When I was younger, I thought that working hard and getting good grades would lead to a fulfilling job and help me advance up the ladder at work. But now that I’ve been employed for more than a decade, I find myself going through the motions of meaningless work, still facing student debt, and feeling like no matter how hard I work, I’m treading water and not advancing. I could leave, but I worry that every corporate job is like this. What do I do?

Sincerely,
Unfulfilled

Dear Unfulfilled,

It sounds like you’re in a struggle that many young adults share. These are the challenges of modern times, in which you are trying to lay down solid roots and advance in a career. You are frustrated, working away with your wheels spinning in the mud on what seems like a dead-end road. At the same time, you’re working hard to stay employed and chip away at compounding student debt. When we consider all of these factors together, it makes sense that you have concluded that life is unfulfilling and devoid of real meaning and purpose. It all feels rather futile, I imagine.

Nevertheless, there remains an opportunity in this strife to author a meaningful existence for your life. To author one’s existence is an intention that you must choose to live by every day. This kind of existential authorship requires you to be a present, creative, brave, and active participant in your life.

In your question, there is a dilemma in which you must choose between carving out a new path for yourself or establishing meaning in your current situation. Each of these two paths has pros and cons. I invite you to take some time to map those out on your own.

My goal is to give you a dialectical behavior therapy (DBT, as described by Lane Pederson) method to create a more fulfilling life path. This method is rooted in the notion that human beings are creatures of habit and benefit from consistent and predictable routines. Therefore, I recommend keeping your sleep, wake, and mealtimes consistent throughout the week.

However, the shadow side of developing consistent routines is that you can get bored and burn out. If you get too rigid, you will likely rebel against the beneficial structures that you are creating. Hence, according to Pederson, you must also infuse your routine with open space and time during which you can be creative and unstructured.

Related: A Brilliant Way to Organize Your Calendar for Less Stress

You see, within our lives is a tension between the things that we must do to survive and those activities that bring us joy and meaning. To maximize our sense of leading a fulfilling life, these two poles must exist in a balanced relationship.

It sounds like your focus is currently on the “must do” end of the scale, and weight is needed on the “meaningful activities” side. Therefore, a helpful and immediate step forward is to intentionally add back into your life those things that you love to do. If you do not know what those are, then it is a time to be playful and experiment with different activities and see what brings you joy. Be curious and explore!

A straightforward and effective way of protecting yourself from boredom is to put creative playtime on your schedule. During this time, be spontaneous, go with the flow, and do something unexpected and exciting. Also remember that (aside from sleeping, waking, and eating) every day does not have to be identical.

From this general framework of a daily routine, there are other components recommended in this DBT approach, based on Pederson’s work. For instance, part of your structured routine must include a commitment to fulfilling ongoing responsibilities. You will increase your success if you break long-term responsibilities into smaller actionable steps to be completed weekly. So create a daily, weekly, and monthly action plan to ensure you are meeting your life duties.

Be sure your responsibilities are also inclusive of activities oriented toward fulfilling your life values, goals, and plans. By attending to these, you will begin to notice a growing sense of fulfillment. Integrate daily practices that enhance the mind, body, and spiritual well-being. These practices can include many different things, such as meditation, yoga, exercise, and time in nature.

Then consider what rituals or traditions you would like to add to or restore in your life. These can be traditions connected with the seasons, holidays, or simple daily ones like a morning coffee or tea ritual. The possibilities are endless. Ask yourself, what interests me? How can I keep life fresh? What can I do to be playful and engage in something new, even if it’s driving home via a different route? When you identify these, place them on your daily schedule and do these activities often. It is like putting money in the bank that increases your vitality, and you can make withdrawals when you are attending to those “have to” tasks.

Related: 3 Easy Ways to Spark Joy Without Cleaning a Thing

The last component Pederson outlines is to envision a wholesome, full, and fulfilling life. The best advice I have here is to keep your end goals in focus every day, and, at the same time, stay patient, dedicated, and steadfast in your pursuit. You must remember that developing a fulfilling life plan and path takes time and repetition. Forgive yourself when you fall back on old habits, and then get right back at it without any energy expended on judging yourself.

You may consider keeping a journal or notebook that you can use to map out the above components and have a writing space that you can refer to in order to hold yourself accountable.

Life is continuously happening and will continue to do so with or without anyone’s participation. The constant invitation to us is to take charge and dive into life, knowing every moment is precious and tomorrow is not guaranteed. We must never waste a single moment!

I thank you for writing in with your inquiry. It is a question for an entire generation of folks working to carve out a meaningful and fulfilling future. I wish you the best on your journey!

Warmly,
John

References:
Pederson, Lane. The Expanded Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Training Manual, 2nd Edition: DBT for Self-Help and Individual & Group Treatment Settings. PESI Publishing & Media. Kindle Edition.

The post Create a Fulfilling Life appeared first on Sonima.

My dad has gone through some hard times with his health in the last year, and it’s really changed his perspective. It seems like he always finds the negative in everything. To be honest, being around him brings me down too. After all he’s been through and at his age, I want him to appreciate the good things he still has. Is there a way to get through to him and change his outlook? And if not, how can I avoid “catching” his negativity when I spend time with him?

Thank you,
Seeking the Positive

Dear Seeking the Positive,

Thank you for writing in. I can feel how much you love and care about your dad. I imagine it is tough to balance holding your care and concern for him while also protecting yourself from his negativity. Your question has a lot of depth, and when I read it, the words of the famous psychologist Rick Hanson came to mind. He teaches that, “the brain is like Velcro for negative experiences, but Teflon for positive ones.” He further points out that our experiences can be shaded by a negativity bias.

In simple terms, the negativity bias is a research-based concept that suggests we humans seem to be more influenced by negative perceptions than by positive ones. Perhaps this is because, as we evolved, noticing threats served our survival better. Threat monitoring makes it so we can take evasive and protective action to stay safe and perpetuate our species. However, the pitfall in this is that if all we notice is the negative, that is the direction in which our attention and energy will go. Therefore, we must be intentional about discovering and seeing the good that is also around us in moments where we are indeed safe.

If we hold this model in mind when we think about your dad, one hypothesis is that the illness may have amplified his predisposition to notice what is negative over what is good. He is on alert mode and perhaps more attuned to what is wrong internally and externally. I know this sort of insight doesn’t make his negativity feel any better for you, but perhaps developing this awareness can call forth greater compassion for where he is at. It also doesn’t mean that you should not address it or set effective boundaries with him. Maintaining healthy boundaries is an act of love, not a punishment. They protect the relationship.

Related: Help Me Save This Friendship

It is true that the extent to which you can transform your dad’s perspective may be limited. He must want that for himself. However, you do have control over how you would like to be in your relationship with him and how you can let go of whatever negative stuff he puts on or around you. It is on this domain that I offer the following contemplation.

A Practice to Focus on the Positive

The first step is to open psychological space and freedom by sitting in stillness and connecting to deep breathing. So take a few wholesome, long, slow, deep breaths that flow down into your belly and pelvis, and draw up some of the natural good healing medicine from the earth. Carry that up through you to awaken compassion in your heart.

Next, call into awareness a recent event that challenged you. Observe what interpretations you hold about this event with respect to yourself, to others, and to the world in general. Notice where you may be caught in some form of negativity. Does this challenging experience spark any negative statements about yourself, others, or the world? Are you judging? Shoulding? Othering? Craving, desiring, or wanting in a way that is perpetuating further hurt or suffering? If so, can you sit in the space of these challenging thoughts and emotions with a soft recognition that it is OK to have them? Then, can you recognize that this is a moment of hurt for you—and allow it? Take a few moments here and be gentle with the breath.

When you feel centered, proceed by setting the intention that you are going to make a conscious move toward growth.

The next step is to reflect on this same experience to determine if you are neglecting other important details of it due to the negativity bias. What parts of the experience may have some good in them? Do not dismiss this possibility without looking. There is likely something good in the situation, or if not in the situation, in the people involved, how you worked your way through it, or how you may be able to grow as a result of the experience. What comes up for you?

When you have identified some good in this experience, then let it steep. Give yourself permission to pause here, letting yourself savor and embody this goodness. Much like it requires time to let a good cup of coffee or loose-leaf tea steep to maximize the delicious flavor, we can let ourselves steep in our positive cognitions, sensations, and emotions resulting from our experiences. When you feel that you have let the positive soak in, take a moment to set an intention to carry this good, healing energy forward with you.

When you are ready, close out the practice by coming back to the breath and having a good, long exhale through the mouth. An audible sigh is a great way to signify the letting go and completely release the meditation.

As you move forward from this practice and in life, stay true to this intention to do your best to stay alert to the good that is happening around in all moments, and put your focus there. The more you focus your lens, the more clearly you will see.

Thank you again for writing in. I wish you the best on your journey!

Warmly,
John

Acknowledgements:
The author wishes to acknowledge the teachings of Rick Hanson, PhD, and Kristin Neff, PhD, for their scholarly contributions that have influenced this author in his own practice and formulating this article and related practice.

The post How to Deal with Negative People appeared first on Sonima.

If you find it challenging to focus this time of year, it’s not your fault. Combine the enticements of summertime fun, the tendency to get overheated and dehydrated, and our natural penchant for doing many things at once, and you have a recipe for concentration deficit. This lack of focus makes us less productive and is also a leading source of anxiety.

One primary way to minimize the effects of all our multi-tasking is to set aside some time during the day to unplug from social media and outside inputs altogether. But I want to give you an additional strategy to subvert the effects of all of that multitasking. I want to give you a tool to train your mind to focus better, attend, and be present in an easy and meaningful way.

If you think you are exempt, try this test: The next time you sit down to eat, challenge yourself to be mindful of each and every bite. You will soon discover that even when you think you are doing only one thing—in this instance, eating—you may also be listening to music, chatting, reading, or checking email. So strategy number one is to practice mindful eating once in a while, if not once a day. Even just for a few bites, concentrate only on eating!

Truly training the mind may require a more targeted practice, so I want to offer you two techniques. Think of these together as a reframe, a chance to retrain yourself and increase your ability to concentrate, focus in the moment, and, ultimately, remain focused effortlessly. Scientific studies show that meditative practices like these actually develop parts of the brain used in concentration and focus. It’s like a fitness regimen for the mind: You are building the ability to get present and stay present, training yourself to let go of thoughts as they pop up (and they will always pop up!) and become more immune to distractions overall.

This first technique is simple and requires just minutes a day: Count breathing cycles. Inhale, exhale, one. Inhale, exhale, two. Inhale, exhale, three. And so on. You may be able to get only as far as two or three at first. But with practice, you will improve, and so will your ability to concentrate. Do what you can, and when a thought interrupts, go back to one.

The second technique is this guided meditation. Together we work up to 10 breathing cycles.

What a relief it is to learn that you can control your mind. You don’t have to pay attention to every little idea that pops up or detail of the world around you. For a few delicious moments, you can sit quietly and just notice. When you can be mindful in the present moment at will, your ability to concentrate naturally increases.

Do one or both of these practices daily as a gift of mind-training to yourself. Then get out there and take advantage of all the season has to offer!

Related: 7 Realistic Ways to Approach Mindful Eating

The post How to Focus Better: A Meditation appeared first on Sonima.

The even better news: It’s contagious. In a Harvard University study, researchers discovered what they dubbed the “Mother Teresa Effect”: Simply witnessing acts of kindness (such as those performed by Mother Teresa) may have a positive physiological response, even potentially improving immune function. Who knew kindness could be such a fulfilling spectator sport?

Here are three ways you can incorporate random acts of kindness into your daily life to be more present, release stress, and make a positive impact on others. After each act, journal about what you did and how it made you feel. Soon you’ll have a feel-good book full of inspiration for yourself and others, proving that you can be the joy you wish to see in the world. And keep in mind that these are just a handful of ways you can harness and multiply your joy; the options are endless.

1. Use your voice for good

How many times a day do you admire something about someone—strangers included—and keep it to yourself? Now imagine the impact of expressing those lovely thoughts. People around you would feel good, breathe a little easier, stand a little taller, and maybe even share some of their own kind words with the world. And you’d likely experience what psychologists call the “helper’s high,” a state of euphoria based on a theory that giving releases endorphins in the brain, leaving us with an emotional high.

Try it:

• Carve out time for “appreciations” in a work meeting or at the family dinner table. Verbalizing what you’re grateful for in others will have exponential returns.
• Go out of your way to offer thoughtful compliments to those around you, taking care to be inclusive to those who may be easily overlooked in today’s youth- and beauty-obsessed society.
• Scroll through your social media feed and, instead of playing the comparison game, choose to champion others by dropping words of encouragement in the comments.
• Show the love. Write LinkedIn recommendations for colleagues or Yelp and Facebook reviews for your favorite small businesses and entrepreneur friends.

2. Give from a place of abundance

They say it is better to give than to receive; a study from the University of Texas at Austin and Duke University reported that people who practice kindness by volunteering experience less anxiety, depression, and pain, and those 55 or older were 44 percent less likely to die.

Sometimes we may think that we don’t have enough time or financial resources to be generous with others, but random acts of joy don’t need to take a lot of time or cost a thing. This is where creativity comes in. When we give from a place of abundance, knowing that there is more than enough for everyone, we receive so much in return, better health included.

Try it:

• Connect with your local Buy Nothing group to give your unwanted items a new home. This is also a great way to meet your neighbors and build community.
• Store some small bags with fresh socks, protein bars, bottled water, and personal care items in your car. Offer them along with a kind smile to people in need as you encounter them. It feels so good for them to be seen.
• Gather the children in your life and set up an old-fashioned lemonade stand with a twist: Thirsty customers may pay only in jokes. Giggles abound.
• Show up at a nearby ball game or school graduation and cheer loudly, especially for the kids who may not have anyone present.
• Form an unofficial welcoming committee and hold up a banner in the arrivals section of your city’s airport. This is especially fun to do during the holidays when there’s an abundance of travelers.

Related: A Yogic Meditation on Love and Kindness

3. Play well with others

During heavy times and full weeks, play is the perfect anecdote to adulting. The ever-popular hashtag #SundayFunday is a weekly reminder that so many of us just want to let loose. Playful people are reported to have less stress and more coping strategies to adapt to life’s changes. So channel your inner child and get nostalgic about the things you loved to do when you were younger. Once you’ve decided on your shenanigans, it’s time to invite someone to come outside and play.

Try it:

• Bring coloring books, play-doh, and board games to your local senior center, and witness the wondrous sparkle in their eyes.
• Use sidewalk chalk to write encouraging phrases or draw hopscotch squares in a public place and watch to see who jumps in.
• Use an extension cord to move your TV outside, pop some popcorn, set up blankets, and invite your neighbors to watch some good ol’ cartoons.
• Share your most treasured books and volunteer to read aloud to patients at a local hospital.

The post 3 Easy Ways to Spark Joy Without Cleaning a Thing appeared first on Sonima.

I have great anxiety around the passage of time. I suppose you could call it “fear of missing out”. The days, months, and years seem to be passing so quickly, and I feel like I haven’t done all the things I assumed I would do by now. The thought that I’m wasting my life keeps me up at night. Why do I feel like this? How can I break free of these thoughts?

Signed,

FOMO

Dear FOMO,

Thank you for writing with a question that I think many readers will identify with. I think of your question as being an existential signal that something important is happening in your psyche right now that needs attention. Further, rather than trying to “break free” from these challenging thoughts and feelings, I propose that you listen to them and engage with them to determine what they are trying to communicate to you.

The feeling you’re having is an invitation and an opportunity for you to notice—without judgment—if something in your life is off course right now. Or if in some way you have disconnected from the creative and authentic part of yourself that is longing to be expressed. If so, then now is the time to redirect your energy back to what is important to you.

In his book To Bless the Space Between Us: A Book of Blessings, John O’Donohue writes, “Each of us is an artist of our days; the greater our integrity and awareness, the more original and creative our time will become.”

You are an artist, and now is the time to reestablish integrity and awareness so you can fulfill your heart’s desire. The contemplative process below is something that we all should do from time to time to keep ourselves grounded in our values and to direct our lives from these values.

In the following meditation practice, we will begin with a reflection from a “bird’s eye view,” and then you will further workshop what you discover in your meditation to create actionable steps. Of course, only you can decide exactly what steps you would like to take based upon what you discover in this process.

A Meditation for Meaning and Purpose in Life

1. Clear a space for practice. Turn off your devices and put them away. Tell anyone in your living environment that you are entering a sacred space and are not to be distracted or interrupted. If you tell yourself, “I don’t have time for this” or “I can’t do it,” then you are not ready to take this step. That is OK. Other things will need to happen first in your life to be open to this path. This time that you are creating—not finding—for yourself is the most important executive meeting of your life. This is the kind of helpful intensity that is needed to live on an authentic, spiritual path.

2. When you have your space established, take time to get comfortable, whether you choose to sit, stand, or lie down. Settle into a natural breathing pattern. There’s nothing to do and nothing to change; simply let things be.

3. Intentionally feel your body connected to the earth or whatever is supporting you. Place one or both hands on your heart. Connect to your heart and recognize this heart space as a place of inherent and bountiful love and acceptance.

4. When you feel that you have reached a place of stillness and center, pose to your heart (your wisdom body): What is needed most for me right now to (re)connect to meaning and purpose in my life?

5. Now simply observe what comes up from this question with utmost curiosity. Note: Please recognize that in this type of process, everything is relevant, from thoughts that make no sense to spontaneous discomfort in the body, to ancient memories or flashes of images in the mind, to even what is happening around you. For example, you may sit down to do this meditation and the construction crew starts jackhammering away outside your window, and suddenly you’re upset, distracted, and have lost the practice. This is all “grist for the mill.” You must love everything and embrace all the obstacles as essential parts of the practice. Sit with everything that arises and take note of it all; you are data-gathering.

Related: How Making Mental Space Can Unlock Your Purpose

6. When you feel that you have gathered ample data for this session, connect back to your breathing and make a gentle and intentional transition out of the meditation. I prefer to use the energy of an exhale to release the contemplative state.

7. Once you come out of the meditation, write everything down in a journal right away so you don’t lose anything. Do not worry about grammar, punctuation, or completing sentences, just put the data down.

8. Analyze what you wrote, keeping in mind that this analysis is more creative than scientific. Play around with putting things in a different order or ranking them. You may order things from more “broad” or “global” insights that pertain to your life in general to more “specific” data points, such as items that point to one domain in your life, such as family.

9. Translate these items into action items that need to be taken in your life to address the question “What is most needed right now?” If you have trouble figuring out how to arrange your “findings” write out “goals” that address the domains of mind, body, spirit, relationships, and vocation. For example, a goal that addresses the mind might be to take time for a simple breathing meditation for a few minutes each day to enable the opportunity to release mental “clutter.” This goal may address something like a feeling in meditation that your mind is everywhere and can’t stay focused. A body goal may be to exercise for X number of minutes per day to address feelings of physical fatigue in meditation and restlessness at night.

Related: What Does the Universe Want from Me?

10. After you write out all of the above, it is time to summarize what you found in a kind of mission statement for your life. I recommend keeping it simple, actionable, and measurable. If it is too complex, you may never begin. If it is too theoretical, you won’t know what to do to bring it to fruition. If it is not measurable, how will you know you are accomplishing your goals?

11. Please be willing to repeat this practice as many times as needed or vary it according to what works best for you. Please do not be discouraged if you try it a few times and nothing happens. Patience is part of the path. I suspect that as you work, this practice will reignite the purpose-driven life that those challenging thoughts and feelings may have started to diminish. Recognize them as helpers. They are your friends calling out to you to come back to yourself.

As we close out, I pose to you the question that the poet Mary Oliver gave to us all at the end of her poem “The Summer Day”:

… what is it you plan to do
With your one wild and precious life?

I thank you for writing in, and I wish you the best on this journey.

Warmly,
John

The post Live With No Fear of Missing Out appeared first on Sonima.

Whenever I accomplish anything or something exciting happens to me, I find that I downplay it to my family and friends. I feel embarrassed when they ask me about any successes that I’ve had because I don’t want to seem like I’m bragging—even about normal things like a small promotion or buying a new car. Is it something that I should change? And if so, how?

Thank you,

Humble Brag

Dear Humble Brag,

Thank you for writing in. You ask an important question that is tied to a psychological need we all have to appropriately feel good about ourselves and confident in our talents, abilities, and contributions to the world.

You are right in implying that most people do not want to be considered a bragger or be thought of as overly boastful or arrogant. The very fact that you are sensitive to how others perceive you leads me to believe that you are not likely at risk of being these such things. Furthermore, your discomfort is a familiar feeling that many folks have, so rest assured you are not alone.

In response to your question, if your hesitancy to share your success is something to change, I sense that you are aware that this behavioral trait limits your happiness and fulfillment in your relationships with family and friends. Therefore, let’s explore how you can grow more confident about celebrating yourself.

Meaningful and sustainable change in many cases is built on a foundation of self-love and self-acceptance. Existing in a state of constant self-judgment and blame robs one of the vital life energy that is needed to put one foot in front of the other and take the first step toward transformation. Therefore, the foundational work is to hold a compassionate and loving space for oneself and say “yes” to life’s challenges. This is counter-intuitive to our more instinctual tendency to avoid the hard stuff. The moving toward what is real is a mindfulness practice.

The mindfulness practice that I would like for you to try involves four steps. The first two steps are contemplative and include meditation, and the last two are about putting the discoveries of that meditation into action.

1. Quiet down in meditation. (If the concept of meditation is new for you or sounds too esoteric, sit down in a quiet space where you will not be distracted and focus on your breathing.) When you feel settled, bring into awareness a recent experience that you feel comfortable working with in which you had a success or accomplishment, such as those examples you gave in your question like getting a small promotion. When you have this experience in your awareness, let it be there and move to the next step.

2. Connect to how you feel about your accomplishment. Spend a wholesome amount of time really savoring how amazing this experience is. This is a counter move to what I am guessing you usually do, which is gloss over your positive feelings and/or minimize them or dismiss them outright. Pay careful attention to how you are experiencing these positive emotions, feel this beautiful sense of fulfillment, and take note of and let yourself have the full array of pleasant thoughts and feelings. Becoming familiar with and allowing yourself to celebrate you and your accomplishments are vital steps to being able to share those very things with your loved ones. Once you have practiced this step several times over and feel confident, move to step three.

3. Use your findings from step two to share your accomplishment with a trusted family member or friend. You may find it helpful at first to rehearse this on your own or have a script to follow. I recommend including something like, “I am so excited to tell you about this amazing thing that I did…” Develop your own authentic language about your achievement. Remember that this step is a practice and it does not have to go perfectly. It is OK to fumble or stumble over your words. We must recognize that whenever we are trying to take a growth step, it takes commitment and practice, which means repetition and a non-judgmental attitude. After you have told your loved one about your experience, you are ready for step four.

4. In the presence of your loved one, truly enjoy and relish the positive feelings of what you achieved. Celebrate yourself even if your partner does not respond as you expect. Feeling good about yourself and your positive accomplishments is a healthy and vital part of your development.

Repeat the above practice as many times as feels right for you to solidify this new way of being in the world. It is essential to celebrate yourself and your achievements to keep up your excitement and zest for life.

Many blessings,
John

Related: A 5-Minute Meditation to Start Building Your Practice

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My entire life—when choosing a college, starting a career, deciding to get married and have children, etc.—I’ve found it hard not to compare myself to everyone else. But as I get older, I am seeing the timelines and expectations for what life should look like get less and less clear. Some of my friends are wildly successful, some are having babies, others are traveling the world. I find myself out of sorts without an obvious next step. How do I figure out what I really want from my life?

Thank you,
Nothing Compared To

Dear Nothing Compared To,

Thank you for writing in. At times we all get caught in the trap of comparing ourselves to our peers. We tend to think that our accomplishments and our life stage should be on par with or better than theirs. But it’s not only OK to be exactly where you are; we can transform ourselves much more efficiently if we operate from a place of acceptance.

With that in mind, your more salient question concentrates on how to identify what you want from life, so I want to give you a contemplative practice for this goal. You will create a vision across each of the different yet connected areas of your life.

A few areas to consider are your physical health, emotional and mental health, spiritual well-being, and sense of meaning and life purpose. There are undoubtedly other categories that you can think of or subcategories of these. However, I recommend keeping it simple at first. You can always repeat the exercise and further elaborate your meditation to include a broader or more specific focus.

The entry point into a contemplative practice is to clear out a physical, mental, and emotional “space” so that you can bring your entire being into the meditation without having to work extra hard to ward off any distractions.

When you have your space established, read through the instructions below in full so you understand the flow of it. Then come back to the beginning to initiate the practice.

1. Take a comfortable seat or lie down on the floor. When you feel settled, begin a practice of relaxed breathing. It may be beneficial to do a few rounds of a breath-counting practice to center more fully into the breath. A simple way to do this is to place one hand on your belly and one hand on your heart. Do your best to focus on delivering the breath into your lower hand and expanding the belly for a count of three to five or more, whatever feels most comfortable for you. Exhale for twice as long as the inhale and completely empty the breath from the belly, lungs, and chest.

When you feel that you have established a state of relaxation, let your breath return to its more natural cadence.

Related: I Don’t Have a Best Friend. Am I Normal?

2. Since this meditation intends to unearth your true desires for your life path, I invite you to place your hands onto your heart, which is a traditional place of feeling and wisdom. Next, initiate a dialogue with your heart by asking yourself what you need most in your life right now, and in the future, in the following areas:

• physical health
• mental and emotional health
• career/vocation
• relationships (family, friends, romantic)
• existential and spiritual well-being (life meaning, purpose, higher power, and ethical and moral direction)

During your meditation, take pause and spend an intuitive amount of time in each area. You will likely know when the process is complete for each domain through a felt, intuitive sense. If your meditation time is limited, you can focus your practice on one area at a time and complete additional meditations over several days.

3. As you complete your meditation session, consider taking a few conscious breaths with your hands on your heart to practice gratitude. Offer this gratitude for all of the wisdom and discoveries you made during the practice.

4. Lastly, when you complete your meditation, it will be advantageous to record your reflections in a journal so you do not forget what you learned.

You can come back to this practice as many times as needed to feel complete in the process and periodically to check in on your values to determine if you are in fact living by them.

I wish you the best with this practice and on your journey!

Warmly,
John

The post How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others appeared first on Sonima.

Mainly, what I’m talking about is bringing your work home with you when you don’t really have to. Many of us continue to not only communicate with our colleagues after hours, but we also bring our “work headspace” home with us. Most people know this isn’t a healthy habit but can’t seem to stop themselves from doing it. They can’t force themselves to detach because, well, it’s not easy to leave work behind when you’re so connected to it.

But think about it this way: Even if you really identify with your job, the relationships you have outside of the workplace are not related to your job. This is a major reason you need to set your work identity aside when you leave your desk. You have other roles to play, and they’re just as important as your work role. You could be the CEO of a company, but when you come home and play with your dog or your child, you’re no longer CEO. Your dog has nothing to do with how your day at work was.

Most would agree that work-life balance and a little separation between the two are good things but are unsure of how to achieve them. In my experience, there are two main ways to ensure you leave your work where it belongs.

1. Awareness of your role.

When you have a sense of duty toward work, that duty often falls within a certain time limit. For some that’s 9:00 to 5:00. For others, there is no formal start or end to their work day. They are essentially “on-call” all the time. But even those who work irregular hours have other roles to play besides “worker”, whether that’s father, mother, sibling, child, partner, friend, or anything else. Whenever you identify with one of those roles, you’re able to do your duty in that role to the fullest. The key to getting this right is being aware of which role you are playing at any given time. Because when you’re aware of your current role, you can detach from all the others you play and move seamlessly from one to another.

So let’s say you’re a doctor, but you are talking to your friend and you really want to be a good friend to them in that moment. You’re ideally going to come to them from the perspective of a friend, not a doctor. In that moment, you are just their friend and nothing more. You detach yourself from your role as a doctor. Or perhaps you’re a manager at work. You can’t be a manager in your home, and you can’t be a husband or wife in the workplace. So your whole role shifts based on your environment.

If you’re aware of your role in a given moment, you can play that role to the maximum. It then becomes easier to disconnect from whatever is going on at work. You can go to a bar with your friends and not worry about your email. If you’re having a hard time setting work aside, simply ask yourself which role you ideally want to be playing in a given moment. As long as you are aware, you can shift very easily and spontaneously.

Related: Stay Present in Distracting Situations

2. In-between activities.

The second method of separating your work and home lives is best for people who find it very difficult to disconnect from their work and notice it bleeding into their next role. If you’ve already tried the above approach and it’s not working, consider this one. Maybe on a daily or weekly basis, there’s a problem happening at work, and you’re not able to set it aside. You feel stressed even after you leave your workspace. You might even find yourself checking your email every few minutes, just to see if there are any updates.

If this sounds familiar, try this: When you come home from or finish work, do a short activity before you launch into anything else—like trying to be a good parent or a compassionate partner, or even just unwinding from a long day. The activity should be at the physical or mental level. At the physical level, you could go to the gym or do a bit of gardening or cooking. Or some choose to sit quietly and have a cup of tea. At the mental or spiritual level, you could take a mindful walk or do a 5- to 10-minute meditation.

Overall, the idea here is that a very short action can disconnect you from your whole day and really bring in that sense of moving into your next role. By repeating this action on a regular basis, you signal to yourself that whenever this action happens, your work day is done. It should be an activity that’s totally different from work and is not demanding in the same way your work is. When you deliberately separate the parts of your day and the roles you have to play, moving between them becomes effortless.

The post How to Detach from Your Work Life appeared first on Sonima.

Dear At a Loss, 

It sounds like this is a time where your partner needs support, and you are also recognizing that your ability to provide that support is reaching or at its limit. Compassion fatigue is a common experience that caretakers feel when overwhelmed. It is OK that you feel this way, and it is vital that you can recognize it. Here we will focus on a couple of steps you can take to more effectively care for your partner and yourself.

First, I think it is helpful to recognize that grief is not something that has a clear and definitive end. Rather, I think of it more as a lifelong process in which there will be times of differing levels of hurt, loss, and longing for the deceased. It is true that there tends to be a natural recovery period following grief. During that time the initial intense symptoms eventually lessen and fade. It is very likely that those feelings will reappear over the years, but oftentimes in a way that is manageable.

In psychology when we look at bereavement, the typical expectation for adults is that the emotional intensity associated with the loss will diminish within 12 months. If grief disrupts one’s functioning in different life areas such as social and familial relationships, work obligations, or other important areas beyond the 12-month mark, then it may suggest the person is experiencing complications with their grief and may benefit from professional support. Additionally, connecting your partner to professional support may protect your relationship from further erosion. If you decide to make this suggestion to her, do your best to be gentle, kind, soft, sweet, and loving in your encouragement. For many, seeing a therapist—especially if they haven’t before—can feel scary and in some cultures even stigmatizing (even though it should not be so). If therapy feels overwhelming to your partner, you may even consider offering to accompany her to the first few appointments.

Related: The Essential Couples Communication Secret

In the meantime, to help your partner move forward, it will be wise for you to do your best to first accept that her grief is a moving and living process that is natural and healing. As her process will ebb and flow, you will have to find ways to be able to stay present to her during the changing tides. This will involve you staying open to recognize when you are at the edge of your emotional tolerance. In those instances, it will be essential for you to take time for self-care.

When you are feeling emotionally balanced and centered, it’s a good time for you to reflect on and determine what sort of self-care you need to sustain yourself and be a loving presence in her life. Consider scheduling in time where you can take care of yourself physically (perhaps some form of exercise or yoga), mentally and emotionally (consider meditation, individual counseling, or hanging out with friends), and spiritually (such as spending time in nature, seeking spiritual communities, or prayer and contemplation).

Your self-care will be in service of you being a cornerstone for her. She likely needs you to accompany her as she feels her grief, and you will need to have those activities and practices available so you can release whatever emotions come up in you and empty your vessel so you can remain buoyant for yourself and for her. It also may take some pressure off you if you can recognize that you do not have to—nor is it your job to—fix or change anything about what she is feeling. Instead, as best as you can, your job is to be a non-judgmental observer who is bearing witness to her process. This is an advanced skill, and you will have to determine if you have this skill set and the ability to tolerate whatever intense emotions may come up for you as you hold loving space for her.

Challenging emotions can throw us off balance. If you notice that you get dysregulated while trying to hold space for her, there are a few essential skills that you can utilize on the spot to get centered. These include deep breathing and seeing that you are standing or sitting like a mountain.

Related: How to Balance Your Consciousness

A simple way to learn deep breathing is to lay down in a comfortable position, or you can also do this sitting. You can place one hand on your belly and the other on your upper chest. (It doesn’t matter which hand goes where.) Do your best to focus on breathing in through the nose and getting the breath way down into the belly so that you can feel the belly rise and expand with your inhale. The hand on your belly will move, while the hand on your chest will remain more still. After the breath in is full and complete, let out a long and slow exhale through your mouth. You can even purse your lips while you exhale. Again, keep the hand on the upper chest completely still. Focus on not being forceful with the exhale while also completely emptying out the lungs with the breath. Repeat this style of breathing for as many cycles as necessary and notice how this type of breathing supports an overall sense of relaxation. If you’d like, there are plenty of resources online to give you more in-depth instructions on this type of breathing.

The other practice is the seated or standing mountain pose. A simple way to practice these would be to notice how you are sitting or standing, and see if there is a way to add more stability and sense of grounding to your posture. Try this: Stand up in any position and notice how you feel. This is your baseline measure. Next, establish yourself in a comfortable and stable standing posture. To do this, you may adjust the distance between your feet so your feet are either together or hip-width distance apart. Connect to your breathing, close your eyes, and bring your awareness to your feet. Really feel your feet firmly rooted into the ground. Breathe up through your body and notice if you can stay grounded down while also breathing up more length through your spine and allowing your shoulders to relax down your back. Observe some beautiful space open around your heart, let your chin be about parallel to the earth, and feel a gentle sense of life up from the crown of your head. Allow your jaw and tongue to be relaxed.

As you stand here, practice deep breathing and visualize the most powerful mountain you have ever seen. Imagine that you can bring all the strength and stability of that mountain into your own body. Take a few moments here, breathing in and out, and allow these mountain qualities to imprint upon your body and psyche. When you are ready, release the practice and know that you can evoke this breathing and this mountain at any time when you need rootedness and stability to be the loving presence you need for yourself and for your partner. (For a more extensive version of a mountain meditation, you can refer to Jon Kabat-Zinn’s book, Wherever You Go, There You Are.)

Thank you for writing in with this question that has such a wide and likely universal application for all of us. I wish you and your partner healing along this journey.

Many blessings, 

John  

The post Helping a Loved One Navigate the Loss of a Parent appeared first on Sonima.

As a longtime avid runner, I have found that when I take more time off, take it easier on long runs, and do less speed work, I am able to run more consistently. When I first adopted this more balanced approach, I transformed my experience with a sport I had practiced for more than 25 years. Not only did I save time and get better results, but also I decreased my chances of burning out, getting hurt, and dreading doing the recreational activity that I love most. Before you fill up your calendar with your favorite fitness classes this year, consider these six ways to achieve more by doing less. You’ll see for yourself how it leads to surprising physical and mental results throughout the whole year.

1. Switch your high-intensity exercise for low-intensity.

These days, most workouts include high-intensity moves, like box jumps or sprints—exercises that push your body to the max. And while they do work for some people, especially those who can keep a consistent HIIT routine, it’s not the smartest choice for everyone. A better way to go: low-intensity training interval training, or LIIT, a method that’s meant to make exercising more enjoyable and, therefore, easier to stick to.

LIIT involves performing the minimum effective dose for exercise, so you still see results without diminishing returns. For example, let’s take a look at box jumps. Postural alignment specialist Brian Bradley, vice president of Egoscue, says that in HIIT, people often do 20 in a row until they get really tired and often end up moving in a dysfunctional manner afterward. In LIIT, you’d do fewer (say five) box jumps, focusing on proper form through each one. Then, you would move on to doing mobility exercises to teach your body how to work more efficiently. “It will clear up imbalances and help re-establish functional movement patterns stemming from your hips and pelvis,” Bradley says.

The goal for a LIIT workout is to end it feeling energized, happy and like you executed new moves with good form. It’s a workout you can do every day, and one that will provide results without making you feel exhausted.

“[LIIT] creates an increased metabolic demand by removing you from the repetitive motion of your environment. This not only increases your basic metabolic rate, it can lead you to feel different emotions about exercise,” says posture and alignment expert Pete Egoscue. “You stop criticizing yourself and thinking that you’re ‘lazy’ or ‘out of shape,’ or that you ‘can’t do it.’ Instead, you see that you can do it, and wind up wanting to do it again because it was fun.”

2. Carve a stronger core 10 seconds at a time.

Holding a plank position (a straight-body press-up position with your weight on your forearms and toes) for as many minutes as possible may feel productive, but fails to build any substantive strength, says strength trainer Pavel Tsatsouline, author of Hardstyle Abs. “To express max strength, one must learn to maximally contract all the muscles at once and hold nothing back,” says Tsatsouline. In plank pose, this means squeezing the abs and glutes as tightly as possible. You know you’re doing it right when you fatigue after 10 seconds. Take a short rest, then complete two more sets for a total of 30 seconds at max effort.

Related: The 8-Minute Strength Workout Series

3. Slow down to get faster.

To get faster you have to train faster, right? Wrong. Runners and other endurance sports enthusiasts, such as swimmers and cyclists, are notorious for pushing themselves too hard too soon. But the truth is, they would get faster if they actually went slower in training.

To run faster, for example, most of your mileage should be at a very slow (easy) pace for weeks or months before adding any fast workouts. This approach builds aerobic efficiency, which conditions your body to use fat as fuel more efficiently and boosts the body’s ability to use oxygen to make energy. This is known as movement “economy.”

“Getting faster is most easily accomplished with better movement economy,” says Phil Maffetone, chiropractor, coach, and best-selling author of The Endurance Handbook. “As training progresses, the goal is to go faster at the same heart rate, which demonstrates improved economy.”

4. Take more frequent rest days to build fitness faster.

When at rest, such as during light activity and sleep, your inner body is hard at work, repairing muscles, strengthening bones and joints, and rebalancing the hormones that control inflammation and other biological responses to the stress of exercise. These are the processes by which you build fitness.

Too little rest and recovery severely compromises your fitness, no matter how hard you work out. Signs you are under-recovered include lingering fatigue, feeling stale, bored, and unmotivated to exercise. These slumps can be avoided by planning more frequent rest days into your routine. “Consecutive days of rest or of lighter activity allow restoration and rejuvenation following a buildup of higher-effort days,” says Matt Dixon, author of The Well-Built Triathlete. This way, you achieve better results from your key workouts or “higher-effort days” because you’re refreshed and recovered.

Related: The 8-Minute Weight-Loss Workout Series

5. Relax to exert more power, speed, and endurance.

Have you ever had that feeling of complete effortlessness and focus? Known as the “flow state” or the “peak experience,” it typically occurs when you strike the right balance between effort, relaxation, control, confidence, and skill. You can’t force or make flow happen. It occurs naturally when you’re fully engaged with an activity that is challenging yet you’re confident you can achieve. Flow may occur in any sport or activity, and presents the opportunity to perform to your fullest potential with relatively little effort. Achieving the flow state requires, however, that you to detach yourself from a specific outcome and simply trust in your ability to meet the challenge.

“The important thing is to enjoy the activity for its own sake, and to know that what matters is not the result, but the control one is acquiring over one’s attention,” says Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, the author of Finding Flow: The Psychology of Engagement with Everyday Life.

6. Set fewer goals to create better fitness outcomes.

When you work out really hard but are not getting the desired results, the problem may not be a lack of effort, but rather, a lack of focus. The body has a limited capacity for adaptation, meaning that it can build strength or speed, but not both at the same time. Nor can it build endurance to run a marathon while losing weight on a low-carb diet. Pursing multiple fitness goals at the same time is often counter-productive. When the body isn’t given the opportunity to adapt to one kind of stress before it’s exposed to another, fatigue and injury are the more likely outcomes.

Segment your fitness routine over periods of weeks or months, each with a different emphasis, such as developing an aerobic base before adding strength training. Later, replace the strength workouts with speed-oriented workouts for a few weeks. This way, each period develops a different fitness aspect and keeps your routine varied and stimulating.

The post The Case for Exercising Less to Get the Results You Want appeared first on Sonima.

Nothing, as it turns out. While it is true that visualization is a powerful tool proven to help you achieve more, perform better, and get physically stronger even if you aren’t actually lifting a thing, learning how to do it is harder than most people admit. In fact, experts say that all of those articles advising you to “picture yourself” succeeding are really telling you to jump into the deep end of the pool.

“When I ask about visualization, a lot of people will say, ‘No, I’ve tried, but I can’t really see anything. I don’t understand it,” says Brent Walker, Ph.D., associate athletic director of championship performance at Columbia University in New York and former president of the Association for Applied Sport Psychology. “That’s why I rarely would ask a person on day one to visualize themselves doing something. A lot of people who haven’t visualized before will struggle to do that.”

Walker’s job puts him in contact with a lot of first-timers. He works directly with the school’s many student-athletes, most of whom will not have had access to a sports psychologist, like him, when they were in high school. But by the time they graduate from Columbia, Walker says they learn to use visualization before any type of performance—whether that’s on the field, in the weight room, or in a classroom.

The key to learning how to visualize, Walker says, is to start somewhere familiar—somewhere you feel right at home. From there you can use repetition to help strengthen your abilities. Take a page from Walker’s playbook and try these techniques to build your own visualization practice.

The Most Beginner-Friendly Visualization Ever

“For a lot of new students, where I start is to ask them to simply picture their bedroom at home,” Walker says. “It’s so familiar that virtually anyone can do it.”

Try it yourself and see. (No pun intended.) Most likely you’ll find that the image of your room comes to you easily. As it does, notice whether you are seeing it through your own eyes, or if it’s like watching a movie and you are a character on screen. Neither is right or wrong. It’s just about noticing and understanding your perspective.

If you find that you are still coming up empty while trying to conjure up images of your room, don’t worry. Walker has another technique you can try. “If a person were to struggle with [the bedroom visualization], I have them to watch a short video clip,” Walker says. “When it’s over, I’ll just ask them to close their eyes and try to re-create components of the video clip.”

How to Deepen Your Visualization Practice

After you get the hang of using your mind to build pictures of familiar places, it’s time for some action. “The next step is to complete a task and then re-create it in the mind immediately after,” Walker says. “For instance, if an athlete had just completed their max bench press, we’d have them imagine it again in their mind—what it felt like, what they did during the lift.”

Walker calls this “post-visualization,” and it’s meant to reinforce what success feels like. “After I do a skill very well, I stop, take a moment, and try to take it with me,” Walker says. “I take that positive feeling and just keep replaying that all week.”

Related: The Surprising Ways Mindfulness Can Improve Strength Training

You can take things a step further with the help of your smartphone. Shoot video of yourself performing an action. When you capture footage of yourself really doing it well—whether it’s sinking the perfect shot or gracefully executing a yoga pose—watch that video over and over. After each viewing, try and re-create those images in your mind. You’re essentially using the video as a blueprint for your visualization. Walker suggests repeat the process until those pictures become engrained.

Once you can call up those images in your mind effortlessly, you can use them to help you perform just as well—or even better—the next time you go to perform the task. “I recommend seeing yourself perform each skill immediately prior to doing it,” Walker says. “This is like priming the pump, seeing it and getting your mind ready to experience it.”

This visualization technique—and the video you build around—can also be very helpful during times when you might struggle. “A lot of times when we lose confidence, it’s because we’ve lost the picture of what it’s like to succeed. So if you have that video to refresh your memory, that’s pretty powerful,” Walker says.

Other Tips to Help You See Success

Walker says there’s no true right or wrong way to do visualization. Your goal should be just to make the pictures as clear as you can in your own mind. Which means…

1. You don’t have to close your eyes.

While some people like to close their eyes and let their brain take over, it’s by no means a requirement. You just need to imagine the feel of performing the activity.

2. You can even move around while you visualize.

Walker says that it’s sometimes more powerful for an athlete to mime the actions they will take during a task. He offers the example of someone shooting a free throw. The person could go to a court, stand on the line, and even perform the actual arm motion and leg motion without a ball. “There’s at least one study showing you have better outcomes when you have an athlete go through the motions while visualizing it.”

3. Relax before you put your mind to work.

Walker begins his visualization practice with a relaxation practice that helps put body and mind at ease. You could choose to do a simple breathing meditation (like this one), or just take a few longer, deeper breaths, letting go of any tension before you start.

4. Don’t just think about success.

Think about the situation. “If you ask 90 to 95 percent of people what they do when they visualize, they’ll say “Oh, I imagine myself succeeding,” Walker says. “But I think there’s a limitation to that because the things that could prevent you from succeeding are still going to show up on game day.” So rather than focusing just on winning, Walker teaches people to picture themselves staying composed in an adverse situation. For an athlete, it might be a large and unruly crowd shouting insults as they need to sink a shot. For a mom, it could be a stranger throwing shade while her kid has a meltdown in a store. Whatever the situation, envision yourself staying relaxed, composed, and ready to do what you want to do. “By picturing the issues—and seeing yourself handle them with grace—you won’t be surprised when a problem actually does arise, and you have to handle it,” Walker says.

5. To strengthen your visualization, practice often.

Walker suggests doing it “as much as possible,” including during the times when you’re actually performing the tasks. A golfer could visualize every shot before they hit it, or a pitcher could see the pitch in their mind before they throw it. When the action goes well, replay it in your mind to reinforce the feeling of doing it. “Visualization works because your mind doesn’t know the difference between what’s real and what’s imagined,” Walker says. You may find that as you get better at imagining success, it’ll be easier to achieve in real life.

The post Visualization: 5 Steps to Create the Results You Want appeared first on Sonima.

“A health coach works with someone who wants to make a change in their well-being and helps them reach their goals,” says Linda Smith, director of educational programs at Duke Integrative Medicine. That sounds broad and vague, but research  (like this April study published in The American Journal of Managed Care , and this May study published in Clinical Pediatrics ) has found that health coaches can help patients with a variety of issues, including sticking to their new nutrition, exercise, and weight-loss plans, and also managing chronic conditions.

With doctors spending less time with patients (about 9 to 16 minutes per appointment, says a 2015 survey)  and Google becoming a go-to source for medical information , it’s not surprising that health coaches are on the rise. It’s ranked number 13 in a list of 20 in the annual “Worldwide Survey of Fitness Trends” (more than 2,800 health and fitness professionals around the globe weighed in) published in ACSM’S Health & Fitness Journal  last December.

Just because something works for a lot of people doesn’t mean it’s right for you. Smith says some people may benefit from health coaches more than others. “They can help people who have tried and failed and tried and failed, those who don’t know where to get started, or anyone who’s so busy, they don’t know how to fit their goal in,” she explains. If you’re thinking, “That’s me!” it’s important to know what health coaches can’t do for you, too. They cannot prescribe medication or put you on a diet. They primarily help with lifestyle changes. That means for any medical conditions (diabetes, cancer, etc.), you still need to see a doctor. If your primary care says that it would help to get something like stress or your weight under control, then you may want to see a health coach to aid your work on those things.

Related: The #1 Reason We Fail to Meet Our Goals 

 “Seventy percent or more of chronic disease is based in our lifestyle, and nutrition, fitness, and stress management are probably the top three factors,” Smith says. “We know we are not going to cure heart disease, diabetes, obesity, and other diseases with education alone. Health coaches are the piece of this puzzle that’s about engagement and planning for success so that people can make a change.”

Another difference between doctors and health coaches is how much time they spend with you. “With a doctor, it’s 15 minutes in and out, and you address one specific problem,” says Jennifer Cassetta , a certified health coach from the Institute for Integrative Nutrition (IIN). “A health coach will dig more into your life. They may say, ‘I’ve noticed you spend 80 hours a week working, sleep five hours a night, have your phone by the bed, feed yourself for comfort, and aren’t happy because you’re not in a relationship.’ Then they try to connect the dots and identify the underlying causes and problems.”

In addition to diving deep into your lifestyle, during your initial consultation (which generally lasts about an hour), a health coach will ask questions to see if now is the right time for you to work on your goals. A few sample questions: “What barriers are in the way? How confident are you in making a change right now? What’s important to you in health and well being?” Most will give you the option of meeting in person or via phone or Skype, which have been shown to be just as effective . You’ll typically meet every two weeks for anywhere from 20 minutes to an hour. “Two weeks is long enough for someone to put in place what we agreed to and gain experience and learn. Then we can build on that,” Smith says.

Most health coaches will ask you to commit to working together for three to six months total. “That’s enough time for a client to make some changes and work toward a goal that’s significant to them. Then we can see: Is this something they want to continue? Or did they just need help getting started?” Smith says. Based on that answer, some people work with a coach for years, making one change after the next. “It’s a support system that’s strengthening for them,” Smith says. Others say “thank you” and move on now that their new healthy habit is an established part of their life.

 Related: I’m Unhappy But Afraid to Make a Change

If you decide to seek out a health coach, you want to be sure to pick the best one for your needs—as you would with any health professional. First, know that there’s currently no national certifying program for health coaches. Although the National Consortium for Credentialing Health and Wellness Coaches and the National Board of Medical Examiners recently signed an agreement to launch a national certification , this may not be in effect until the fall of 2017. What that means is that anyone can call themself a health coach right now, unfortunately, which is probably why some people may be dubious of the job and its effectiveness.

Before you meet a health coach for a consultation, consider asking them the following questions to gauge their skill-level and overall experience in this relatively new field:

*Where did you get your training? (A list of reputable organizations can be found here.)

*How long was that training?

*For how long have you been coaching?

*Do you have any references I could speak to?

*Describe your coaching philosophy. 

Also, review their website and see if they have any other credentials, such as certifications in personal training or nutrition (i.e., registered dietitian). And be mindful if a health coach seems to be pressuring you to go on a specific diet or make any other lifestyle changes that don’t seem right for you.

“Some people call themselves health coaches, but maybe they have a certain dietary preference that they think is most healing—yet they don’t have any education to dispense that information,” Smith says. “A coach should always understand what’s going on for their client and make the best recommendations on their behalf.” That means you should feel respected and heard. “Ask yourself, ‘Am I being listened to? Am I setting goals that are important to me?’” Smith says. “I want my clients to say ‘I did it’ so they are learning how to be their own best coach as they are being coached. I don’t want them look back and think, ‘I’m lost without you.’”

Since there is no national health coach certification, most health insurance companies do not cover the costs of working with a health coach. The IIN initiated a Change.org petition  to include health coaching as an allowable pre-tax expense in the Health Savings Acts, but for now, talk to your insurance provider. Some will offer health coaches, but check them out to be sure they are qualified. If you decide to pay out of pocket, prices vary widely, from about $50 to $200 per session, says Cassetta, who adds that you should expect to pay more for a more-experienced coach.

The post Do You Need a Health Coach? appeared first on Sonima.

She moves about the room pronouncing Jay-Z lyrics with gusto, and calls out individual riders with verve—moving them to work harder, and give more. The feeling post-Nichelle is more than a typical exercise-induced euphoria; it’s also one of communal excitement. Hines toes the line between warm and intense in her pedagogical style, undoubtedly polished by her refined acting technique from her early years at graduate school at NYU. A young talent, Hines continues to act today, honing her art, but not placing too much weight on what she considers a craft that’s never been the perfect fit for her path.

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Here, the charismatic powerhouse shares some details about her personal journey, practice, rituals, and her feelings on the power of gratitude.

I know that you went to Catholic school growing up. How did that study shape your life and beliefs?

I’m not a Catholic now, and I wasn’t really a Catholic growing up, but I have very fond recollections of the rituals of Catholicism. I have a lot of respect for the religion, culture, and its rich and interesting history. As I’ve gotten older I’ve come to understand what’s really going on in the politics of the religion—and it’s pretty scary and intense—but I think the ritual was really good for me as a child who was wild and loud. It gave me structure and discipline, and at the time, I saw the innocent side of it.

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As a result, I gained respect for every religion. I feel like we’re all talking about the same thing, we just go about it in different ways. I always have considered myself to be more spiritual than anything else. Because I didn’t grow up with too much pressure, I was able to gain a healthy respect for whatever path someone chooses.

When you say that you consider yourself spiritual, what exactly do you mean? How does that manifest in your day-to-day life?

I end every single class I teach with a spiritual thought. I focus on trying to be as fully present as I can. Trying to take time to meditate, because I have a wild brain, as I like to say. I try. I would not consider myself a gold star meditator, but I would consider myself an “A for effort” meditator. I do try a lot. I try to try every single day. I have moments were I feel like I can’t—that’s when you have to the most.

So when I say I consider myself spiritual, I mean that I try to attack every situation from a perspective of empathy. I think that’s spiritual. For me spirituality is trying to be as connected as possible to other people in the room I’m in, and sensitive to their energy, so that I can respond accordingly while fully being myself and present.

How did you start meditating, and do you practice one particular kind?

I don’t do a type. When I was in acting school we had a teacher who’d often get asked what type of acting he taught. He’d say, “I just try to teach people how to be.” For me with meditation I just try to shut up. Sometimes I use tapes and words. I really like the Oprah- Deepak combo where they have different intentions. Sometimes I need words. Other times I just try and sit there and shut off my brain. I’ve got a mantra, a meditation teacher, and I resonate with sounds. A lot of times for me, I just sit down and picture everything in my life simply floating away. The sound helps for me a lot. Or I’ll pick a word and sort of inhale and exhale that word. So it’s whatever I need in that moment.

And no matter what, I have a gratitude practice. Think of five things you’re grateful for, and everything else just stops.

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When did you start acting?

After graduating from UC Berkeley, I realized I wanted to be an actor. My dad told me which were the best schools for acting, and so I just started by calling up Yale. When they found out I was 21, they told me their average entrance student is 27. I thought, “Well, okay, but you’ve never met me!” But at the time, I thought they were so ageist, that I just didn’t apply. I auditioned for NYU and ACT. It’s 2,000 people auditioning for 16 spots. A lot of times in my life, things would happen to me because I’ve been too stupid to be afraid, as I like to say. I just jump. I was lucky enough to get in to NYU. We were in school for 16 hours a day, six days a week for three years. It was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Related: How Yoga and Meditation Helped Me Manage Anxiety

When you were in acting school, did you have a fitness or meditation practice?

Though I grew up athletic and healthy, I actually had gained a ton of weight in college, and when I started acting school I was about 200 pounds. And at the time, I was so busy, I didn’t have time to do anything about it. It sort of all turned around I got cast in a role where I’d have to wear a bikini on stage. That’s when I rediscovered fitness again. I lost 40 pounds in four months; it was crazy.

Then, of course, as soon as I was done, I gained 20 pounds back, and then I started finding my niche and I just fell in love with it again. I’m so naturally competitive and goal-oriented that at first it was really hard for me to take the pressure off of fitness. I still work to let that go, and just enjoy. It’s for my spirit, not for winning.

So how did you become a fitness instructor?

A complete and total accident! Once I moved to LA, I was exercising at Crunch Gym. After about four years of being a regular there, I was in class one day, waiting for it to start and the manager of the gym ran in ran up to me and said, “Nichelle, Todd’s not here, can you teach this class right now?” I said, “What?! I’m just a student.” He looked at me and said, “Nichelle, I need someone to teach the class.” That’s how I became a fitness instructor.

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Wow! Were you scared?

Yet again, too stupid to be scared! I just jumped in. It fit like a glove. I was longing for something a little more interactive. I was working as an actress, but I wasn’t cast as the lead in anything, and so I always felt like my energy was being wasted a little bit.

The whole film and TV thing, to me, felt like, “Hurry up and wait.” I just felt like I had more to give than a few lines on this show, or a tiny little arc on this show. It wasn’t even about wanting to be the lead or anything, it just didn’t fulfill me. I still love acting very much, but now I know it’s not the only thing for me.

In life, opportunities arise and you either say yes or you say no. Then whatever happens, happens. So I just said yes. It completely changed my life for the better. I felt better. That’s when I started meditating, when I started doing all the things that made me feel more myself than ever before. And now, my job involves watching people change and get stronger, and get better…how great is that! That you can be a part of someone’s evolution and just be that helping hand. Especially in a town like LA, people need that.

When you’re teaching, what’s happening in your mind and in your body? You are clearly channeling something really profound. What’s happening for you? How does it inspire you?

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Oh my God, it fills me up. It’s a delicate balance because there’s so much energy coming and going. For me it’s so focused on the class, and every class is so different. I change songs in the middle of class. That doesn’t work, they need this. I feel like that’s sort of my meditation practice coming into action. I’m fully present so I can help my class be too.

And there are 8,000 things going on and nothing at the same time. It’s really a very cool feeling. Once you’re really comfortable with the physical aspect and what needs to be done, that becomes background noise. It feels like a drum circle of sorts. We all vibe off each other! Weird things happen! Curve balls constantly.

It’s such an experience. I get to meditate every single day, in there, with all these people. There’s such transference of energy, and in order for that to happen, I have to give up all expectation, and empty out my thoughts. I’m simply there.

Do you have a mentor or a teacher?

I don’t, not in the typical sense. I think the great thing my parents just sort of let me be. They realized very early on, I was a little different. They were okay with that. They’re business people from San Francisco, but when I wanted to go acting school they said, “Okay. Figure out how to pay for it.” It was never a “no.” They let me explore, and that was really cool. They were supportive of me when I went to school. I think there’s something to be said for really just letting people do what they need to do for them, whether or not it’s necessarily the right thing.

In acting school, my teacher was the great Ron Van Lieu. He taught us to strip all the other stuff away. Like I said, it wasn’t a type of acting, it was just peel everything else away and then see what’s left. What’s real. Learn how to be authentic. What I did have growing up was a lot of fear of being me. I was always afraid I was too much, or too loud, or too large, or too black, or too this. I knew that the kind of energy that I posses can overwhelm people, then I realized I just had to find the right people. We all do.

Have you had any breakthrough moments in your teaching, any “ah-ha” moments, or something’s shifted over time?

When I first started teaching, I just taught by the numbers. Then, at a certain point, I realized that I could feel people’s energy. I knew when to push them. To tell them they could go faster. Actually saying something and calling my students to the carpet on it was a huge breakthrough.

It was hard at first because people are sensitive. No matter what you do, people are going to be offended or not be offended. As a teacher I try to be sensitive, but I also push the boundary. It’s about me saying, “I see potential in you, and we’re going to work on that.”

And then the breakthrough became: If they’re not into what I have to offer, that’s okay, they can go to another teacher. They can go somewhere else but what they’re going to get from me is challenge. And that’s the joy of it all.

It’s not up to me to decide whether or not they can handle it, it’s up to me to simply deliver the message. My intention is never to hurt feelings. It’s always just to tell to tell my students, “This is what I see, and this is a perspective of someone who cares.” What happens in this room is sacred to me. It’s important to me. It’s not going be just another workout.

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If somebody only had five minutes a day to do something for wellness, for health, for fitness, for meditation, anything, what would the first thing be?

Take five deep breaths, and get centered. Before you do anything, especially if you only have five minutes. Don’t worry about trying so hard all the time, just worry about how you really feel. Work on your stability before you do anything else. If you’re here and you’re grounded and you’re present, life won’t pass you by.

Photos by Chloe Crespi

The post Ritual Inspiration: Nichelle Hines appeared first on Sonima.

A: As winter comes to a close, we are all ready for spring. Awaiting the seasonal shift can sometimes ignite seasonal moods that can make us feel a bit blue. Here are some ways that you can enhance your natural state and boost your mood.

1. Diet

It’s important to try to keep your blood sugar stable. Emotional highs and lows can be initiated from a diet high in simple sugars that elevates our mood, only to end in a low state. Don’t go for 10 hours and realize you are starving and eat three meals in one sitting. If your blood sugar is stable, mentally you will feel more stable. If certain foods make you feel uncomfortable because they lead to bloating, gas, or indigestion, avoid them. Leafy green vegetables are particularly filled with nutrients that can impact our mood—potassium, magnesium, and a host of trace minerals. These vitamins and minerals provide additional energy that sustains us rather than carb-heavy foods that can trigger the blood-sugar blues.

2. Exercise

Almost anything will do! Just get out there! As long as you are moving, you are going to lift your spirits. You don’t have to run a marathon in order to exercise and take good care of your body. If you do something every day, like a 20-minute walk, that will impact your mood more than you can imagine. You may also want to incorporate interval training into your routine. Exert yourself intensely for 30 seconds and rest for a minute. For example, run or bicycle hard for 30 seconds and then walk for a minute and do it again. Do this over the course of 25 minutes and you will notice a change in your muscles as well as your mind.

3. Meditation

The effects of meditation can be profound. Studies have revealed that meditators often experience reduced stress and deeper resilience. Time is often cited as a barrier to regular practice, but even just a few minutes a day can have an impact. A great way to start is to just focus on the breath. Sit in a comfortable spot with the spine straight. Gently close your eyes and place one hand on the heart and one on your belly. Observe your inhales and exhales as you breathe naturally.

Related: Can Others’ Bad Vibes Affect Your Practice?

4. Rest

When stressed, we tend not to sleep as well. Studies have found that sleep can be dramatically altered when we are stressed and vice versa.  It is incredibly important to get a good night’s sleep so be sure and carve out the time to unwind and allow yourself the opportunity for self-care. Try a warm bath before bed, a bit of lavender aromatherapy, or quiet time for reading with no blue screens (phones, iPads, TVs, etc.) Whatever you do, you must take care of you. By practicing this awareness, you will build your sense of self and that will naturally bolster your mood.

Of course, as always when it comes to your health, please consult with a professional. If you are experiencing what you think could be mood disorder, you can talk to a counselor, psychologist, or psychiatrist.

Do you have a question you’d like to ask Sonima’s experts? Submit it here for a chance to be featured in a future post.

The post 4 Ways to Boost Your Mood Naturally appeared first on Sonima.

Related: 4 Things That Affect Weight That Have Little to Do with Food

It all started about a decade ago when Chaudhary’s migraine headaches had worsened around the time she took on her own medical practice in San Diego. She quickly learned that taking prescription medication to solve one problem led to many others, including weight gain, terrible neck pain, exhaustion, and grogginess. While looking for an alternative solution to her ailments, she turned to Ayurvedic medicine—a 3,000-year-old healthcare system that originated from Chaudhary’s native India—and began combining its ancient practices with her knowledge of Western medicine to stop bandaging her symptoms (as well as those of her patients) and fix them through changes to her diet and lifestyle. In the process, she discovered that when the body is in a toxic inflammatory state, it tends to hold onto excess weight.

“What we are finding is that it’s not just the number of calories that you eat that result in weight gain and disease, such as diabetes. It’s the number of toxic calories that you eat from highly processed foods with unnatural ingredients, like artificial sugars. These foods trigger food addictions and reactions in the body that make weight gain and disease more likely,” Chaudhary says. “In other words, artificial foods are ‘talking’ to your body in a way that causes a disruption in the normal messages sent to your endocrine organs that tell the body to add more fat. Part of the ‘toxic inflammatory state’ that I describe [in my book] involves this hormonal disruption.”

Gut health is another central aspect of Chaudhary’s program. “When undigested particles leave the gut prematurely due to gut permeability (leaky gut) and enter the blood stream, the immune system reacts by sending antibodies to these particles that can also cross react with our own organs,” she says. “A disruption in the gut flora favoring more of the ‘bad’ bacteria further aggravates the problem.” All of these connections inspired Chaudhary to devise a unique program to reduce inflammation and toxin load in patients while simultaneously treating their neurological problems. As a result of adopting this plan, patients saw an unexpected side effect of spontaneous, and sometimes dramatic, weight loss.

So is The Prime a diet or a detox? Chaudhary says it’s neither. The plan is not just about eliminating this or cleansing that. It’s about correcting the biochemical processes impeding your body from maintaining a healthy, disease-free equilibrium. Here are six takeaways from the program that may help you curb cravings, amp up your energy, and rejuvenate your body through healthy weight loss.

1. Realize weight loss takes more than willpower.

When most people talk about weight loss, they tend to make it about having the willpower to avoid bad foods. When this willpower fails—as it almost always does—you may feel defeated for not having the mental strength to achieve your goals. “It’s awful when you have that hopelessness,” Chaudhary told us in a recent interview. She recommends looking at it from another angle.

“[Making it a] willpower issue is not appreciating the sophistication of the biochemistry,” she says. “Being overweight is a biochemical issue, not a personality flaw…There’s only one way to fight biochemistry: with biochemistry,” she writes. In other words, it’s about biology and not your ability—or lack thereof—to pass up office birthday cake. Once you understand this, you can start to reallocate energy spent on being self-critical to making positive changes that lead to real results.

Related: A Science-Backed Strategy to Develop Incredible Self-Control

2. To transform your body, start by training your brain.

Stop dieting backwards. What Chaudhary means by this is that it’s important for you to understand that you are fighting an uphill battle against neuroadaptation. “Neuroadaption is the brain’s amazing ability to adapt to whatever you do to your body. Eat a lot of sugar? Your brain adapts, finding a new equilibrium that makes allowances for sugar. Drink a lot of coffee? Your brain adapts,” she writes. “We are at war with the brain—we want one thing (to feel good) and the brain wants something completely different (to create a stable environment so it can function).”

So how do you overcome this? Start by slowly easing your brain out of this adaptive state that you’ve inadvertently created for yourself. One way to do this is to block neuroadaptation with an Ayurvedic herb called ashwagandha (400 to 500 milligrams per day), which Chaudhary calls one of the most powerful tools for calming the brain, and ultimately, your cravings.

A 2011 report published in the African Journal of Traditional, Complementary and Alternative Medicines echoes Chaudhary’s praises, confirming that ashwagandha is an effective regenerative tonic that offers anti-stress, neuroprotective, and anti-inflammatory properties, which can help combat diseases like Parkinson, dementia, memory loss, stress-induced diseases, and more. In another 2012 study published in the Journal of Ayurveda and Integrative Medicine, researchers found that volunteers taking the plant medicine in capsule form for a month saw a decrease in fat percentage and increase in lean body weight although there were no significant changes in their total body weight and BMI.

3. Eat more anti-inflammatory foods.

First thing in the morning, perhaps while brewing your coffee or stirring your oatmeal, combine a half teaspoon of cumin, coriander, and fennel seeds in four to five cups of water. Boil for 5 to 10 minutes, then strain the seeds, pour into a thermos and sip hot throughout the day. This pleasant-tasting recipe for Prime Tea, as Chaudhary refers to it, is just one of her several simple additions to your daily diet (others include homemade recipes for Prime Juices, Prime Broth, Prime Curry Powder, and more). The goal is to improve digestion and reduce inflammation with these blends.

4. Change your relationship to sugar.

Americans are eating more sugar now than ever. “The average person eats 152.4 pounds of sugar and other sweeteners, ” reports Chaudhary from USDA stats that compare eating habits from today to 30 years ago. The problem with this is that studies have linked this boost in sugar consumption with an increased risk of cardiovascular disease and mortality. The answer isn’t to eliminate sugar altogether, but rather to change your relationship to it.

To reign in your sweet tooth, Chaudhary recommends the herbs ashwagandha as well as brahmi, a popular herb in India that is sold in capsule form in the U.S. Chaudhary refers to brahmi as a “brain tonic” because of its beneficial effects on cognitive function and specifically how it regulates overloaded and exhausted pleasure circuits. “When you put those two [supplements] together, they’re really fighting the underlying neurochemical process of addiction,” she says. Their goal is to try to change the conversation between your brain and your gut, which gets confused by bad gut bacteria that begs for your food addictions that release the neurotransmitters needed for its own survival. “Once you wipe a lot of the bad bacteria and the yeast in your gut—because your addictions are driven in part just by the chemicals they release—it feels miraculous,” she writes.

Related: Change Your Mind, Change Your Body?

5. Meditate.

Chaudhary has been practicing meditation since she was a kid thanks to her progressive parents. She includes this practice in her plan to help people deal with difficult emotions, including mood swings and feelings that may surface during this process.

“We actually carry cellular debris from emotional trauma. What I found is, on this plan, all of this emotional trauma and emotional memories were coming up. That’s when patients were most tempted to sabotage the process by eating foods that were toxic, basically to block the whole process from occurring,” Chaudhary explains. This is where meditation could help you cope with the discomfort.

“Meditation is a way of detoxing the brain, detoxing those emotions, and preventing people from self-sabotaging, in addition to a slew of neurological benefits,” she says. “When something hurts, we look for ways of relief, but the mechanisms that we know of relief, unfortunately, oftentimes involve food addictions or other addictions. Meditation is a way out.”

6. Take your time—you’re in it for the long haul.

Chaudhary is the first to admit that she moved through the four phases of her plan at a very slow pace. “When I got headache-free, I had only done a small fraction of this. It took a couple of years to really embrace everything. I would not have been able to do this plan quickly. I did it over time, and when I got to the end of it, I was exactly where I wanted to be,” she says. Basically, there’s no rush. This is not a quick fix, but a long-term goal to get your body back to working in “prime” condition.

The post 6 Non-Diet Strategies for Healthy Weight Loss appeared first on Sonima.