traditions connected with the seasons, holidays, or simple daily ones like a morning coffee or tea ritual. The possibilities are endless. Ask yourself, what interests me? How can I keep life fresh? What can I do to be playful and engage in something new, even if it’s driving home via a different route? When you identify these, place them on your daily schedule and do these activities often. It is like putting money in the bank that increases your vitality, and you can make withdrawals when you are attending to those “have to” tasks.

Related: 3 Easy Ways to Spark Joy Without Cleaning a Thing

The last component Pederson outlines is to envision a wholesome, full, and fulfilling life. The best advice I have here is to keep your end goals in focus every day, and, at the same time, stay patient, dedicated, and steadfast in your pursuit. You must remember that developing a fulfilling life plan and path takes time and repetition. Forgive yourself when you fall back on old habits, and then get right back at it without any energy expended on judging yourself.

You may consider keeping a journal or notebook that you can use to map out the above components and have a writing space that you can refer to in order to hold yourself accountable.

Life is continuously happening and will continue to do so with or without anyone’s participation. The constant invitation to us is to take charge and dive into life, knowing every moment is precious and tomorrow is not guaranteed. We must never waste a single moment!

I thank you for writing in with your inquiry. It is a question for an entire generation of folks working to carve out a meaningful and fulfilling future. I wish you the best on your journey!

Warmly,
John

References:
Pederson, Lane. The Expanded Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Training Manual, 2nd Edition: DBT for Self-Help and Individual & Group Treatment Settings. PESI Publishing & Media. Kindle Edition.

The post Create a Fulfilling Life appeared first on Sonima.

My dad has gone through some hard times with his health in the last year, and it’s really changed his perspective. It seems like he always finds the negative in everything. To be honest, being around him brings me down too. After all he’s been through and at his age, I want him to appreciate the good things he still has. Is there a way to get through to him and change his outlook? And if not, how can I avoid “catching” his negativity when I spend time with him?

Thank you,
Seeking the Positive

Dear Seeking the Positive,

Thank you for writing in. I can feel how much you love and care about your dad. I imagine it is tough to balance holding your care and concern for him while also protecting yourself from his negativity. Your question has a lot of depth, and when I read it, the words of the famous psychologist Rick Hanson came to mind. He teaches that, “the brain is like Velcro for negative experiences, but Teflon for positive ones.” He further points out that our experiences can be shaded by a negativity bias.

In simple terms, the negativity bias is a research-based concept that suggests we humans seem to be more influenced by negative perceptions than by positive ones. Perhaps this is because, as we evolved, noticing threats served our survival better. Threat monitoring makes it so we can take evasive and protective action to stay safe and perpetuate our species. However, the pitfall in this is that if all we notice is the negative, that is the direction in which our attention and energy will go. Therefore, we must be intentional about discovering and seeing the good that is also around us in moments where we are indeed safe.

If we hold this model in mind when we think about your dad, one hypothesis is that the illness may have amplified his predisposition to notice what is negative over what is good. He is on alert mode and perhaps more attuned to what is wrong internally and externally. I know this sort of insight doesn’t make his negativity feel any better for you, but perhaps developing this awareness can call forth greater compassion for where he is at. It also doesn’t mean that you should not address it or set effective boundaries with him. Maintaining healthy boundaries is an act of love, not a punishment. They protect the relationship.

Related: Help Me Save This Friendship

It is true that the extent to which you can transform your dad’s perspective may be limited. He must want that for himself. However, you do have control over how you would like to be in your relationship with him and how you can let go of whatever negative stuff he puts on or around you. It is on this domain that I offer the following contemplation.

A Practice to Focus on the Positive

The first step is to open psychological space and freedom by sitting in stillness and connecting to deep breathing. So take a few wholesome, long, slow, deep breaths that flow down into your belly and pelvis, and draw up some of the natural good healing medicine from the earth. Carry that up through you to awaken compassion in your heart.

Next, call into awareness a recent event that challenged you. Observe what interpretations you hold about this event with respect to yourself, to others, and to the world in general. Notice where you may be caught in some form of negativity. Does this challenging experience spark any negative statements about yourself, others, or the world? Are you judging? Shoulding? Othering? Craving, desiring, or wanting in a way that is perpetuating further hurt or suffering? If so, can you sit in the space of these challenging thoughts and emotions with a soft recognition that it is OK to have them? Then, can you recognize that this is a moment of hurt for you—and allow it? Take a few moments here and be gentle with the breath.

When you feel centered, proceed by setting the intention that you are going to make a conscious move toward growth.

The next step is to reflect on this same experience to determine if you are neglecting other important details of it due to the negativity bias. What parts of the experience may have some good in them? Do not dismiss this possibility without looking. There is likely something good in the situation, or if not in the situation, in the people involved, how you worked your way through it, or how you may be able to grow as a result of the experience. What comes up for you?

When you have identified some good in this experience, then let it steep. Give yourself permission to pause here, letting yourself savor and embody this goodness. Much like it requires time to let a good cup of coffee or loose-leaf tea steep to maximize the delicious flavor, we can let ourselves steep in our positive cognitions, sensations, and emotions resulting from our experiences. When you feel that you have let the positive soak in, take a moment to set an intention to carry this good, healing energy forward with you.

When you are ready, close out the practice by coming back to the breath and having a good, long exhale through the mouth. An audible sigh is a great way to signify the letting go and completely release the meditation.

As you move forward from this practice and in life, stay true to this intention to do your best to stay alert to the good that is happening around in all moments, and put your focus there. The more you focus your lens, the more clearly you will see.

Thank you again for writing in. I wish you the best on your journey!

Warmly,
John

Acknowledgements:
The author wishes to acknowledge the teachings of Rick Hanson, PhD, and Kristin Neff, PhD, for their scholarly contributions that have influenced this author in his own practice and formulating this article and related practice.

The post How to Deal with Negative People appeared first on Sonima.

I often look back on my life and think of all the regrets I have. There’s a list of things I wish I had done instead of what I actually did. What can I do to let go of the past and accept that I cannot change it?

From,
Stuck in the Past

Dear Stuck in the Past,

Thank you for writing in. I think most of us have thought about our personal histories in the way you describe and, indeed, the facts of the past are not something we can change. However, we can improve our relationship to how we currently hold ourselves and our history, and this is what we will focus on here.

In reflecting on our past, we may fall into a trap known as the hindsight bias. This is our tendency to judge our past experiences from the perspective of our current knowledge and skills. This perspective can cause distress. When we apply our existing knowledge to the past, we may conclude that we should have known better or done something different to prevent the thing from happening.

This type of thinking can lead to false conclusions. These erroneous conclusions do not consider the possibility that the adverse event may have happened anyway, or at a different time. Furthermore, we must consider that most people act with their best knowledge and skill set at the time. Therefore, it is unfair to compare your past self to your current, more developed self.

Remembering and understanding this bias is a path toward making peace with the past and freeing up our energy to be intentional in the present moment. The hindsight bias sounds useful from a theoretical stance, but how can we liberate ourselves from unhelpful beliefs we have developed?

The remainder of this article describes a meditative process on how to let go through self-compassion. You will need a quiet space, a journal, and a moderate amount of time to complete this practice with integrity.

A Meditation Practice to Let Go of the Past

1. Take a few moments to quiet down and observe your breathing.

2. When you feel settled, call into attention a memory or event from your past that you feel able and ready to release.

3. When you have this event or memory in your awareness, notice how it affects you. Record what images, physical sensations, emotions, or thoughts come up for you. Typically aspects from our past that haunt us cause some physical tightening, tensing, or gripping in our muscles. You may notice changes in your breathing pattern or perhaps alterations in your heart rate.

It may be helpful to pause here and record your observations. Then, for now, allow your experience to be as it is. There is nothing to do and nowhere to go with it. For the moment, let it be.

Related: How to Meditate Anywhere

4. Inquire within yourself and determine what other significant events may have been going on in your life that may have influenced your past actions. Do this with compassion and without self-blame or judgment. When you feel that you have gathered all this data, take a moment and write it down.

5. Next, reflect on how this event may be impacting how you think about yourself. How does it change your feelings about others or your relationships with them? How does it affect your current view of the world in general? For example, does this thing that you wish you had done contribute to you believing that you are blameworthy or flawed? Do you think that others think less of you? Does this experience shift your belief that the world is mostly a benevolent place where you can have a meaningful life? Again, pause and record your reflections.

6. Once you get these written down, see if you can challenge them. A couple of helpful questions you can ask yourself include: a) Are these 100% accurate interpretations? b) Are they serving your healing or keeping you stuck? If you conclude that these are false beliefs that keep you stuck, then it is a good idea to figure out an alternative version of them.

Challenging these thoughts will enable you to begin to release them. This process can be tricky. A helpful technique comes from self-compassion teacher Kristin Neff. She suggests thinking about what you might tell a close friend if they were suffering in a similar way as you are. I invite you to enter this inquiry and see what you find. Then, when you feel ready, write the statements down.

7. When you are ready for the next stage, shift toward offering the loving and kind statements that you would say to your friend to yourself. Recite these statements to yourself while sitting in meditation. Notice how offering these more loving phrases to yourself may shift your experience in contrast to where you were at the beginning of this entire practice. Again, notice your thoughts, emotions, and the physical sensations in your body. In what ways did bringing this element of self-compassion into your practice shift your experience? Do you feel more able to release the old, habitual ways of thinking about your past and trust in your new perspective?

You will likely have to work this practice several times over and modify it in any way necessary to increase its resonance for you. Take your time and be patient and kind with yourself.

Thank you for writing in with your question. I wish you the best on this journey.

Many blessings,
John

The post Learning to Let Go of the Past appeared first on Sonima.

Anytime I need to make a decision, it seems that I ask every single person close to me what they think I should do. I tell myself that I want to be fully informed and not miss any “blind spots” before I make a move. But even after I make my decision, I sometimes end up wondering if I did the right thing. Is this normal? And how do I stop all of this overthinking and think for myself?

With gratitude,

Crowd-sourcer

Dear Crowd-sourcer,

I think most of us can relate to your question in that we’ve likely felt challenged by a daunting decision at some point. What comes to me when I reflect on your words is the journey that every person must make toward trusting yourself and overcoming the fear of failing.

Self-trust is developed incrementally across time through practice and experience. My chosen route toward developing self-trust is mindfulness. In this context, mindfulness involves growing familiar with yourself and clarifying your values, wants, and desires. These critical dimensions of self-awareness are necessary to live a values-based and purpose-driven life. These elements are always alive within, and they are there to be discovered or remembered—we simply need to be awakened (or reawakened) to our inner guide.

The meditation practice is a process of lifting away barriers that we’ve built between our inner guide and our conscious awareness. It involves a quieting down in order to allow your inner guide to be heard. Here is a short and simple mindfulness practice, inspired by the work of American philosopher Eugene Gendlin to help move you toward discovering your authentic self and learning to trust yourself.

A Meditation for Learning to Trust Yourself

1. Find a comfortable, safe, quiet, private place where you will not be disturbed. Choose a relaxing position, whether that is sitting, standing, or lying down. Breathe and, if it feels OK for you, close your eyes. If not, practice with a soft gaze.

2. As you breathe, feel the breath as a doorway to presence. Take a few moments to gather your awareness through these natural breaths. Let the breath be exactly as it is. Feel that there is nothing to do in this moment other than settle in and breathe.

3. When you feel that you have reached a centered place, relax a hand or both hands onto your heart. As you do so, notice what you feel physically, mentally, and emotionally. This is your baseline state.

4. Now bring a situation to mind on which you need guidance. I recommend starting with an easier decision rather than a big one.

5. Visualize this situation and, slowly, one by one, imagine the different actions you could take.

6. As you bring these different possibilities and their related actions to mind, notice what feedback you get. Take mind of the thoughts, images, emotions, and sensations in your body.

7. If you explore a particular possibility and feel nothing, that is an indicator to let that option go.

8. Your body will give you a resounding “yes” when you have hit upon what may be a good decision. Spend a few moments sitting with that decision and confirming that it feels right.

When you feel complete with this practice, intentionally come back to your breathing. Close out the practice with a feeling of gratitude for yourself for taking this time to practice. Intentionally release the meditation with an exhale, and return back to your day.

Related: Find the Confidence to Celebrate Your Successes

The Next Step: Take Action

Now it’s time to put your insight from the meditation into practice. Given your question, I want to share a few reflections on how you can frame this stage of the practice.

As human beings, we must accept that we cannot take in an unlimited amount of data about a given situation. We do not have infinite computing capacities, and in most circumstances we are also bound by time. Overthinking a situation can lead to inaction, as we may become frozen.

But life constantly invites us to act. In that action, we must do our best to hold healthy and ethical intentions, consider the available data we have from all sources, decide, act, and ultimately trust that we can be with whatever the outcome is, no matter how difficult. We must also acknowledge and release what is forsaken in our choices. It is our duty to accept that we may miss the mark and to take responsibility when we do, recognizing mistakes as learning opportunities.

Stepping into responsibility like this can absolutely be scary and overwhelming. However, choice and responsibility are what makes our freedom possible.

Warmly,

John

The post Do You Really Trust Yourself? appeared first on Sonima.

I’ve been a perfectionist my whole life. I feel like I could always be doing better, and when someone else points out a mistake I’ve made, I mentally beat myself up for weeks. Is there a way to stop this rumination and learn to move on after I make an error or disappoint myself?

Signed,

Little Miss Perfect

Dear Little Miss Perfect,

You raise numerous concerns that speak to our need as humans to do our best, be effective, get things done correctly, and please others in the process. Naturally, when things don’t go as planned, we can get caught in self-blame and feel criticized and judged. If left unchecked, this can make us feel stuck and depressed.

It may help to deepen your awareness of how your thoughts, emotions, and related behaviors act in relationship, so I offer the below method, which draws from cognitive behavioral therapy.

The Thought-Emotion-Behavior Triangle

Usually our experience goes something like this:

1. There is an event that happens to us.
2. We have a thought or thoughts about the event.
3. We have an emotion about what happened and the thoughts we’re having about it.
4. Usually these additional thoughts result in more emotions about what happened, which may fuel further thinking about what happened, which then creates additional emotions on top of the original emotions. This can repeat many times over.
5. This entire chain then leads us to engage in a behavior. This behavior, as well as our thoughts and emotions, can be either positive or negative.

This model can be pictured using the Cognitive Triangle.

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In this triangle, the event is in the center, and in response to that event we have think, feel, and do at each point of the triangle. The arrowed lines of the triangle reflect how each corner of the triangle is in a bilateral relationship to the other corners. This means that by exerting changes on one point of the triangle, we can bring changes to the other sides as well. So, by changing our thoughts, we can change our feelings and behaviors, and the same applies to any combination of the three.

The components of your situation are:

1. Event: someone points out a mistake you’ve made
2. Thinking: “I could always do better”
3. Feeling: disappointment
4. Doing: a) mentally beat yourself up for weeks; b) ruminate

Is the Thought Helpful?

Next, you want to examine these components. Ask yourself:

1. Is the thought “I could always do better” accurate?
2. Is it helpful?

To answer these questions, it may help to see if the thought fits any of the following categories of unhelpful thinking styles:

• Filtering out the positive and letting in only the negative: letting your entire view of the situation be tainted by negatives.
• Jumping to conclusions: fortune-telling or assuming we know what will happen in a situation or what others are thinking.
• Taking things personally or taking on more blame than is warranted in a situation.
• Catastrophizing: assuming a situation is much worse than it is.
• All-or-nothing thinking: viewing a situation as either perfect or completely ruined, or thinking a person is either all good or all bad.
• “Shoulding” (in an unhelpful way). For example, “I should always get things right the first time.”
• Overgeneralizing: assuming what was in the past will always be the way of the present and future.
• Labeling: putting ourselves or others in a “box.”
• Emotional reasoning: making decisions based upon emotional impressions only. For example, if you feel bad, then you may think that anything you do will not feel good or be fun. You let your emotions taint the moment for the worse.
• Amplifying or minimizing: amplifying the positive traits you see in others and minimizing the good you perceive in yourself.

If your thought fits one of the categories, that is good evidence that it is unhelpful and is not serving you in a positive way.

Related: The Surprising Upside to Negative Thinking

Shifting Your Thinking

Having taken time to reflect on your thought, is there another way that you can think about your situation?

For example, can you try removing the word “always” from your thought and get more specific to the circumstance at hand? It is likely that there have been situations in which you could have performed better, as well as situations where you gave your all and that was enough.

Notice how I am specifying the situation’s nature of the thought, rather than generalizing the thought to all situations. “Sometimes” is usually more accurate than “always”. The key is to create a more balanced and realistic thought that does not fall into any of the unhelpful thinking styles above. Take time to workshop your new thought.

Once you come up with it, check how you feel after having that thought. Does your behavior shift also? For example, you may notice that you feel relief, and instead of ruminating and beating yourself up, you simply get on with your day with a clearer mind and a relaxed body.

Another approach is to reframe your thinking about mistakes into learning opportunities. Rather than beating yourself up, can you get curious about how this situation is grist for the mill? What can you learn from it that can lead to greater mastery in the future? This helps move you toward a growth mindset instead of a fixed one.

The last point I’d like to discuss is how to get out of rumination when you are in it. Like anything, there are numerous methods that can be utilized. I suggest a very simple concept called objectifying the thought. (This exercise is from The Relaxation and Stress Reduction Workbook by New Harbinger Publications. Kindle Edition.)

When you notice you are caught in rumination, choose one of those worrisome thoughts and objectify it by visualizing it coming into form: What colors does it have? What shape? If the thought had a smell, what would it be? Is it an object that has a sound? Would this thought have a certain flavor or taste?

By putting the thought into an objective form, you can visualize acting upon it to release it. For example, perhaps the thought appears as a storm cloud in the sky that has lightning and thunder. You can then imagine that by connecting to your breath and using deep breathing, you can blow these storm clouds away and visualize sunlight brightening the now open blue sky.

We covered quite a lot of material. Take time to play with these concepts and practices. Approach this material from that growth mindset with your goal being to learn and grow, rather than worry and dwell. You will know when your process has yielded a good enough solution because you will feel better and freer. Trust yourself.

I thank you so much for writing in and entrusting me with your question. I wish you the best on your journey.

Warmly,

John

The post Break the Cycle of Perfectionism appeared first on Sonima.

If a loved one asks something of me, I’m immediately there to help them. Yet I feel that if I asked them for a favor or expressed my true needs, I’d be burdening them. I tell myself I’m fine going with the flow, but then I sometimes feel angst for not asking what I want. What can I do to become more comfortable speaking up about my needs—and not feel like a burden when I do?

Thank you,
A Friend in Need

Dear A Friend in Need,

Thank you for writing in. It sounds like you are a very caring and compassionate person who is there for your loved ones. You are also aware that it is easier for you to give than to receive. Or perhaps it’s more accurate to say that it is difficult for you to ask, and therefore you do not have the opportunity to receive. In either case, I think many readers can relate to your angst.

I can tell you it is no burden for me to contemplate your situation. I also want to reflect to you that writing in about this challenge is a successful step toward moving through your fear. I encourage you to take pause and notice how you feel hearing this feedback. You are not a burden for asking me your question. In fact, reflecting on your question is a growth opportunity for me to think about how I give to others and receive in return.

There are a few areas for you to explore. But first note that usually one’s current belief structure has roots in one’s past. Uncovering that is beyond what I can offer you in a brief article. However, if that idea sparks your curiosity, I recommend working with a psychotherapist to delve into it.

Now, the first area to explore is recognizing that your avoidance of asking for support is essentially robbing you of opportunities to receive the support you need and to overcome feeling like a burden.

In naming the avoidance, the next step is to connect to your courageous self so you can set up opportunities to practice asking others for help and support. Essentially what we are doing here is skill-building, and all skill-building takes practice and more practice until it becomes habit.

Identify safe and kind others in your life of whom you feel comfortable asking. Once you have, it’s best to scale your requests and those whom you ask. This means to start with very small and safe requests from the kindest of people in your life. This will set you up for success that will build your confidence. With each success, you want to raise the stakes by moving up your fear hierarchy to a slightly less familiar person. The result is that you will feel comfortable making requests of whomever you would like.

It will be valuable to track your successes along this path and to use them as counter-evidence to your belief that you are a burden to others. Take time to reflect on the fact that others are responding to your requests positively. Come up with related positive self-statements affirming this new reality that others do care about you and are working to support you. This could be as simple as, “Others care about me and support me.” Then rate the believability of this new statement on a scale from 0 to 10. At first your rating may be lower, but over time, with more success, your rating will likely increase.

Of course, as part of this process you must also be OK when someone says no. The key when we are met with a “no” is not to take it personally. Everyone has a right to say no to our requests, just like we have a right to say no to theirs. Being in relationships is a balance of give and take, so we must be willing to compromise and negotiate in situations where there is not a “yes.” This goes back to the word “practice,” which involves repetition in the service of proficiency and mastery of a skill. Even “no” situations are growth opportunities. They present us with a window into how we work with frustration and how we can channel that energy into further psychological development.

By working with and through your fear, you are strengthening the psychological “muscles” of self-esteem, self-worth, confidence, mindfulness, and interpersonal effectiveness. Each of these domains is important and interconnected to build healthy and meaningful relationships. Furthermore, in learning how to ask for what you need from others, you will unburden yourself and them from the resulting frustration and disappointment that comes with being unfulfilled.

Related: Are You Over-Communicating in Your Relationship?

I hope you find these suggestions helpful. In implementing them, it will be important to practice patience, compassion, and kindness toward yourself and others. If you would like to delve deeper, I would recommend working with a cognitive behavioral therapist who can support you as you navigate this process.

I wish you the best and thank you for writing in!

Warmly,
John

The post Finding the Courage to Ask Others for Help appeared first on Sonima.

Whenever I accomplish anything or something exciting happens to me, I find that I downplay it to my family and friends. I feel embarrassed when they ask me about any successes that I’ve had because I don’t want to seem like I’m bragging—even about normal things like a small promotion or buying a new car. Is it something that I should change? And if so, how?

Thank you,

Humble Brag

Dear Humble Brag,

Thank you for writing in. You ask an important question that is tied to a psychological need we all have to appropriately feel good about ourselves and confident in our talents, abilities, and contributions to the world.

You are right in implying that most people do not want to be considered a bragger or be thought of as overly boastful or arrogant. The very fact that you are sensitive to how others perceive you leads me to believe that you are not likely at risk of being these such things. Furthermore, your discomfort is a familiar feeling that many folks have, so rest assured you are not alone.

In response to your question, if your hesitancy to share your success is something to change, I sense that you are aware that this behavioral trait limits your happiness and fulfillment in your relationships with family and friends. Therefore, let’s explore how you can grow more confident about celebrating yourself.

Meaningful and sustainable change in many cases is built on a foundation of self-love and self-acceptance. Existing in a state of constant self-judgment and blame robs one of the vital life energy that is needed to put one foot in front of the other and take the first step toward transformation. Therefore, the foundational work is to hold a compassionate and loving space for oneself and say “yes” to life’s challenges. This is counter-intuitive to our more instinctual tendency to avoid the hard stuff. The moving toward what is real is a mindfulness practice.

The mindfulness practice that I would like for you to try involves four steps. The first two steps are contemplative and include meditation, and the last two are about putting the discoveries of that meditation into action.

1. Quiet down in meditation. (If the concept of meditation is new for you or sounds too esoteric, sit down in a quiet space where you will not be distracted and focus on your breathing.) When you feel settled, bring into awareness a recent experience that you feel comfortable working with in which you had a success or accomplishment, such as those examples you gave in your question like getting a small promotion. When you have this experience in your awareness, let it be there and move to the next step.

2. Connect to how you feel about your accomplishment. Spend a wholesome amount of time really savoring how amazing this experience is. This is a counter move to what I am guessing you usually do, which is gloss over your positive feelings and/or minimize them or dismiss them outright. Pay careful attention to how you are experiencing these positive emotions, feel this beautiful sense of fulfillment, and take note of and let yourself have the full array of pleasant thoughts and feelings. Becoming familiar with and allowing yourself to celebrate you and your accomplishments are vital steps to being able to share those very things with your loved ones. Once you have practiced this step several times over and feel confident, move to step three.

3. Use your findings from step two to share your accomplishment with a trusted family member or friend. You may find it helpful at first to rehearse this on your own or have a script to follow. I recommend including something like, “I am so excited to tell you about this amazing thing that I did…” Develop your own authentic language about your achievement. Remember that this step is a practice and it does not have to go perfectly. It is OK to fumble or stumble over your words. We must recognize that whenever we are trying to take a growth step, it takes commitment and practice, which means repetition and a non-judgmental attitude. After you have told your loved one about your experience, you are ready for step four.

4. In the presence of your loved one, truly enjoy and relish the positive feelings of what you achieved. Celebrate yourself even if your partner does not respond as you expect. Feeling good about yourself and your positive accomplishments is a healthy and vital part of your development.

Repeat the above practice as many times as feels right for you to solidify this new way of being in the world. It is essential to celebrate yourself and your achievements to keep up your excitement and zest for life.

Many blessings,
John

Related: A 5-Minute Meditation to Start Building Your Practice

The post Find the Confidence to Celebrate Your Successes appeared first on Sonima.

My best friend is competitive with me. Whenever anything good happens to me, she becomes aggressive and defensive. I love her and value our friendship beyond measure, so I let these uncomfortable moments pass without comment. But sometimes her nastiness simply hurts my feelings. How do I gently set boundaries without losing her friendship?

Sincerely,
Boundless

Dear Boundless,

Thank you for writing in. Having challenges in friendships is a concern that so many have, and finding a healthy way to address them is a path toward more fulfilling relationships.

I agree with you that your friendship would benefit from healthier boundaries and increased communication. It is a positive and a strength that you feel there is a foundation of love from which these new qualities can grow. Your love shines through in your desire to be gentle in how you approach implementing a new way of interacting in your friendship.

We must also recognize that no matter how hard we try to be delicate, ultimately, we cannot control how others choose to respond to us. There is a risk that your friend may be hurt. Therefore, I recommend that you focus on clarifying for yourself what an authentic approach and language would be in this situation.

Determine What Matters Most to You

One way to connect to authentic language is through quieting down in meditation. The intention of the meditation I will guide you through below is to clarify your values and wants for this specific friendship. I suggest you read through the steps before engaging in the meditation to develop an understanding of the approach, and then come back to the beginning to initiate the practice.

1. Find a safe and comfortable space to practice where you will not be interrupted.

2. Sit comfortably and lie down.

3. Connect to your breath. Focus on belly breathing, concentrating on cultivating long, steady, slow, and deep breaths. You can check on your breathing by putting one hand on your low belly and the other on your heart. Breathe down into the belly hand and feel it rising more than the heart hand. Once you have established that depth, then proceed.

4. Place both of your hands onto your heart and imagine you can breathe into your heart.

5. When you feel settled, ask yourself these question or similar ones that resonate with you more completely: What do I want and need most in this friendship? What matters most to me? How can I best communicate this to my friend?

6. Listen for the answers. They may come in the form of flashes of images in your mind or felt sensations in the body; you may mentally hear or see a word or words; or you may receive your answer through some other channel of awareness.

7. Allow yourself to stay open to receiving all these teachings from within your heart or your inner guide until you feel complete. That may be a short period of time, or it may be longer.

8. End your meditation session with a feeling of gratitude, and use an exhale to release the practice. Spend a few moments journaling about your experience so you do not forget your insights.

Related: Don’t Let Others Push Your Buttons

Turn Your Meditation into a Conversation

The next step will be to convert your journaling toward language that you can gently and assertively communicate to your friend. Here are a few guidelines to assist you in creating your statements.

1. Review your “script” and ensure that your language is precise and descriptive. For instance, rather than saying something like, “I notice you get aggressive toward me when I have a success,” instead try saying something like, “I notice that when I told you about X accomplishment, you did not congratulate me, and you starting talk about Y.”

2. Check to see that you are clearly expressing your emotions and what behaviors of hers those emotions are tied to. It will be more effective to convert her “defensiveness” into specific observable behaviors that are clearly defined. This might include how she may deny or counterattack you when you confront her on her “nastiness”.

3. Use as few words as possible to avoid muddying the waters with unnecessary apologetics or filler words.

4. Take additional quiet time, as in the meditation practice, to visualize the interaction with your friend. Focus on a mental image of your friend and try to hold the image in a space of compassion. Then imagine communicating your script to your friend. As you are doing this, again notice what feedback you get through the different channels of awareness (images, words, physical sensations, etc.).

Spend as much time here as needed, and then when you are done, again journal any revisions you feel are needed. You can repeat this process as often as you like until you feel complete in the process.

Be Confident During Your Talk

When the time comes for the actual conversation, do your best to monitor your body language, tone, and physical posturing. It will be important for the non-verbal and verbal to be congruent. Poise yourself with confidence, firmness, and determination. Also, do not get sidetracked if your friend attempts to distract away from the conversation.

Lastly, if you continue your friendship, work on acknowledging the moments when your friend is kind, congratulatory, and complementary. The more the positive is acknowledged, the more weight it will carry, and eventually it will replace the negative style of interaction.

Thank you for writing in. I am confident that you will find the way toward working with your friend to build a more satisfying friendship. I wish you the best on your journey.

Many blessings,
John

The post How to Set Boundaries with Friends appeared first on Sonima.

Dear At a Loss, 

It sounds like this is a time where your partner needs support, and you are also recognizing that your ability to provide that support is reaching or at its limit. Compassion fatigue is a common experience that caretakers feel when overwhelmed. It is OK that you feel this way, and it is vital that you can recognize it. Here we will focus on a couple of steps you can take to more effectively care for your partner and yourself.

First, I think it is helpful to recognize that grief is not something that has a clear and definitive end. Rather, I think of it more as a lifelong process in which there will be times of differing levels of hurt, loss, and longing for the deceased. It is true that there tends to be a natural recovery period following grief. During that time the initial intense symptoms eventually lessen and fade. It is very likely that those feelings will reappear over the years, but oftentimes in a way that is manageable.

In psychology when we look at bereavement, the typical expectation for adults is that the emotional intensity associated with the loss will diminish within 12 months. If grief disrupts one’s functioning in different life areas such as social and familial relationships, work obligations, or other important areas beyond the 12-month mark, then it may suggest the person is experiencing complications with their grief and may benefit from professional support. Additionally, connecting your partner to professional support may protect your relationship from further erosion. If you decide to make this suggestion to her, do your best to be gentle, kind, soft, sweet, and loving in your encouragement. For many, seeing a therapist—especially if they haven’t before—can feel scary and in some cultures even stigmatizing (even though it should not be so). If therapy feels overwhelming to your partner, you may even consider offering to accompany her to the first few appointments.

Related: The Essential Couples Communication Secret

In the meantime, to help your partner move forward, it will be wise for you to do your best to first accept that her grief is a moving and living process that is natural and healing. As her process will ebb and flow, you will have to find ways to be able to stay present to her during the changing tides. This will involve you staying open to recognize when you are at the edge of your emotional tolerance. In those instances, it will be essential for you to take time for self-care.

When you are feeling emotionally balanced and centered, it’s a good time for you to reflect on and determine what sort of self-care you need to sustain yourself and be a loving presence in her life. Consider scheduling in time where you can take care of yourself physically (perhaps some form of exercise or yoga), mentally and emotionally (consider meditation, individual counseling, or hanging out with friends), and spiritually (such as spending time in nature, seeking spiritual communities, or prayer and contemplation).

Your self-care will be in service of you being a cornerstone for her. She likely needs you to accompany her as she feels her grief, and you will need to have those activities and practices available so you can release whatever emotions come up in you and empty your vessel so you can remain buoyant for yourself and for her. It also may take some pressure off you if you can recognize that you do not have to—nor is it your job to—fix or change anything about what she is feeling. Instead, as best as you can, your job is to be a non-judgmental observer who is bearing witness to her process. This is an advanced skill, and you will have to determine if you have this skill set and the ability to tolerate whatever intense emotions may come up for you as you hold loving space for her.

Challenging emotions can throw us off balance. If you notice that you get dysregulated while trying to hold space for her, there are a few essential skills that you can utilize on the spot to get centered. These include deep breathing and seeing that you are standing or sitting like a mountain.

Related: How to Balance Your Consciousness

A simple way to learn deep breathing is to lay down in a comfortable position, or you can also do this sitting. You can place one hand on your belly and the other on your upper chest. (It doesn’t matter which hand goes where.) Do your best to focus on breathing in through the nose and getting the breath way down into the belly so that you can feel the belly rise and expand with your inhale. The hand on your belly will move, while the hand on your chest will remain more still. After the breath in is full and complete, let out a long and slow exhale through your mouth. You can even purse your lips while you exhale. Again, keep the hand on the upper chest completely still. Focus on not being forceful with the exhale while also completely emptying out the lungs with the breath. Repeat this style of breathing for as many cycles as necessary and notice how this type of breathing supports an overall sense of relaxation. If you’d like, there are plenty of resources online to give you more in-depth instructions on this type of breathing.

The other practice is the seated or standing mountain pose. A simple way to practice these would be to notice how you are sitting or standing, and see if there is a way to add more stability and sense of grounding to your posture. Try this: Stand up in any position and notice how you feel. This is your baseline measure. Next, establish yourself in a comfortable and stable standing posture. To do this, you may adjust the distance between your feet so your feet are either together or hip-width distance apart. Connect to your breathing, close your eyes, and bring your awareness to your feet. Really feel your feet firmly rooted into the ground. Breathe up through your body and notice if you can stay grounded down while also breathing up more length through your spine and allowing your shoulders to relax down your back. Observe some beautiful space open around your heart, let your chin be about parallel to the earth, and feel a gentle sense of life up from the crown of your head. Allow your jaw and tongue to be relaxed.

As you stand here, practice deep breathing and visualize the most powerful mountain you have ever seen. Imagine that you can bring all the strength and stability of that mountain into your own body. Take a few moments here, breathing in and out, and allow these mountain qualities to imprint upon your body and psyche. When you are ready, release the practice and know that you can evoke this breathing and this mountain at any time when you need rootedness and stability to be the loving presence you need for yourself and for your partner. (For a more extensive version of a mountain meditation, you can refer to Jon Kabat-Zinn’s book, Wherever You Go, There You Are.)

Thank you for writing in with this question that has such a wide and likely universal application for all of us. I wish you and your partner healing along this journey.

Many blessings, 

John  

The post Helping a Loved One Navigate the Loss of a Parent appeared first on Sonima.

Can mindfulness techniques or a meditation practice help me achieve my goals in the new year?

Sincerely,
Resolute

Dear Resolute,

This is such a meaningful and timely topic. I am a deep believer that the path of mindfulness can provide you with effective resources to achieve your goals this year. In this article, I will draw from applications of mindfulness in organizational settings to discuss how this technique can help you stay focused on your endgame.

I acknowledge this is a very large topic, and I am limited in how much I can get into in a short article. Therefore, I am going to highlight a few conditions that I believe need to be present for accomplishing goals.

The first is that you need to know what your goals are. Seems simple enough, but many people struggle with this. As you prepare for the new year, I suggest you take time to reexamine your values and where your passions lie. It is helpful to look across all domains of your life, including personal, professional, physical, emotional, intellectual, spiritual, and so on. If you’re not clear about your goals, meditation can help you. A sacred pause and reflection is likely most needed for you in your life right now. As you sit with this question and listen for the answer, it may get things moving forward for you. Spending regular time with this type of inquiry will help deepen the process.

Related: A Meditation on Intentions for a New Year

After you list your priorities, rank them in order so that you know where to specifically direct your focus. As human beings, we are all confronted with limited time and energy. Therefore, we must remember that, ultimately, everything is connected. This concept means that shifts in one area of your life will likely bring shifts in others. Once you have your organized list, identify your starting point. Break down bigger goals into smaller, actionable steps and figure out what is the easiest way to get the momentum going.

The second condition is to train yourself to notice when your focus has waned. One symptom of reduced focus is mind-wandering. When your mind is not focused, goal-directed behavior diminishes. Researchers suggest that mindfulness may be an effective antidote to a wandering mind. For instance, one study published in the journal Emotion demonstrated a relationship between higher levels of dispositional mindfulness and lower levels of mind-wandering. They also found that eight minutes of mindful breathing attenuated mind-wandering. This suggests the importance of establishing a daily practice in order to train focused attention. With more efficient focus, you will likely find yourself moving forward with greater ease and freedom.

A third condition is to ditch multitasking. Research has shown that media multitasking is associated with higher depression and social anxiety symptoms. In my clinical experience, I can say that clients who experience depression and anxiety find it very difficult to accomplish goals. Minimizing behaviors that feed these unhelpful states of consciousness is in service of goal completion. Mindfulness has also been shown to effectively reduce symptoms of anxiety and mood problems among clinical populations.

Related: 3 Ways Meditation Puts You in the Success Mindset

Even though you still may be able to finish disrupted tasks efficiently and at a similar level of quality, researchers have found that we tend to make up for interruptions by working faster. This has numerous consequences, such as increased stress, frustration, time pressure, and effort. Mindfulness, through its emphasis on single-pointed focus, trains the practitioner to stay focused on the task at hand and minimize task switching.

Furthermore, researchers found that those trained in meditation stayed on tasks longer, made fewer task switches, and reported less negative emotion after they completed their task as compared to their counterparts, trained in relaxation. Improved memory for the tasks performed were also found both in those trained in meditation and relaxation. These findings clearly suggest the importance of developing a regular mindfulness practice in order to maximize the opportunities to achieve more with ease and gracefulness.

My perspective is that the more we stay connected to our values, the more we can offer to this world and receive back. I am reminded of the poet Rumi’s words, “Now is the time to unite the soul and the world. Now is the time to see the sunlight dancing as one with the shadows.” Mindfulness is a practice that keeps us connected to ourselves and our community. Mindfulness gives us the mental and emotional clarity to draw from all our inner and outer resources to move forward and accomplish with integrity.

The new year is a beautiful time to clear open the psychological and emotional space needed to create a vision and forge ahead. We, as human beings, are always an unfinished project. We must remember—and stay connected to—our creative power and our natural belongingness. Even when we are confronted by great challenges (and life has no shortages of them), we must remember to dance between sunlight and shadow, becoming one.

I invite you to hold the intention in this new year to accept all that comes, and from that place of stillness and love within your own heart, to meet each moment with dignity, courage, and authenticity. Trust in yourself. Trust that the path of mindfulness will allow your authentic self to bloom and your muscles of courage to flex and move you toward your goals. There are many great resources and meditations on Sonima to get you started with a practice.

I wish you the best in the new year and thank you for writing in.

Many blessings,
John

The post A Mindful Approach to Your New Year’s Resolutions appeared first on Sonima.

It is my job to be connected. All day, I am at my computer or smartphone answering emails, managing social media accounts, and keeping up with current events. I know that this can’t be good for my wellbeing and sense of calm, but I have to do, well, my job. How can I create a healthy balance between my digital self and my real-world self?

Yours,
Always on Call

Dear Always on Call,

Thank you for writing in with a question that I think is on the minds of so many of us. It seems that we have become increasingly connected digitally, but, unfortunately, at the cost of being real-world connected. This predicament applies both to the connection we have with ourselves and others. From my professional experience working with clients and based on a recent survey, I do know that you are not alone in your experience.

A 2017 survey conducted by the American Psychological Association (APA) states that 86 percent of American adults report that they are “constantly or often checking their email, texts, and social media accounts.” The authors of the APA article associated this kind of incessant use to higher levels of stress among these adults. They’ve dubbed this type of technology user the “constant checker.” The constant checkers outscored those who report less technology use by almost a full point on a 10-point stress scale (5.3 vs. 4.4). Those who are constant checkers of work emails on their days off report their stress level at 6.0, where a score of 10 represents “a great deal of stress.”

It is well established that higher stress levels have adverse health consequences. There is growing discussion in psychological literature concerning “Internet Addiction,” “Problematic Internet Use,” and “Internet Gaming Disorder.” These concerns are considered worthy of further study by many mental health professionals. Therefore, you are right to be seeking out a healthy balance!

Here are four strategies, based on existing psychological literature, for addressing the unwholesome use of technology. Interestingly, much of the research focuses on youth and young adults from many geographical regions. In my clinical work, this topic does come up, especially with concerned parents who are struggling to manage their child’s excessive gaming. It also comes up with adults. These ideas stem from the limited scope of research that mostly concentrates on younger folks. Nevertheless, the skills presented here are useful for all.

1. Practice self-awareness and self-monitoring.

These skills include increasing self-awareness and self-monitoring, setting limits and boundaries, examining the utility of tech in specific contexts and its related limitations, and coming up with alternative actions or activities that can help curtail overuse.

Mindfulness and meditation are effective strategies for increasing your self-awareness and self-monitoring. For example, by definition, mindfulness asks one to be present in the moment and non-judgmentally attentive to thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations. By increasing your sense of self-awareness, you will be more attuned to when you feel that it is time to put the devices away. Honor your feelings of fatigue, exhaustion, and separateness from real-world life.

Self-monitoring refers to our sense of how others perceive our behaviors. The topic of self-monitoring may connect to your experience if your use of tech is impairing your ability to attune to social situations. I have experienced no shortage of instances where folks (and, admittedly, myself at times) are glued to their phones while walking down the sidewalk, crossing the street, or holding up the line at the grocery store. Technology has indeed created a sense of separateness in these situations, where what’s happening on the phone seems more interesting than the fantastic blooming of real-world life that is always happening and unfolding around us.

In these instances, we have to try our best to notice when the technology has pulled us away from reality, and force ourselves to come back. This kind of attention wandering is a very similar process as in meditation, where we learn to notice when our mind goes off, and then we come back.

Related: Stay Present in Distracting Situations

2. Set limits and boundaries.

Setting limits and boundaries about usage is a straightforward strategy, but very difficult to implement. Therefore, you have to do your best to determine what is the threshold for healthy and balanced use for you on a given day. Ask yourself what is a reasonable amount of time to allocate to checking your devices throughout the day? Can you establish set increments of time at the beginning, middle, and end of the day, and then not allow specific tech usage outside of those times? Set usage goals and incorporate these kinds of time-management methods into your day.

In the same way, schedule stress management strategies. Determine how you can incorporate stress reduction methods into your day to interrupt your technology usage. You can consider inserting periods of mindfulness meditation into your day, going to a yoga class, or spending time outside as a way to disrupt the tech usage. You may find that regular meditation and yoga practice starts to create a balance for you.

3. Ask yourself what are the pros & cons.

If you are having a hard time making changes, it may be motivating for you to figure out what are the benefits of maintaining your current usage level and what are the costs? Think about what you are likely compromising about your overall health and well-being by ignoring your call for balance. Remember that stress is costly in the long run and now is the only time you have to initiate positive change and transformation.

4. Identify alternative choices.

Examine your workload and determine what, if any of these tasks, may you be able to complete without the use of tech devices. For example, can you use old-fashioned pen and paper to complete specific tasks when you feel that you have logged too much screen time? You can always type up your paper notes later, or perhaps you can use dictation software that can transcribe your voice rather than you having to stare at the screen while you type. See if there is any way that you can break up the screen time with alternative methods for task completion. Do your best to limit usage of tech devices to only necessary tasks and do not forget how beautiful and unique the real-world is.

Thank you again for bringing this question to light. I know many others will benefit from this exploration of such a timely topic. I wish you the best on your journey back to your “real-world self.”

Warmly,
John

The post 4 Ways to Combat the “Always On Call” Epidemic appeared first on Sonima.

In the last couple years, I have been waking up in the middle of the night gripped by some unnamed fear. Things that don’t seem like a big deal in the daytime loom larger than life as a lay awake in bed with my heart pounding. This never used to be a problem, but as life gets increasingly hectic, I’ve lost touch with the feeling that all is fundamentally well. How can I reconnect?

Sincerely,

No Sleep in Brooklyn

Dear No Sleep in Brooklyn,

Thank you for writing in about your experience. I think we all can remember a time where we were caught in this kind of tremendous fear and anxiety that wakes us at night. Our natural knee-jerk reaction to this kind of worry is to want to get rid of it, or turn away from it, and this reaction makes total sense because the fear hurts tremendously.

In this article, I will offer you a mindfulness practice that you can eventually apply to this fear. I say eventually because, as I will advise you below, it will be beneficial for you to start with a less challenging emotion. The teaching I will share with you is a version of the RAIN of self-compassion practice taught by the meditation teacher and psychologist, Tara Brach, PhD. RAIN is acronym that will be fleshed out below. I find it best to clear out space in your day to complete this meditation. Perhaps 15 to 30 minutes will be a good amount of time to dedicate. This will leave you time to get settled into a meditation posture (sitting or lying down, so long as you don’t fall asleep if horizontal) and time to journal about your discoveries afterword.

The first step in this process is coming to a true recognition that there is this enormous fear that is coming up and it feels so big that even the body is reacting to it. The heart is pounding. This recognition is taking the first step in shifting your relationship with the fear. There is a catchphrase coined by the author and psychiatrist, Daniel Siegel, MD, that applies here: “Name
it to tame it.” You said that the fear is “unnamed,” so part of the process of recognition will be to put a word or perhaps a few words to the fear. The subsequent steps of RAIN may help with that.

Another description of meditation that I once read somewhere, some years back, was that the process of meditation involves a getting familiar with what is. Therefore, by recognizing and eventually giving a more descriptive name to your fear is to approach it, accept that it is a part of your present-moment experience, and eventually to dispel or dissipate its power. This is a very different way of being than desiring to suppress it or resist it. It may sound counter intuitive, but the path of mindfulness encourages us to move toward what is frightening. The intention is to eventually come to a place where the fear can be, as Brach teaches, attended to and befriended.

Our next move is to open a compassionate and loving inquiry into this fear. This is where you will gain more familiarity with it. However, because this fear feels big, I would advise you to first practice on an emotion that feels less overwhelming. When working with the energy of self-compassion, mindfulness teachers (such as Brach and Sharon Salzberg) suggest it is often best to start with what is the easiest, and then move toward more challenging emotions.

Furthermore, it sounds like you have a sense that this experience of the unnamed fear seems to amplify when life gets increasingly hectic. Therefore, by working on smaller emotions or thoughts, you may start to chip away at this larger fear. When you have identified an easy emotion, thought, or situation, you can apply the full RAIN of self-compassion to it. Once you feel you have achieved mastery over the lesser emotions, then move onto the next steps of RAIN to the most challenging level of your fear.

The third step is to move closer inward to inquire into this fear. The goal is to do your best to uncover as many dimensions of this fear as you can. This is a process of insight. There are many ways in which you can work this inquiry. What comes to mind for me would be to start with describing how the fear feels—its texture, where it lives in the body, as you sit with it, what else comes up. Pay attention to related thoughts, images, emotions, physical sensations, and what is evoked on a more intuitive level.

The best time to practice working with the fear may not be in the middle of the night. It may be advantageous to try to evoke the fear when you are feeling emotionally balanced and rested, during the day. As you get more skilled with practice, you may be able to work the RAIN steps at night more quickly and come to a peaceful resolution of the fear for that night. Please also be patient with yourself, as this will likely be a practice that you have to come back to more than once. It is a process and practice, not a one-time deal.

Sit with the fear an amount of time that feels wholesome and healthy for you. If the practice becomes too difficult, then step out of it and practice some other form of relaxation that works well for you. I recommend identifying go to coping strategies before stepping in to work on the big fears. These may be abdominal breathing, having a sacred space in your mind that you can visualize for calming, or having some other soothing objects or activities that you can engage in to help you self-regulate if your emotional state is challenged. This brings me to the last step in the RAIN: self-nourishment.

You can practice self-nourishment while holding the fear in your heart and offering to yourself comforting words or actions. Come up with a list of self-soothing statements that you can say to yourself. A few traditional phrases that I have learned over the years from various teachers of Lovingkindness meditation are:

May I be safe.
May I be healthy.
May I be healed.
May I be happy.
May I be at peace.
May I be free from worry.
May I be free from fear.
May I be free from suffering.

The idea is for you to use these words or change them to phrases that have more meaning and resonance for you. I find it particularly powerful to put my hands over my heart while I repeat these phrases to myself in times of challenge. I find it helpful to repeat the full cycle of these phrases for at least three or more repetitions.

What is also important is that if you find that it is too difficult to work through these phrases on your own, you can call in a council of friends and helpers to support you. You can do this by visualizing powerful people, such as trusted family members or friends, animals, or power places, real or imagined, that help you feel strong, balanced and centered. While holding these images in your mind, feel the beauty and power they offer you and stand firm in that as you offer these words to yourself. Give yourself enough time to complete all the above steps and come back to them as often as needed to work toward a full befriending and embracing of your fears.

Related: Transform Your Fears into Meaningful Growth

You cannot skip to this integration stage, it takes effort, dedication, and an immensely open heart and courage to get there. I believe in you and that you can do it! Please also consider working with a qualified teacher or licensed therapist to give you additional support along the way. This will be especially crucial if you feel like this practice dysregulates you further. It may be that you need the expertise of an in-person guide. I can only offer you education and suggestions here, not a formal assessment or finely attuned approach.

One more thing: I believe that you are very right in realizing that you (and so many of us) must make a return to remembering our own basic goodness in life. This remembrance of our innate beauty, worthiness, and self-love is always a practice. It does not feel that it is a developmental task that we can check off our list of life accomplishments. In our busy, modern lives, we are all constantly operating under time pressure, deadlines, and the challenges of balancing work and life. It is so easy to forget that we are here together on this earth to be joyous beings of love. We are here to be caretakers of each other and of this beautiful earth. So, I invite you, and all of us, to put down in writing on our daily agenda and calendar some dedicated time to simply love and appreciate this amazing, confusing, and most precious life.

Thank you so much for writing in. I am sending you my best heartfelt wishes as you work to bring this practice into your life.

Many blessings,

John

The post Intense Anxiety Won’t Let Me Sleep appeared first on Sonima.

I am an alcoholic and recently got sober this month. All my old friends are drinking buddies, so I feel like I no longer enjoy their company like I used to. I don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings, but I think I need new friends. How do I go about changing my social circle?

Sincerely,
Sober and Social

Dear Sober and Social,

Thank you for sharing this amazing transformation with me. It is challenging to let go of friends and start over. You are not alone in this kind of a search, so your query will resonate and, hopefully, benefit many who are in the same boat.

Before I delve into my response, I would also like to encourage you—if you have not already—to connect with a licensed substance abuse treatment expert. Embarking on significant personal development work can be stressful and bring up a lot of emotions, which could contribute to relapse. I strongly urge you to consider this recommendation. Whenever I teach mindfulness courses that involve intense meditation practice, I ask that participants have at least one year of steady recovery before taking the course due to the potential relapse risk.

Next, I’d like to discuss how critical positive friendships are for our well-being. In fact, researchers suggest that the nature of our relationships matter a great deal for our physical health. For example, positive relationships can stave off the adverse effects of stress. Researchers have also noted a link between one’s social ties and their healthy habits. If you hang out with friends who enjoy healthy food and do not drink, for instance, then you are likely to also engage in those good-for-you behaviors.

The opposite may also, generally, be true. Friendships with risky individuals may contribute to our own risky behaviors. In adulthood, a diminishing social network or adversity in close relationships may have links to health risks, such as hypertension. When considering just these samples of scientific evidence, we can conclude that you are very right in thinking it is time to switch up your friend group.

Related: How to Know When You Need to End a Friendship

There are many possible ways to go about forging new friendships. I can only discuss a few possibilities within the scope of this article. Therefore, I will draw from my background in contemplative practices to offer you a brief and straightforward exercise to engage in as an initial step forward.

The first step in evaluating current and future friendships involves getting clear about your personal values. Values refer to a quality or characteristics, or activity/behavior, that has significant meaning for you in your life. By defining your personal values, you can then seek out values-based friendships. I recommend giving the activity below a try, and if you find it difficult or want to deepen your work, you can consider working with a local licensed therapist who is qualified in both substance abuse treatment and recovery, and contemporary psychotherapy approaches, such as Dialectical Behavior Therapy or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. I recommend these modern approaches because they emphasize values clarification and interpersonal effectiveness training.

I suggest completing this activity in a quiet, comfortable space, where you will be free from distractions. You can either sit comfortably in a chair, lay down on the floor, or stand up to do this practice, really any posture is beautiful, if you are comfortable. See if you can let your breath be easy and natural. Notice whatever mental or emotional objects may be flowing through your awareness and see if you can get those to settle down as well. It’s OK if they do not.

When you feel settled enough, you may consider placing your hands onto your heart, and asking yourself, “What matters most to me right now?” You can get even more specific and ask: “What matters most to me in friendship right now?” Typically, the answers will come to you in words or images, emotions, physical sensations, and memories. This is all data for you to analyze and to put into values that matter for you. Examples of values might be honesty, kindness, compassion, loving, generous, loyal, fair, generous, and empathic. I suggest writing down a list of all these different values, and then place them in a ranked order to clarify further what is essential for you.

Once you feel you have completed your list and the ranking of the values, the next step will be to do research on how you can meet others who share in some or all these values. You can research online, on social media, web forums, or go to places that you enjoy in your community and see who is there or if there are bulletin boards or event calendars. I think the key is you must be willing to put yourself out there in the world and be prepared to explore different possibilities and to practice repetition with it. Forging new friendships is a process, not a single event, so stay committed to the process and your values in the process.

As human beings, we all need love and support from others. We are beings who give and receive love. My wish for all people is to discover in their own heart how universal this need to give and receive love is and to see how love is one of the many ways in which we are all here together on this planet.

I would like to close with a few lines from the mystical poet Rumi. He speaks of what we might think is romantic love, but I think he means to love beyond any definitions.

The post How to Make New Friends in Sobriety appeared first on Sonima.

When I try to meditate, I feel like I’m doing something wrong. I start with long inhalations and exhalations, but throughout the meditation, my breathing gets shallow and I almost feel like I can’t catch my breath. I know I need to relinquish control, but I don’t think I should feel like this, right?

Sincerely,
Gasping for Breath

Dear Gasping for Breath,

Thank you for writing in! I think many of our readers have questions about the breath in meditation practice. I will offer a few simple insights that I believe can be of service to you on your journey.

Let’s start of by reflecting on the kind of mindset that you bring to the practice. Part of what humans naturally do in meditation is to install their usual mental operating system of filtering an experience through the lens of right and wrong. How I approach meditation practice is never close to all the way right or all the way wrong. It’s more of an evolving process where we have these amazing moments when we feel aligned, and non-amazing moments when nothing feels aligned. This is why we practice, isn’t it?

I’m not saying, “Well, anything goes!” While it is very important to follow the instructions of a qualified teacher, the various techniques that come from lineages, and the good teachings about “how” to meditate, I think we must also be gentle with ourselves in how we apply them. It is a good idea to give our best effort and practice with a healthy intention. But from there, we also must take a leap and trust in the practice to be the exact teaching that we need for that particular day. This is an advanced concept and practice in itself! To be OK with how the meditation is already.

This is why I encourage myself and my students to come to the practice daily. The daily practice provides opportunities to strengthen and grow every day. Trusting is also a courageous act to step away from the judging mind and holding onto expectations about where we want the practice to go. With that said, of course, there is always room for learning and refinement.

When it comes to breathing in the kind of meditation that I practice and teach (mindfulness), the general instruction is to let the breathing be natural and through the nose, if possible. If, on a given day, it feels better to breathe through the mouth, perhaps due to nasal congestion, then that is fine for that instance.

In terms of troubleshooting your breathing, without working with you in person, I can only offer a few general suggestions. The first would be to initiate your meditation with just a few long and slow deep breaths in through the nose, and, in this case, out through the mouth. Following this “opening” style of breathing, you would then let your breath return to a more natural cadence. The purpose of utilizing the opening breathing is to get yourself connected to your body and have a few deep feeling breaths to consciously and physically recognize that you are preparing yourself to enter a more focused and sacred space. Do your best to stay with the natural breathing and the remembrance that in the practice all is sacred.

Based on your question, I wonder if you are trying to stay with those longer inhales and exhales for too many repetitions? If so, perhaps it’s simply too much or unnatural for your body. The body already knows how to breathe, so let it do its job. By letting go of the breath, you may then be freeing up more mental, physical, and emotional resources to be more present and embodied in your meditation.

Related: The Perfect Way to Breath in Ashtanga Yoga

Another essential key in your practice will be to stay attentive to how the breath is moving and how that may be connected to your physical energy levels. In my own practice, I have noticed that when my breathing gets shallow, it is because I am fatigued and moving toward drowsiness and sleepiness. Everyone is unique, so this may or may not be connected to what is happening for you, but it is something for you to check out experientially.

When you notice that your breathing is not feeling good for you, check in on your energy, revitalize your intention, and then reset yourself and your breathing. There is nothing that says you cannot re-initiate through opening breathing and then resettle into the practice. Or perhaps your shift back can be more subtle, such as a simple mental acknowledgement that the natural breathing has stalled, and then come back to it.

My last suggestion would be to do your best to release any expectations or goals that you have for your meditation session. Do your best to let the breath be comfortable and natural, notice when it stalls, and don’t get caught up in judging yourself or the experience. And finally, always come back to a smooth natural cadence of the breath and continue the practice.

As I mentioned at the start of this article, I think most of us are programmed to bring our mindset of achieving, perfecting, and expecting into the practice, but those can mostly end up hindering our growth. I will close with a teaching by Jon Kabat-Zinn, a mindfulness pioneer in the West, whom I come back to often on my path. He writes in Full Catastrophe Living: “The best way to achieve your goals is to back off from striving for results and instead to start focusing carefully on seeing and accepting things as they are, moment-by-moment. With patience and regular practice, movement toward your goals will take place by itself. This movement becomes an unfolding that you are inviting to happen within you.”

I hope these few insights will help you in working with your breath in a wholesome and more liberating way and serve as a source of encouragement for you on the path.

Many blessings,
John

The post Am I Breathing Wrong When I Meditate? appeared first on Sonima.

I’m an athlete. I’m wondering if there are any ways in which mindfulness can help me get to the next level in my sport?

Sincerely,
Play to Win

Dear Play to Win,

Thank you for writing in with this question. George Mumford, a renowned mindfulness teacher to elite athletes and executives, identifies in his book The Mindful Athlete, five spiritual superpowers as being keys to elevating performance. These superpowers, based on the Buddha’s teachings, are mindfulness, concentration, insight, right effort, and trust. Here, I’ll delve into each one in hopes of helping you spark athletic gains.

1. Mindfulness

Mindfulness involves a deliberate present-moment awareness that is intentionally focused and held non-judgmentally. In the context of athletic performance, mindfulness training provides the athlete with specific meditation-based practices to increase their ability to enter into what has been called “the zone.” The zone experience is considered to be “the ultimate experience of optimal performance in sports.” Zone experiences require the athlete to be able to sustain a present-moment focus and not get caught up in distractions, whether internal or external.

While many athletes are incredibly strong and skilled, it is the ability to utilize mental training to recruit strength and skill when most needed, especially, in the heat of high pressure moments, which is what sets exceptional athletes apart from their peers. If you are a basketball fan, for example, think back to moments from this year’s playoffs when we saw brilliant performances from elite players, like Steph Curry and Chris Paul (before his injury) from the Warriors and Rockets, respectively. We also witnessed a standout example of the opposite of a present-minded athlete in Cavalier’s J.R. Smith, who was seemingly confused about the situation, strategy, and score at the end of Game 1 in the Finals at Golden State. This mental lapse proved costly to the Cavs as they went on to lose the game and, eventually, the series.

Athletes who have experienced positive flow states describe them in a fascinating way. Mumford writes that the athletes he has coached report experiencing a slowing down of time, superior performance without associated pain, present moment absorption, special “premonitions” about how plays will develop, and a shifting toward a process orientation rather than an outcome focus. They also experience interconnectedness with essential aspects of their performance (e.g. teammates, opposition players, equipment), mental and physical transcendence, expanded consciousness and increased performance.

In order to move into this special state of consciousness, athletes have to be able to stay fully absorbed in the moment and clear from any distractions. This type of awareness is qualitatively and experientially similar to what is often described by meditators.

2. Concentration

There are numerous yoga practices that directly impact the body’s nervous system, which, in turn, can facilitate heightened concentration. Perhaps the most foundational practice is awareness of breath. (Related: Yoga master Sharath Jois explains the importance of controlling the breath.) Breathing is obviously central to sustaining life. However, for the athlete learning how to work with the breath can enhance their game.

Beyond the practice of concentration on or awareness of the breath is the controlling or manipulating the breath to promote a state of relaxation. The physiological mechanism through which relaxation is created is the parasympathetic nervous system. An oversimplified way of thinking about parasympathetic functioning in this context is that deep breathing promotes relaxation, and in a relaxed state, the present moment is more available. When we are relaxed, the mind is more calm, the body is less tense, we are more attuned to our sensory experience and able to think and see more clearly.

In the context of athletic performance, the now-moment is crucial to success. For example, in high pressure situations, there is not any bandwidth for the mind to wander back to a missed free throw, or an errant pass, or the anticipation of the next quarter. In many different sports, the play happens so quickly that any lapse in awareness can prove costly. Therefore, concentration on the breath is a fruitful avenue to begin to train present-moment awareness and open the athlete up to entering and sustaining flow states.

You can see for yourself how it feels to connect to your breath. Right now, I invite you to sit still and assume a dignified posture by rooting into your chair or the floor. Do your best to lengthen up through your spine and let your shoulders relax as well as release tension in all other areas. It is helpful to place one hand on your belly and the other on your heart. As you are sitting there, take a nice long deep breath in and feel the expanding space of the belly and chest rising to meet your hands. At the top of the in-breath, notice a pause before the exhale and let the exhale move slowly out, about twice as long as the inhale. Feel your hands relaxing back down and in.

Repeat this for several cycles and notice what changes you may feel. Do you feel at ease and able to be present with your sensory channels more open? If so, you can now understand more about why working with breath is beneficial for performance. If you were not able to have this kind of experience with this practice, please know that it takes time to connect into the breathing in a relaxing way. Keep at it.

Related: A Simple Guided Breathing Meditation

3. Insight

There are several areas in which the athlete can pay particular attention to self-knowledge. These areas center around the patterning of the mind and beliefs. Mumford suggests engaging in daily inquiry to examine the areas in one’s life that create discomfort, where one’s patterns are hindering one’s progress, or how one may get caught in desires or cravings. We all have particular emotions or thought patterns that have become ingrained and, therefore, we must actively look into them in order to unearth and transform them.

You may briefly inquire with yourself about your relationship to daily stressors and how it can take a positive turn. Mumford encourages extending this self-reflection beyond the mental to learn how to develop ongoing conversations with the body. It is crucial for athletes to learn to listen to their bodies as a way of preventing injury, enhancing training and conditioning, and reducing performance fatigue.

Combining meditation with journaling is a powerful practice to shine a spotlight on these kinds of cognitive and emotional patterns and hindrances that may be limiting one’s performance and stifling growth. Consider setting an intention in your meditation practice to receive insight on how to transform these patterns and record your observations in a journal.

4. Right Effort

Mumford offers four points of focus: The first is to remain alert to “unwholesome qualities” that may arise. This can come in the form of negative thoughts or laziness. The second is to notice when unwholesome qualities come up, and abandon them rather than get caught in reacting to them. For example, notice when a negative, unhelpful thought arises and aim to acknowledge it as such, and then let it go without giving it anymore power. This takes practice and training.

The third is to foster new qualities that are wholesome and the forth is to sustain those qualities that already exist. An example of how to cultivate more wholesome thoughts would be to write down any negative thoughts that may come up concerning your performance, and then do your best to rewrite them as more wholesome positive ones. Essentially, the path to create positive qualities is to remain committed to the daily practice of mindfulness, which may appear in the forms of meditation and/or yoga. I always recommend working with a qualified professional when there is a lot of negative thoughts or emotions that may make positive growth more challenging.

For the athlete, the practice is to recognize that your entire life can be a training ground for presence and as you learn to strengthen the muscle of focus that is a skill that you can bring into the game at crucial moments.

5. Trust

This is a practice of learning to cultivate trust in oneself and in the path of mindfulness. The athlete must come to cultivate confidence in their capacity to develop the physical, mental, and emotional strength and resources needed to perform. It is trust in one’s own ability to meet the unfolding moments of the game and, more importantly, it is to meet life with gracefulness, love, presence, openness and skill. This takes a commitment to ongoing, daily practice and dedication to staying present, no matter the intensity or challenges that the game or life has to offer. Mindfulness is about embracing and engaging with the moments of our lives.

If you are new to mindfulness and not sure where to start, there are many excellent resources on Sonima, like this article, to learn more about how to further your knowledge. It is recommended that the practice of mindfulness and yoga be initiated under the guidance of a qualified instructor to ensure physical and emotional safety and to have ongoing coaching and support as one undertakes what can be a power and transformative journey. I wish you luck!

Many blessings,
John

The post 5 Ways Mindfulness Can Make You a Better Athlete appeared first on Sonima.