“I live an unhappy life. But it feels like it’s more comfortable to stay in this life rather than to change it. I am scared if I change it, it will be more difficult. What should I do?”

Sincerely,
Afraid to Change
Dear Afraid,

I think the most important thing for anybody, whoever that might be, is to learn to reduce the thoughts of competition and judgment within yourself. This helps us develop a sense of ease. A practical way to do this is take up a form of meditation that feels calm, like focusing your attention upon your breath. This is very useful.

In addition to stilling the mind, I think it is very beneficial to practice what we call the “Four Immeasurables.” These are the limitless qualities of loving-kindness, compassion, sympathetic joy, and equanimity. You can start by making the aspiration, “I wish all sentient beings to be free from suffering and the causes of suffering; and I wish all beings to have happiness and the causes of happiness.” This aspiration is a powerful form of training—the wish for others to be free from suffering gives rise to compassion, and the wish for others to have happiness gives rise to loving-kindness.

The Four Immeasurables can be practiced in formal sitting sessions, but also throughout your day. When walking you can make this aspiration, when eating you can make this aspiration, even before falling asleep, you can make this aspiration. When doing this practice, though, don’t compare, don’t judge, and don’t have too much expectation of what the result will be. Don’t be uptight with your practices; take up an attitude towards your aspirations that is gentle and soothing.

Whatever I’ve mentioned to you, just do it. There is no need to focus too intensely on changing your unhappy life to a happy life, nor is there a need to fear that whatever happiness you have will dissolve into problems. What I am trying to say is don’t obsess over the details that you think make you happy or unhappy. Don’t go into them, don’t repeat the details, just focus on developing a calm mind. Don’t judge yourself, and do something meaningful.

If you are going to focus on details, then make those details in service of meaning. Work in the garden, help people in small ways. Whatever actions you see as meaningful, take them up.

With Compassion,
Rinpoche

Phakchok Rinpocheis a Buddhist leader in the Tibetan community of Boudhanath, which lies on the edge of Kathmandu, one of the most devastated regions affected by the earthquake. He and his monks are currently providing shelter, food, and water to the homeless within the valley, and sending aid teams of monks and laypeople into the mountains with supplies. Many of the monks in these rescue teams were born in outlying villages, and can navigate the terrain in ways that international NGO’s cannot. If you feel moved to send support, you can access further information here.

Do you need advice? Submit a question to Rinpoche here.

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I am facing a mid-life crisis. I feel like I have nothing left in my life to do. I think I know why I feel this way, maybe because I feel alone and I wish I had someone to love and understand and care for, and vice versa. I cannot see what is in stake for my future, but I wish to remain calm and not worry about it. I would like to know a way to deal with this. Please help me.

Sincerely,
Uncertain

Dear Uncertain,

It is very nice to hear this question because I think many people come to have this feeling of loneliness. What I would like to say is that life needs purpose. This purpose needs to be unselfish. In order to be unselfish, we need to be calm.

Mid-life crises happen in part because we have no tools to be calm and clear. We have no tools to feel joyful and of service to others. Without these tools, we might watch our life move by and then have this sudden feeling that it is empty. This is when we develop the motivation to be of benefit to others, directly or indirectly, in manner and in thought and behavior. We need to know that we are helping others. This is an antidote to loneliness. This is healing.

During a mid-life crisis it can be useful to find a spiritual practice, or to find some type of meditation to get a fresh look into our experience. Among the great spiritual traditions of the world and especially our Buddha-dharma practice and the practice of the Enlightened ones, there is always the emphasis to continue our effort to generate loving-kindness and compassion toward all beings. Loving-kindness and compassion are crucial to my practice. This means continually wishing for the direct and indirect benefit of everyone.

I really feel that when we have the motivation to be of benefit, whether in a relationship, a family, or in some other situation, then we begin to fulfill different subtle needs of our minds and our emotions. Some people want to take up a spiritual life in times of crisis, and they should. But it is important to remember that the purpose of spiritual life should be the dawn of compassion and selflessness. We all continually have access to this compassionate aspect of mind. But to develop it we must first have a calm mind. Please persevere in calmness, loving-kindness, and compassion in this way.

As a last note, something that you might understand to be spiritual but that is actually harmful to yourself or others is actually dangerous. We need to always watch our minds and see how our spiritual practice affects our actions and the people around us. If we are healthy in mind, we are able to handle both our negative thoughts and our positive thoughts.

I really wish that you will find a nice companion, whatever companion you need. But you may not need a companion, and if you don’t need a companion, I wish you happiness in that way too.

With compassion,
Rinpoche

Do you need advice? Submit a question to Rinpoche here.

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After 25 years of marriage to a man who became slowly yet progressively more withdrawn, paranoid, and then abusive, I am separating myself from him through divorce. This is the saddest, most difficult, and depressing experience I have ever gone through. I find the loss of dreams and expectations for what I thought my life would be, for my suffering, my children’s suffering, the terrible destruction of a home and family and what should have been good, and also his suffering and inability to choose a better path, almost too much to bear. I have had to walk away from my home, most of my possessions, and financial security in order to find safety, dignity, and preserve my ethics. I still have the love of my adult children and family, and am trying to better understand the lessons of learning, and let go of all the pain that comes from attachment. However, depression, sadness, and fear sweep in like a tidal wave over and over. How does one best view and live with the sadness of loss and destruction? How does one best view and live with someone who continues to be vengeful and hurtful, while accepting no responsibility? How do I, his children, and others he hurts (including himself) understand this? How does one start over halfway through life? Thank you and may you be blessed.

Sincerely,
Grateful

Dear Grateful,

The subtlest action has so many consequences. We need to bring this recognition into our relationships. Life is difficult, our emotions are difficult, and so our relationships are going to be difficult too. Still, we can remind ourselves to have patience and understanding, even in the middle of pain and loss. We have to think deeply about the way a relationship is composed of two individual human beings interacting with one another. And in this light we can work to become stable individuals.

In general we need to take care and watch ourselves to see the problems that are produced by our own reactions. These problems can come in many forms, and this is very important to understand. If I handle myself well then I can better navigate the difficulties in my relationship. If I have more patience, more understanding, then I can work with the conditions skillfully. If I do not, then I cannot.

In light of your situation, I want to say that yes, I think that a bad person can slowly change and become good, and that a good person can sometimes change to become bad. These outcomes are the results of individual habits, patterns, and the many obstacles of life. But whether we are a religious person or not, whether we are a spiritual person or not, and whether we are dealing with a “bad” person or not, we need to properly handle our own body, mind, and speech. In this way we can be healthy and work towards reconciliation in a well-motivated way. A well-motivated way is a compassionate way, a loving way, a calm way.

The first step, when you are going through the difficulties of destruction, regret, and sadness, is to clearly see what is happening and to approach what you see with loving-kindness, compassion, and an understanding of impermanence. We have to make the effort to claim this approach.

Related: A Guided Meditation for Dealing with Heartbreak

We need to explain to our children the reality of impermanence and teach them to acknowledge the changing environment of life. We need to understand this ourselves. We need to teach our children about acceptance, and in the midst of this provide them with a positive view on life—a view that does not encourage strong judgment, but encourages clarity and acceptance. Of course, this is both parents’ responsibility. If there is one person who is creating a torturous situation, we can approach the causes for that torture on multiple levels—through talking and sharing of experience. But we also need to create space for one another.

Essentially I’m telling you that relationships are composed of individuals, which is why how you handle your own mind is so important. When my mind is unhealthy I really do create chaos in my relationships—when my mind is unhealthy I actually love to see chaos in my relationship. But when I notice that I’m cultivating a healthy and happy life through acceptance and clarity, I have much more ground to work with. I can see, through my own individual input into the relationship, what happens when I take on the responsibility to act with dignity.

Now I would also like to tell you, my dear, please take care of yourself. That is the bottom line. Take care of yourself and take care of your children. See what is happening in this relationship with clarity and take to heart the lessons it offers, even in the pain, and don’t give up on everyone so easily. Create some space and give goodness a chance in it all.

With Compassion,
Rinpoche

Need advice? Submit a question to Rinpoche here.

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I’m curious to hear your views on occasional substance use, particularly the more socially acceptable substances of alcohol and marijuana. Obviously, substance abuse is a serious issue, as are all forms of addiction, but I’m not talking about that. Specifically, I’m asking to hear your thoughts on moderate, recreational use. Do you think the occasional drink or joint is a dangerous indulgence to always be avoided or do you think if used responsibly and in moderation substances like alcohol and marijuana are okay, perhaps even beneficial from time to time? I know the 5th precept warns against the use of intoxicants, but how is this best applied in the modern world? Does that mean no glass of wine when out for dinner with friends? Or is that following the letter and missing the intent? As an interesting piece of data (can’t vouch for its veracity): In France where people are exposed to responsible alcohol use at a much earlier age, often around 11-14, there are actually fewer cases of binge drinking and alcoholism than there are in the US. The French have an old adage: Drink to enjoy not to forget.

Sincerely,
Curious About Consumption

Dear Curious,

We often think of drugs and alcohol as addictive substances, but nowadays there are so many things we can become addicted to: watching movies, our phones, the Internet, etc. So many sensory habits are cause for addiction. We need to understand our relationship to these habits. For many of us, we need to consistently keep moderation in mind.

When we look at the teachings of the Buddha carefully we can see that they are quite moderate and practical. That said, ultimately I think it is important to not be intoxicated. Intoxication can of course result from taking a substance, but we also experience mental intoxication, which arises from many different factors. The intoxication that comes from ingesting a substance is actually easier to stop than mental intoxication. These two can go hand-in-hand.

If you’ve taken the five precepts of the Buddha’s teaching then you should not take substances because one of these vows is explicitly about abstaining from intoxicants. Now, if you have not taken that vow and you want to enjoy a drink in social life, that is a different issue.

On the whole I think it comes down to the individual: One must know his or her own mind. You said you are not referring to addiction in your question but the issue is actually primarily about addiction. Some people can take substances and not be addicted, others are more susceptible. It can sometimes be useful: Certain ancient medical practitioners used marijuana as medicine.

Even within the scriptures there are descriptions of taking what we would normally call “intoxicants” as medicine. There may be medicinal uses of drugs that we usually associate with addiction, but you might take that substance to produce a beneficial result. At the same time, we often like to make excuses for ourselves. We continually take substances and convince ourselves that we are not addicted. “Oh the Buddha said do things in moderation, so why not?” In fact we are repeatedly under control of the substance.

Outside of the vows, I think to say you are absolutely not allowed to take a substance is one extreme. However, when you say you are totally allowed, that is another extreme. This is my observation. The methods of conduct in the Buddhist teaching are articulated to improve a person and prevent him or her from falling into an extreme. The precept to not take intoxicants exists because we are so easily addicted to them and because we make unclear decisions under their effects. We are so susceptible to falling under the power of so many sensory experiences. But when you look carefully at the Buddha’s teaching we see that things are largely individual and that a great number of precepts exist to prevent obsession on many levels and to prevent us from hurting ourselves and others.

With Compassion,
Rinpoche

Need advice? Submit a question to Rinpoche here.

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When I am at work I have to deal with all the insanity of other people. I am just getting into meditation and the Buddhist perspective on the world. But it is difficult for me to maintain the Buddhist values in this setting. How do I maintain good motivation in the face of passive aggressive people, unreasonable demands, and big egos?

Sincerely,
Struggling for Patience

Dear Struggling,

Yes, navigating our habits and the habits of others is very difficult. Maintaining a consistent meditation practice will help you. When I say meditation, I also mean the intention and motivation you cultivate during stability practice. In the beginning, in the middle, and in the end of a meditation session, you should hold these wishes in your heart: I want all beings to have happiness; I want all beings to be free from suffering.

When you meditate with this intention then the practice does not become a selfish act. I feel that meditation can be spiritual or non-spiritual. If you don’t have the intention to benefit others then I don’t feel that the practice is really spiritual. You are going to feel that something is missing.

When people don’t give us respect, when there are nasty people around, we must reduce our judgments and our expectations of how they should act. Observe your weaknesses—your moments of judgment. Continuous judgment is our difficulty. Keep up the practice every day. When you encounter negative emotions arising in your work environment, take a moment to reflect on your intentions and think about benefitting all beings—step away for a moment, perhaps into the bathroom, and check-in. Cultivate the wish for everyone to be happy. These two practices of loving-kindness and reducing judgment go together, and this is how our mind becomes very, very steady.

From my own experience I can say that in the beginning you are not going to immediately tame your mind or master your emotions. So, I tell you—intention, reflection, and meditation. These three go hand-in-hand.

In the beginning all of your difficulties will be in seeing how you handle yourself. When your meditation gets better, and your motivation and intention become more refined, when judgments are reduced and loving-kindness grows, then the person who is creating difficulties is actually going to help you. When you keep up this practice and you start to slowly change, at some point you will say, “Oh this person is my teacher too, because he is giving me the opportunity to practice.” This takes time.

With Compassion,
Rinpoche

Need Advice? Submit a question to Rinpoche here. 

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I am an emotional eater. I eat (and overeat) when I’m not hungry to console feelings of anxiety and stress, as well as excitement. While I haven’t always had this issue, I’ve seen it more pronounced in the last year. I want to train myself to eat better, but I’m feeling frustrated and don’t know where to start. What would you recommend as a course of action?

Sincerely,
Anxious Eater

Dear Anxious Eater,

When dealing with an issue that feels insurmountable, it’s helpful to think about the vast potential of mind. The mind always has the potential to get better, and there are many exercises that can help lead to improvement.

The first method I want to share is the simple practice of “creating space.” All you need to do is take a moment to bring attention to the space above your head. Feel that space, explore it. See where it ends, where it doesn’t end. Just look. Then bring attention to the space in front of you and do the same thing. Feel the space to the right and left of you, behind you, and below you. Just gently explore the spaciousness of your surroundings. You aren’t really “meditating,” so much as investigating through feeling. Turn your attention to this openness, and then relax into it. At first, you may not detect anything, but I guarantee that by the 20th time you try this, you will feel an opening in your chest, a lightness. You may even feel very tired. If this happens, no problem, just take a nap. That nap is so much more restful than normal sleep.

You can do this practice anywhere at any time. When you feel the urge to eat because of anxiety or stress, stop and gently do this practice, and then see how you feel.

You can also practice lightly bringing attention to your breath. Do not focus on your breath as if you need to “win,” like you are taking an examination. Just gently bring attention to the air entering and exiting your nose. Let your eyes rest in the space in front of you, and hang loose. The breath is an anchor that helps you rest. Over time, you can slowly decrease attention on the breath until you are resting loosely and alertly in space. This will help your mind relax.

It’s also good to remind yourself of the strength of the mind through writing. Write down a nice statement like, “The mind always has the potential for improvement,” or, “There is no limit to what the mind can develop,” or something that is inspirational for you, and put that paper someplace where you can see it. Maybe you can tape it to your bathroom mirror. Most importantly, though, you need to know how to hang loose and relax. You don’t need to focus too intensely on this eating habit. Hanging loose and relaxing will help you better than anything.

Lastly, another practical tip that may help is to keep a healthy snack like mixed nuts or dried fruits in a small package. Whenever you are nervous or excited and feel the urge to eat, you can practice making space and then eat that smaller portion instead of an unhealthy meal.

With Compassion,
Rinpoche

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I’m having continued fights with my husband because we have very different views of family. To me, family is something that causes stress and anxiety and pain. He is close with his family and loves to spend time with all of its members. We are discussing having children, but I am having a hard time talking about having kids because I’m afraid our family will turn into the negative and unhappy family I was raised in.

Whenever the word family comes up, I feel stressed out, and now it’s causing big fights with my husband because he says it’s time I get over my past issues and embrace starting a family with him. He tells me I need to move on and not think about the past but instead imagine a happy future with him and my future kids. I love my husband, but I still feel very stressed out when thinking about our future family and don’t know if I see myself in a happy family. But I don’t want to divorce my husband, and I know he wants kids. What do I tell him? How can I avoid fighting every few months about this issue, to the point where we talk about separating?

Sincerely,
Divided by Family

Dear Divided,

Family is one of the primary social structures through which we grow, have meaningful experiences, and improve. Individually, we have different experiences, but generally the health of the family comes from our ability to communicate as well as actively develop respect and understanding. We especially need to improve our capacity for sharing. So what I’d like to say is that if you are having difficulty making decisions about this with your husband, you need to look into your own experience and improve yourself, so that you can understand yourself and share more effectively.

Whatever negative experiences you had while growing up do not need to happen in your family. You can decide for yourself what happens in your own family. But I think you clearly see that fighting and quarreling will not solve your issues. Therefore, you and your husband need to genuinely try to understand and listen to each other’s position and, though it may be difficult, make a firm commitment not to scold or fight.

I sometimes feel that being excessively patient is stupid because you don’t say what you feel and the problem grows within yourself. Therefore, it is important to share, but you need to share skillfully, with a respect for the balance in the relationship. Working on yourself as an individual can help you do this.

It may be helpful to do a little bit of meditation. Both of you should try, each morning, to sit in a chair or on a cushion. Keep your spine straight, but not tight, simply relaxing in an upright position. Then, with eyes open and your gaze resting slightly downward in front of you, bring a gentle attention to your breath. You don’t need to control the breath, just softly rest your mind on the sensation of it entering and exiting your nose. Practicing in this way can help bring stability and clarity and make it easier for you to negotiate the stressful ideas about starting a family that you hold.

Also, you can both cultivate loving-kindness by sitting in meditation posture and making the wish that all beings have happiness and the causes of happiness. Make this wish again and again and really feel this in your heart. See what it does for both of you to practice this together. I think that loving-kindness practice is very important because in your relationship he wants something and you want something, and this practice can help you reach across to each other.

Sometimes, if your partner isn’t willing to share, the best thing you can do is manage your own mind, be strong, and organize your own thoughts.

With Compassion,
Rinpoche

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