If a loved one asks something of me, I’m immediately there to help them. Yet I feel that if I asked them for a favor or expressed my true needs, I’d be burdening them. I tell myself I’m fine going with the flow, but then I sometimes feel angst for not asking what I want. What can I do to become more comfortable speaking up about my needs—and not feel like a burden when I do?

Thank you,
A Friend in Need

Dear A Friend in Need,

Thank you for writing in. It sounds like you are a very caring and compassionate person who is there for your loved ones. You are also aware that it is easier for you to give than to receive. Or perhaps it’s more accurate to say that it is difficult for you to ask, and therefore you do not have the opportunity to receive. In either case, I think many readers can relate to your angst.

I can tell you it is no burden for me to contemplate your situation. I also want to reflect to you that writing in about this challenge is a successful step toward moving through your fear. I encourage you to take pause and notice how you feel hearing this feedback. You are not a burden for asking me your question. In fact, reflecting on your question is a growth opportunity for me to think about how I give to others and receive in return.

There are a few areas for you to explore. But first note that usually one’s current belief structure has roots in one’s past. Uncovering that is beyond what I can offer you in a brief article. However, if that idea sparks your curiosity, I recommend working with a psychotherapist to delve into it.

Now, the first area to explore is recognizing that your avoidance of asking for support is essentially robbing you of opportunities to receive the support you need and to overcome feeling like a burden.

In naming the avoidance, the next step is to connect to your courageous self so you can set up opportunities to practice asking others for help and support. Essentially what we are doing here is skill-building, and all skill-building takes practice and more practice until it becomes habit.

Identify safe and kind others in your life of whom you feel comfortable asking. Once you have, it’s best to scale your requests and those whom you ask. This means to start with very small and safe requests from the kindest of people in your life. This will set you up for success that will build your confidence. With each success, you want to raise the stakes by moving up your fear hierarchy to a slightly less familiar person. The result is that you will feel comfortable making requests of whomever you would like.

It will be valuable to track your successes along this path and to use them as counter-evidence to your belief that you are a burden to others. Take time to reflect on the fact that others are responding to your requests positively. Come up with related positive self-statements affirming this new reality that others do care about you and are working to support you. This could be as simple as, “Others care about me and support me.” Then rate the believability of this new statement on a scale from 0 to 10. At first your rating may be lower, but over time, with more success, your rating will likely increase.

Of course, as part of this process you must also be OK when someone says no. The key when we are met with a “no” is not to take it personally. Everyone has a right to say no to our requests, just like we have a right to say no to theirs. Being in relationships is a balance of give and take, so we must be willing to compromise and negotiate in situations where there is not a “yes.” This goes back to the word “practice,” which involves repetition in the service of proficiency and mastery of a skill. Even “no” situations are growth opportunities. They present us with a window into how we work with frustration and how we can channel that energy into further psychological development.

By working with and through your fear, you are strengthening the psychological “muscles” of self-esteem, self-worth, confidence, mindfulness, and interpersonal effectiveness. Each of these domains is important and interconnected to build healthy and meaningful relationships. Furthermore, in learning how to ask for what you need from others, you will unburden yourself and them from the resulting frustration and disappointment that comes with being unfulfilled.

Related: Are You Over-Communicating in Your Relationship?

I hope you find these suggestions helpful. In implementing them, it will be important to practice patience, compassion, and kindness toward yourself and others. If you would like to delve deeper, I would recommend working with a cognitive behavioral therapist who can support you as you navigate this process.

I wish you the best and thank you for writing in!

Warmly,
John

The post Finding the Courage to Ask Others for Help appeared first on Sonima.

My best friend is competitive with me. Whenever anything good happens to me, she becomes aggressive and defensive. I love her and value our friendship beyond measure, so I let these uncomfortable moments pass without comment. But sometimes her nastiness simply hurts my feelings. How do I gently set boundaries without losing her friendship?

Sincerely,
Boundless

Dear Boundless,

Thank you for writing in. Having challenges in friendships is a concern that so many have, and finding a healthy way to address them is a path toward more fulfilling relationships.

I agree with you that your friendship would benefit from healthier boundaries and increased communication. It is a positive and a strength that you feel there is a foundation of love from which these new qualities can grow. Your love shines through in your desire to be gentle in how you approach implementing a new way of interacting in your friendship.

We must also recognize that no matter how hard we try to be delicate, ultimately, we cannot control how others choose to respond to us. There is a risk that your friend may be hurt. Therefore, I recommend that you focus on clarifying for yourself what an authentic approach and language would be in this situation.

Determine What Matters Most to You

One way to connect to authentic language is through quieting down in meditation. The intention of the meditation I will guide you through below is to clarify your values and wants for this specific friendship. I suggest you read through the steps before engaging in the meditation to develop an understanding of the approach, and then come back to the beginning to initiate the practice.

1. Find a safe and comfortable space to practice where you will not be interrupted.

2. Sit comfortably and lie down.

3. Connect to your breath. Focus on belly breathing, concentrating on cultivating long, steady, slow, and deep breaths. You can check on your breathing by putting one hand on your low belly and the other on your heart. Breathe down into the belly hand and feel it rising more than the heart hand. Once you have established that depth, then proceed.

4. Place both of your hands onto your heart and imagine you can breathe into your heart.

5. When you feel settled, ask yourself these question or similar ones that resonate with you more completely: What do I want and need most in this friendship? What matters most to me? How can I best communicate this to my friend?

6. Listen for the answers. They may come in the form of flashes of images in your mind or felt sensations in the body; you may mentally hear or see a word or words; or you may receive your answer through some other channel of awareness.

7. Allow yourself to stay open to receiving all these teachings from within your heart or your inner guide until you feel complete. That may be a short period of time, or it may be longer.

8. End your meditation session with a feeling of gratitude, and use an exhale to release the practice. Spend a few moments journaling about your experience so you do not forget your insights.

Related: Don’t Let Others Push Your Buttons

Turn Your Meditation into a Conversation

The next step will be to convert your journaling toward language that you can gently and assertively communicate to your friend. Here are a few guidelines to assist you in creating your statements.

1. Review your “script” and ensure that your language is precise and descriptive. For instance, rather than saying something like, “I notice you get aggressive toward me when I have a success,” instead try saying something like, “I notice that when I told you about X accomplishment, you did not congratulate me, and you starting talk about Y.”

2. Check to see that you are clearly expressing your emotions and what behaviors of hers those emotions are tied to. It will be more effective to convert her “defensiveness” into specific observable behaviors that are clearly defined. This might include how she may deny or counterattack you when you confront her on her “nastiness”.

3. Use as few words as possible to avoid muddying the waters with unnecessary apologetics or filler words.

4. Take additional quiet time, as in the meditation practice, to visualize the interaction with your friend. Focus on a mental image of your friend and try to hold the image in a space of compassion. Then imagine communicating your script to your friend. As you are doing this, again notice what feedback you get through the different channels of awareness (images, words, physical sensations, etc.).

Spend as much time here as needed, and then when you are done, again journal any revisions you feel are needed. You can repeat this process as often as you like until you feel complete in the process.

Be Confident During Your Talk

When the time comes for the actual conversation, do your best to monitor your body language, tone, and physical posturing. It will be important for the non-verbal and verbal to be congruent. Poise yourself with confidence, firmness, and determination. Also, do not get sidetracked if your friend attempts to distract away from the conversation.

Lastly, if you continue your friendship, work on acknowledging the moments when your friend is kind, congratulatory, and complementary. The more the positive is acknowledged, the more weight it will carry, and eventually it will replace the negative style of interaction.

Thank you for writing in. I am confident that you will find the way toward working with your friend to build a more satisfying friendship. I wish you the best on your journey.

Many blessings,
John

The post How to Set Boundaries with Friends appeared first on Sonima.

Does every single person who gets divorced need therapy or can I realistically heal from this on my own?

From,
Resilient Stock

Dear Resilient Stock,

Thank you for writing in with this tremendously valuable question as I know many go through the experience of divorce and can come out of it feeling hurt, lonely, afraid, and unsure if they did something wrong or if they will find love again. Here, I will share some literature with you, so you can gain a deeper understanding of your experience and how you can, perhaps, discern for yourself if psychotherapy may be a good step forward for you.

Divorce is so complicated. Psychologically speaking, there are nearly always unique factors that make every individual’s circumstance a bit different from what is in the data. This is my little disclaimer that I don’t know your particular situation, so in terms of my thoughts below, take what most resonates as true for you and leave the rest. I invite you to connect to yourself in a compassionate and loving way, and let your heart tell you what is the next, or perhaps the first, step in your healing process.

In the sciences, there are typically multiple ways of interpreting what data seems to suggest. In the study of divorce, the psychological outcomes may be a byproduct of the divorce process. Another perspective suggests perhaps there were preexisting psychological factors that a partner brought with him/her into the marriage that may have contributed to the breakup. It could also be that both of these aspects are at play to some extent.

Professor of sociology at Penn State University, Paul R. Amato, PhD, has found that divorced Americans and Europeans tend to report less happiness, increased depression symptoms, higher social isolation, more negative life events, and health problems when compared to married individuals. The reasons for this might be because divorce never happens overnight. It tends to be a long-drawn process that takes months, sometimes years, to resolve, which, in turns, allows both parties to accumulate stress over time. This stress can take the form of increased financial pressure, child custody issues, ongoing conflicts with the ex, challenges of co-parenting, and the loss of one’s home as well as one’s social network due to married friends tending to “hang out” together. There are likely other effects, too. I believe if someone is experiencing any one or more of these, therapy can help.

With divorce, one also loses out on the various helpful dimensions of marriage, including “emotional support, companionship, a regular sexual partner, and economic security,” Amato writes in one of his reports. Additionally, one’s partner, at least in wholesome relationships, may be a healthy influence by coaching and caring for their partner, encouraging them to discontinue compromising behaviors, like excessive drinking and smoking. Therefore, the above seems to suggest something to the effect of humans needing or benefitting from a consistent, loyal, and fulfilling, romantic partnership. Further, this partnership may serve to satisfy one’s need for intimacy and protect the individual from unhealthful behaviors. In short, there seems to be a reliable “survival advantage” for the married over the not married, suggests social scientist Michael S. Rendall, PhD, from the University of Maryland.

Related: I Am Recently Divorced and Can’t Trust People

The other side of this is that the human being is resilient. There is evidence to suggest that it is possible to eventually get over and recover from the stress of divorce. Research supports that there are helpful factors promoting recovery that include having access to resources, such as sufficient income, more advanced education, social supports, and the love of someone new.

Psychological factors seem to matter as well. For instance, those who view the divorce as an opportunity to learn and grow are likely to fair better than those who do not share this outlook. Researchers have noted, however, that the optimistic view is more likely to be espoused by the initiator of the divorce. Based on the study of the literature, Amato notes that it is those who have access to resources and the psychological ability to interpret or reframe their divorce experience toward growth opportunities that tend to make quicker adjustments.

Therefore, those who do not have these resources or characteristics may have a greater need to seek a counselor or therapist who can teach them the psychological skills to recover, provide them with social support, and assist them in gaining access to whatever other resources may benefit them. For example, a newly divorced person may benefit from enrolling in continuing education courses to boost their social connections and gain new job skills that can help them advance in or initiate a new career to generate greater financial health.

As mentioned earlier, it could be that individuals may bring certain negative psychological and interpersonal characteristics with them into a marriage that may destabilize the relationship. These psychological vulnerabilities could also become exacerbated as the relationships erodes and ends in divorce. In this case, a critical look back at one’s past to determine if there is a history of rocky or challenging relationships may suggest that therapy can be useful to learn new ways of being in relationship. I say this, of course, without judgement and with a view that we all have had challenges and can engage in a lifetime of growth in our intimate relationships. It takes some openness, courage, and determination to choose to change.

Having read this article, I invite you to reflect how any of the material discussed may relate to your unique situation. Ultimately, you have to make the discernment as to whether or not you will take the step to seek the guidance of a therapist. You may also benefit from doing a bit more research on your own, locating local resources for those experiencing divorce, and seeking support from those you love and trust and who you feel genuinely care about you. In general, if you feel that you are having a difficult time bouncing back from this in any area of your life (i.e., work, social relationships, etc.) that is a good indicator that therapy may be good idea.

I would also like to point out that psychotherapy does not always have to be for those times when we feel like “something is wrong with me” or those moments when we are unhappy. Psychotherapy is useful to promote self-development and spiritual growth as well as when we simply want to get more out of life and love. It was Socrates who said, “The unexamined life is not worth living.” Psychotherapy is the place for self-examination, and it is, therefore, a place where you can go to heal whatever hurt you may be enduring and create the most meaningful life you can for yourself.

Thank you for writing in and I truly wish you the best on your journey!

Warmly,
John

The post Does Divorce Always Lead to Therapy? appeared first on Sonima.

“A health coach works with someone who wants to make a change in their well-being and helps them reach their goals,” says Linda Smith, director of educational programs at Duke Integrative Medicine. That sounds broad and vague, but research  (like this April study published in The American Journal of Managed Care , and this May study published in Clinical Pediatrics ) has found that health coaches can help patients with a variety of issues, including sticking to their new nutrition, exercise, and weight-loss plans, and also managing chronic conditions.

With doctors spending less time with patients (about 9 to 16 minutes per appointment, says a 2015 survey)  and Google becoming a go-to source for medical information , it’s not surprising that health coaches are on the rise. It’s ranked number 13 in a list of 20 in the annual “Worldwide Survey of Fitness Trends” (more than 2,800 health and fitness professionals around the globe weighed in) published in ACSM’S Health & Fitness Journal  last December.

Just because something works for a lot of people doesn’t mean it’s right for you. Smith says some people may benefit from health coaches more than others. “They can help people who have tried and failed and tried and failed, those who don’t know where to get started, or anyone who’s so busy, they don’t know how to fit their goal in,” she explains. If you’re thinking, “That’s me!” it’s important to know what health coaches can’t do for you, too. They cannot prescribe medication or put you on a diet. They primarily help with lifestyle changes. That means for any medical conditions (diabetes, cancer, etc.), you still need to see a doctor. If your primary care says that it would help to get something like stress or your weight under control, then you may want to see a health coach to aid your work on those things.

Related: The #1 Reason We Fail to Meet Our Goals 

 “Seventy percent or more of chronic disease is based in our lifestyle, and nutrition, fitness, and stress management are probably the top three factors,” Smith says. “We know we are not going to cure heart disease, diabetes, obesity, and other diseases with education alone. Health coaches are the piece of this puzzle that’s about engagement and planning for success so that people can make a change.”

Another difference between doctors and health coaches is how much time they spend with you. “With a doctor, it’s 15 minutes in and out, and you address one specific problem,” says Jennifer Cassetta , a certified health coach from the Institute for Integrative Nutrition (IIN). “A health coach will dig more into your life. They may say, ‘I’ve noticed you spend 80 hours a week working, sleep five hours a night, have your phone by the bed, feed yourself for comfort, and aren’t happy because you’re not in a relationship.’ Then they try to connect the dots and identify the underlying causes and problems.”

In addition to diving deep into your lifestyle, during your initial consultation (which generally lasts about an hour), a health coach will ask questions to see if now is the right time for you to work on your goals. A few sample questions: “What barriers are in the way? How confident are you in making a change right now? What’s important to you in health and well being?” Most will give you the option of meeting in person or via phone or Skype, which have been shown to be just as effective . You’ll typically meet every two weeks for anywhere from 20 minutes to an hour. “Two weeks is long enough for someone to put in place what we agreed to and gain experience and learn. Then we can build on that,” Smith says.

Most health coaches will ask you to commit to working together for three to six months total. “That’s enough time for a client to make some changes and work toward a goal that’s significant to them. Then we can see: Is this something they want to continue? Or did they just need help getting started?” Smith says. Based on that answer, some people work with a coach for years, making one change after the next. “It’s a support system that’s strengthening for them,” Smith says. Others say “thank you” and move on now that their new healthy habit is an established part of their life.

 Related: I’m Unhappy But Afraid to Make a Change

If you decide to seek out a health coach, you want to be sure to pick the best one for your needs—as you would with any health professional. First, know that there’s currently no national certifying program for health coaches. Although the National Consortium for Credentialing Health and Wellness Coaches and the National Board of Medical Examiners recently signed an agreement to launch a national certification , this may not be in effect until the fall of 2017. What that means is that anyone can call themself a health coach right now, unfortunately, which is probably why some people may be dubious of the job and its effectiveness.

Before you meet a health coach for a consultation, consider asking them the following questions to gauge their skill-level and overall experience in this relatively new field:

*Where did you get your training? (A list of reputable organizations can be found here.)

*How long was that training?

*For how long have you been coaching?

*Do you have any references I could speak to?

*Describe your coaching philosophy. 

Also, review their website and see if they have any other credentials, such as certifications in personal training or nutrition (i.e., registered dietitian). And be mindful if a health coach seems to be pressuring you to go on a specific diet or make any other lifestyle changes that don’t seem right for you.

“Some people call themselves health coaches, but maybe they have a certain dietary preference that they think is most healing—yet they don’t have any education to dispense that information,” Smith says. “A coach should always understand what’s going on for their client and make the best recommendations on their behalf.” That means you should feel respected and heard. “Ask yourself, ‘Am I being listened to? Am I setting goals that are important to me?’” Smith says. “I want my clients to say ‘I did it’ so they are learning how to be their own best coach as they are being coached. I don’t want them look back and think, ‘I’m lost without you.’”

Since there is no national health coach certification, most health insurance companies do not cover the costs of working with a health coach. The IIN initiated a Change.org petition  to include health coaching as an allowable pre-tax expense in the Health Savings Acts, but for now, talk to your insurance provider. Some will offer health coaches, but check them out to be sure they are qualified. If you decide to pay out of pocket, prices vary widely, from about $50 to $200 per session, says Cassetta, who adds that you should expect to pay more for a more-experienced coach.

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