Don’t let the harried nature of the holidays rob you of this vital time for yourself. Here are seven things you can do to ensure you maintain your practice and find some much-needed centering during the hustle and merriment of the season. Most important, do your best to relax and enjoy these special moments and to make memories with your friends and family. The yoga practice is a technique to help us feel more deeply interconnected with everything around us. This time of year can be viewed as a particularly interesting test for our ability to take our practice off the sticky mat or meditation cushion and share its benefits and positive effects with those around us.

1. Make an appointment with yourself

It is so important to set aside a special time for your yoga practice and guard this time as you would any appointment. If you know that you have a particularly busy day ahead, get up 1 hour before the rest of your family to honor your commitment to yourself. If you practice first thing in the morning, it can be helpful to clear the space where you will practice and set out your yoga mat the night before so that, as soon as you wake up, you can begin. On the other hand, if it’s better for you to get your sleep, make an agreement with your family—especially your partner or kids—that this private time is inviolable. Have them help you guard your practice time.

Related: A Brilliant Way to Organize Your Calendar for Less Stress

2. Start and finish your practice with quiet contemplation

The holidays can be a strangely stressful time when you might notice more anxiety, worry, fear, or anger coming up. To help counter this activation of your sympathetic nervous system, it is very helpful to take a few minutes to sit quietly and center yourself before or after your practice. Begin by observing your breath. Then consciously start to lengthen your exhalation. By doing so, you directly stimulate a natural parasympathetic response, which will help increase your feelings of calmness, connection, and compassion. It can be especially nice to include a gratitude or loving kindness meditation to increase this intentional cultivation of thankfulness and good wishes for yourself and others. Or you may wish to set an intention for yourself, your family, or the day ahead. You can do this by chanting a particular mantra, saying a quiet prayer, or reciting Om several times.

3. Set realistic goals and plan ahead

It is helpful to keep a realistic perspective about how much time you have for your practice each day. If you have only 20 minutes, plan a routine that will fit into that time frame. Assess what is most important for you to do in order to make it feel like you are able to maximize this time you have to connect more deeply to yourself. When you have less time, it is important to plan ahead and know which postures you intend to practice. Be sure to move your spine in all of the cardinal directions: forward bending, backward bending, twisting to each side, lateral movement to each side, extension, and compression. Take a few minutes to include conscious breathing or pranayama, relaxation, or a short meditation. Above all, remember that even if it is highly modified, keeping the continuity in your practice will help you to feel mentally and emotionally balanced.

4. Feel the flow

Don’t worry about making the perfect position with your body or doing a “correct” sequence within your practice. Instead, focus on your breath and the subtle sensations in your body. Immerse yourself in the flow of body, breath, and movement together. Let go of any preconceived ideas about what a “good” practice should be, and allow the yoga practice to become whatever it needs to be for you in that moment. Enjoy this experience for what it is and approach it with a sense of playfulness and curiosity. Celebrate the fact that you made time to connect with a deeper aspect of yourself at all during this busy and stressful time of year. Maybe even try something different or new.

Related: How Important is Perfect Form in Fitness?

5. Hydrate and eat well

The holidays tend to be full of rich, sweet, and indulgent foods. Every cell and tissue in your body needs water to work properly, so be sure to remember to hydrate well during these demanding and decadent days and nights. Even mild dehydration can make you feel tired and drain your energy. The body also needs water to rid itself of toxins and waste and to keep your joints lubricated. Also try to avoid drinking too much alcohol, eating big meals late at night, and snacking after your last meal. When you eat late at night, it becomes more difficult to wake up early feeling refreshed. If you know you will be out late with family or friends, plan ahead and move the next day’s yoga practice to a later start time, if possible.

6. Travel with your yoga mat

If you are visiting family or traveling during the holidays, bring your yoga mat. It can be fun to check out a local yoga class or visit a new studio. If you have the space to practice on your own, taking an online yoga class can help keep you focused and motivated. There are several classes with yoga Master R. Sharath Jois on Sonima ranging from a short 10-minute class to a 60-minute class. You can also find free classes on YouTube. Making an effort to connect with other practitioners or a yoga community will help support your practice. Plus, this can be another way to stay committed to setting aside dedicated time for yourself and your practice.

7. Take 5 minutes to breathe

Even 5 minutes of controlled, coherent breathing will go a long way to helping you feel calm, connected, and peaceful during busy or stressful periods. To practice a coherent breathing technique, sit comfortably or lie down. Then lengthen your inhalation to a count of 4 to 6 seconds and extend your exhalation to a count of 6 to 8 seconds. This kind of conscious, controlled breathing can help reduce symptoms of insomnia, anxiety, depression, and other types of agitation caused by excess stress building up in the nervous system. Couple this with some restorative postures like legs up the wall, or lie over a bolster or pillow in reclined bound angle pose. Making this short time to rest and restore while consciously focusing on your breath can drastically change your mental and emotional space for the better.

The post How to Maintain Your Yoga Practice During the Holidays appeared first on Sonima.

This month, you will see new opportunities coming your way from the most unexpected fronts. Your mantra for success will be diplomacy and fairness in everything that you do. In any situation, it is best to not only look at both sides but to also consider others’ viewpoints before yours. Your professional and unbiased approach will garner trust from others, helping you develop new, long-term relationships.

The intensity and passion with which you handle complicated tasks will easily impress even your severe critics. Although every human being is imperfect, now is the time to improve yourself by focusing on things that you have ignored. Everyone has the ability to create something meaningful—do something that can leave a major impact on others’ lives. The cosmic energy guides you through this month with new hope and optimism as you undertake new responsibilities. Challenges that have restricted you from moving forward are a thing of the past, and you approach the New Year with fresh confidence. Embrace it, as new circumstances bring unprecedented possibilities to reach new heights.

Monthly Mantra: “Om Sri Maha Lakshmiyei Namaha”

Pronunciation: Om shree mah-ha laksh-mee-yie nam-ha

Meaning: Salutations to the goddress Lakshmi, the energy of abundance.

SUN SIGN OF THE MONTH

Share

Tweet

Pin

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Sagittarius is the ninth sign of the Zodiac. Its symbol is the archer. Sagittarii are highly original and imaginative with modern outlooks. They know their goals very well and have the capacity to reach those objectives without the help of others. Ruled by Jupiter, those born under this sign are go-getters who are highly independent, energetic, dependable, generous, and focused toward long-term career goals. Jupiter is one of the largest planets of the Zodiac, and much like its sign lord, a Sagittarius can never think and behave small. Ambitious and full of life, Sagittarii desire doing something grand so that generations can remember them forever.

A Sagittarius male is confident, active, and possesses a great sense of humor. He is witty and in a joyful mood most of the time. Having both high tastes and goals, he’s never satisfied with mediocre results. A Sagittarius male loves success and likes to be in high society. He has great confidence in himself and wants to achieve a lot in a very short period of time. He is spiritual and especially curious to know more about the mysteries of life. A Sagittarius male hates to lead a boring life and therefore is always up to something exciting. He’s also always ready to help others and especially goes out of his way to help people who are younger or subordinate.

The strong Sagittarius female goes after all that she desires. Discontent with anything that comes to her, she has a fighting spirit and will struggle and toil until she reaches her destination. Adventurous and daring, she has the stamina to excel in sports. She’s also charming, highly dynamic, and full of innovative ideas. Possessing great inner strength, she doesn’t find it difficult to overcome any life situation. Her intelligence, confidence, and creativity always keep her in the forefront—a good thing, as she’s active socially and easily gains attention. Although very caring to the person she loves, she’s also hostile to those she dislikes.

This month, with sign lord Jupiter transiting through Sagittarius, you will be simple, responsible, trustworthy, creative, and intelligent. Your sharp mind will constantly search for new ideas, but you need to control your tendency to be restless and stubborn at times. The New Moon in your sign leads to many beneficial business partnerships and alliances. You will improve your financial gains through investments and new ventures. Although family responsibilities will escalate and people at home will be more demanding, your loved one will give you his or her time, services, and even financial support, if needed. A real estate transaction toward the month’s end should bring excellent monetary gains.

Lucky Days – Monday
Lucky Dates – 2, 11, 27
Lucky Gemstone – Pearl

Sagittarius Celebrity: Bruce Lee, Tina Turner, Jane Austen, John F. Kennedy, Frank Sinatra, Jane Fonda, Brad Pitt, Miley Cyrus, Jimi Hendrix, Steven Spielberg, Jim Morrison, Jeff Bridges, Winston Churchill

Ruling Planet: Jupiter
Symbol: The archer
Element: Fire
Lucky Color: Yellow
Lucky Stone: Yellow sapphire
Best Professions/Fields: Teaching, law, accounting, finance
Body Parts: Hips, thighs
Good Points: Independent, honest, generous, fearless, broadminded
Bad Points: Aggressive, careless, over-confident, short-tempered
Soul Mates: Aries, Cancer, Leo
Just Say No: Taurus, Capricorn

MONTHLY HOROSCOPE FOR EACH SIGN

Share

Tweet

Pin

Aries (March 21 to April 19)

This December, you will be charming, ambitious, talented, helpful, and highly methodical in your work. Your efficiency will increase so much that others will struggle to keep up with your pace, but you need to curb your tendencies to be extravagant, jealous, and hypocritical at times. You will travel excessively, or do business with people who live far from your home. You’re soon likely to enter a period of financial and professional growth. It’s also a good period to re-assess your investments. Home renovation or construction-related activities will be high on your agenda. Chronic patients definitely need to be more careful about their health. Preventive medicines should not be avoided at any cost.

Lucky Days – Tuesday
Lucky Dates – 1, 10, 22
Lucky Gemstone – Ruby

Share

Tweet

Pin

Taurus (April 20 to May 20)

Due to strong Venus, you will be charming, energetic, elegant, practical, dignified, and ambitious. You will enjoy your independent and free lifestyle in everything that you do. This allows you to gradually move toward your life goals, but you need to check your tendency to be spendthrift, dominating, and restless at times. With full Moon in your sign, this period promises a lot of success and happiness. Whatever you do, your income and efficiency will show remarkable improvement. With romance in the air, your beloved will seek a commitment. Avoid agreeing to be a standing surety or guarantee for others, as it will lead to embarrassment and legal problems. Property-related matters will take shape during the month’s end and prove to be beneficial.

Lucky Days – Saturday
Lucky Dates – 5, 16, 21, 28
Lucky Gemstone – Jade

Share

Tweet

Pin

Gemini (May 21 to June 20)

Due to the strength of sign lord Mercury, you will be confident, responsible, trustworthy, intelligent, and broadminded. You will enjoy intellectual conversation and social service, but you need to control your tendency to be extra nervous and restless at times. An abundance of energy will help you complete many important projects without others’ assistance. Your income will fluctuate more than usual but overall be as expected. Distant travel, perhaps overseas, brings joy and happiness along with a possible reunion with an old contact. Be careful how you handle your partners. New partnerships seem certain, but hasty decisions will bring losses.

Lucky Days – Friday
Lucky Dates – 3, 12, 24
Lucky Gemstone – Diamond

Share

Tweet

Pin

Cancer (June 21 to July 22)

This month, you will be energetic, charming, ambitious, talented, dignified, and highly methodical. You are independent by nature and people admire you for your ability to make bold decisions, but you need to curb your tendency to be stubborn, extravagant, and hasty. Your hectic work schedule leaves little time for socializing this month. However, you will enjoy the time you do get to spend with friends and family members. Your creative ideas will easily attract people, and foreign transactions or related matters will prove beneficial this time. Romance will flourish—some lovebirds will even go for matrimonial alliance. Despite stress and tension, your health will be fine.

Lucky Days – Wednesday
Lucky Dates – 8, 15, 22, 31
Lucky Gemstone – Emerald

Share

Tweet

Pin

Leo (July 23 to August 22)

This December, you will feel bold, energetic, strong, and determined. You’ll be fond of physical comforts, luxuries, and entertainment. Friends will admire you because you are extremely helpful and have a trustworthy nature, but you need to check your tendency to be inconstant and stubborn at times. It is likely that you will start a new venture that will generate income from several sources. The people you will meet through your work will inspire you to do your best. A good flow of finances will improve your living comforts and savings. An infatuation with the opposite sex will come as a surprise, and it will take some time before you start thinking straight again. The health of your parents will cause some concern, but there is nothing to be worried about.

Lucky Days – Sunday
Lucky Dates – 4, 11, 27
Lucky Gemstone – Ruby

Share

Tweet

Pin

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

This December, you will feel active, authoritative, dashing, confident, and energetic. You’ll have a pleasant and charming personality and be fond of an expensive and high-quality lifestyle. There’s nothing wrong with that, but control your tendency to be restless, extravagant, and moody at times. As your financial security will be very important, you’ll take action to increase your earnings. With the help of important people, you will start new ventures, which you develop and see to completion with your hard work and dedication. You might have to travel to a distant place due to work or family obligations. Students will perform well in academics and be rewarded for their contributions to social work. For those who are married, don’t worry: Despite your erratic behavior, your spouse remains cooperative.

Lucky Days – Wednesday
Lucky Dates – 9, 14, 26, 30
Lucky Gemstone – Emerald

Share

Tweet

Pin

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

This December, you will be active, energetic, confident, charming, diplomatic, and highly practical. You are a great thinker, and people from various walks of life seek your advice, but you need to check your tendency to be too outspoken, jealous, and restless at times. You also need to be conservative in your spending and avoid useless luxuries and comforts. You can expect a lot from your family members and not be disappointed. Look forward to a very memorable and romantic time with your beloved. The two of you will develop a deeper understanding and respect for each other. A distant journey later this month seems most certain for some of you.

Lucky Days – Monday
Lucky Dates – 2, 10, 28
Lucky Gemstone – Opal

Share

Tweet

Pin

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

This month, with the strong position of Mars, you will be confident, dynamic, active, bold, creative, and emotional. People who are close to you know that you are a wonderful host and you love to entertain, but you need to control your tendency to be stubborn and extravagant at times. The organization you work for will undergo many changes that will be highly beneficial for you but will also alter your daily routine. Although financial gains will improve, you need to save more, so try to reduce your expenses. Businessmen will find attractive schemes to make quick money. During this period, expecting mothers should take extra care of their health. Proper medication and diet should not be ignored at any cost.

Lucky Days – Tuesday
Lucky Dates – 9, 18, 25
Lucky Gemstone – Red Coral

Share

Tweet

Pin

Capricorn (December 22 to January 19)

With sign lord Saturn about to enter Capricorn, you will have extra energy, enthusiasm, creativity, and discipline in your work. Your determination and hard work single you out, leading you to become an important representative for your organization. People will look to you for inspiration and decisions. You possess enormous capabilities, and your friends and colleagues respect you immensely, but you need to check your tendency to be rigid, extravagant, and jealous at times. You’ll also be in the limelight at social gatherings, where you’ll make new friends and important contacts. Your health seems fine, but even then, it is recommended that you take preventive medication if necessary.

Lucky Days – Saturday
Lucky Dates – 6, 12, 19, 24
Lucky Gemstone – Blue Sapphire

Share

Tweet

Pin

Aquarius (January 20 to February 18)

This month, you will be intelligent, energetic, confident, enthusiastic, and courageous. You possess a sharp memory and amazing technical skills, but you need to check your tendency to be short-tempered and vindictive at times. There may be miscommunication with your employer or seniors this month. Be sure to check your work before you give it to them. Although this will not be an easy period, support and help from friends and family members will fill you with new energy and make things much more comfortable. Gains from property transaction, investments, and gifts cannot be ruled out.

Lucky Days – Saturday
Lucky Dates – 4, 12, 25
Lucky Gemstone – Aquamarine

Share

Tweet

Pin

Pisces (February 19 to March 20)

The strong position of Jupiter will make you authoritative, confident, determined, responsible, and creative. You will have a very fine sense of style, and your clothes will represent your elegant personality. However, you need to curb your tendency to be careless and spendthrift at times. This December, you will enjoy meeting new people and visiting new places. Your creativity will be at its best, and you will have the energy to solve any problem with conviction and dedication. As your beloved will be your major source of inspiration, you should do things that you both enjoy to strengthen your bond. Family members will stand by you and provide love and affection.

Lucky Days – Thursday
Lucky Dates – 3, 12, 21, 29
Lucky Gemstone – Topaz

>>For a private session with Sanjeev Verma, the meditation master, life coach, spiritual master and Vedic astrologer, visit Sanjeevsv.com or call +1-519-721-1234.

The post Your December Horoscope—End the Year on a High Note appeared first on Sonima.

My dad has gone through some hard times with his health in the last year, and it’s really changed his perspective. It seems like he always finds the negative in everything. To be honest, being around him brings me down too. After all he’s been through and at his age, I want him to appreciate the good things he still has. Is there a way to get through to him and change his outlook? And if not, how can I avoid “catching” his negativity when I spend time with him?

Thank you,
Seeking the Positive

Dear Seeking the Positive,

Thank you for writing in. I can feel how much you love and care about your dad. I imagine it is tough to balance holding your care and concern for him while also protecting yourself from his negativity. Your question has a lot of depth, and when I read it, the words of the famous psychologist Rick Hanson came to mind. He teaches that, “the brain is like Velcro for negative experiences, but Teflon for positive ones.” He further points out that our experiences can be shaded by a negativity bias.

In simple terms, the negativity bias is a research-based concept that suggests we humans seem to be more influenced by negative perceptions than by positive ones. Perhaps this is because, as we evolved, noticing threats served our survival better. Threat monitoring makes it so we can take evasive and protective action to stay safe and perpetuate our species. However, the pitfall in this is that if all we notice is the negative, that is the direction in which our attention and energy will go. Therefore, we must be intentional about discovering and seeing the good that is also around us in moments where we are indeed safe.

If we hold this model in mind when we think about your dad, one hypothesis is that the illness may have amplified his predisposition to notice what is negative over what is good. He is on alert mode and perhaps more attuned to what is wrong internally and externally. I know this sort of insight doesn’t make his negativity feel any better for you, but perhaps developing this awareness can call forth greater compassion for where he is at. It also doesn’t mean that you should not address it or set effective boundaries with him. Maintaining healthy boundaries is an act of love, not a punishment. They protect the relationship.

Related: Help Me Save This Friendship

It is true that the extent to which you can transform your dad’s perspective may be limited. He must want that for himself. However, you do have control over how you would like to be in your relationship with him and how you can let go of whatever negative stuff he puts on or around you. It is on this domain that I offer the following contemplation.

A Practice to Focus on the Positive

The first step is to open psychological space and freedom by sitting in stillness and connecting to deep breathing. So take a few wholesome, long, slow, deep breaths that flow down into your belly and pelvis, and draw up some of the natural good healing medicine from the earth. Carry that up through you to awaken compassion in your heart.

Next, call into awareness a recent event that challenged you. Observe what interpretations you hold about this event with respect to yourself, to others, and to the world in general. Notice where you may be caught in some form of negativity. Does this challenging experience spark any negative statements about yourself, others, or the world? Are you judging? Shoulding? Othering? Craving, desiring, or wanting in a way that is perpetuating further hurt or suffering? If so, can you sit in the space of these challenging thoughts and emotions with a soft recognition that it is OK to have them? Then, can you recognize that this is a moment of hurt for you—and allow it? Take a few moments here and be gentle with the breath.

When you feel centered, proceed by setting the intention that you are going to make a conscious move toward growth.

The next step is to reflect on this same experience to determine if you are neglecting other important details of it due to the negativity bias. What parts of the experience may have some good in them? Do not dismiss this possibility without looking. There is likely something good in the situation, or if not in the situation, in the people involved, how you worked your way through it, or how you may be able to grow as a result of the experience. What comes up for you?

When you have identified some good in this experience, then let it steep. Give yourself permission to pause here, letting yourself savor and embody this goodness. Much like it requires time to let a good cup of coffee or loose-leaf tea steep to maximize the delicious flavor, we can let ourselves steep in our positive cognitions, sensations, and emotions resulting from our experiences. When you feel that you have let the positive soak in, take a moment to set an intention to carry this good, healing energy forward with you.

When you are ready, close out the practice by coming back to the breath and having a good, long exhale through the mouth. An audible sigh is a great way to signify the letting go and completely release the meditation.

As you move forward from this practice and in life, stay true to this intention to do your best to stay alert to the good that is happening around in all moments, and put your focus there. The more you focus your lens, the more clearly you will see.

Thank you again for writing in. I wish you the best on your journey!

Warmly,
John

Acknowledgements:
The author wishes to acknowledge the teachings of Rick Hanson, PhD, and Kristin Neff, PhD, for their scholarly contributions that have influenced this author in his own practice and formulating this article and related practice.

The post How to Deal with Negative People appeared first on Sonima.

I often look back on my life and think of all the regrets I have. There’s a list of things I wish I had done instead of what I actually did. What can I do to let go of the past and accept that I cannot change it?

From,
Stuck in the Past

Dear Stuck in the Past,

Thank you for writing in. I think most of us have thought about our personal histories in the way you describe and, indeed, the facts of the past are not something we can change. However, we can improve our relationship to how we currently hold ourselves and our history, and this is what we will focus on here.

In reflecting on our past, we may fall into a trap known as the hindsight bias. This is our tendency to judge our past experiences from the perspective of our current knowledge and skills. This perspective can cause distress. When we apply our existing knowledge to the past, we may conclude that we should have known better or done something different to prevent the thing from happening.

This type of thinking can lead to false conclusions. These erroneous conclusions do not consider the possibility that the adverse event may have happened anyway, or at a different time. Furthermore, we must consider that most people act with their best knowledge and skill set at the time. Therefore, it is unfair to compare your past self to your current, more developed self.

Remembering and understanding this bias is a path toward making peace with the past and freeing up our energy to be intentional in the present moment. The hindsight bias sounds useful from a theoretical stance, but how can we liberate ourselves from unhelpful beliefs we have developed?

The remainder of this article describes a meditative process on how to let go through self-compassion. You will need a quiet space, a journal, and a moderate amount of time to complete this practice with integrity.

A Meditation Practice to Let Go of the Past

1. Take a few moments to quiet down and observe your breathing.

2. When you feel settled, call into attention a memory or event from your past that you feel able and ready to release.

3. When you have this event or memory in your awareness, notice how it affects you. Record what images, physical sensations, emotions, or thoughts come up for you. Typically aspects from our past that haunt us cause some physical tightening, tensing, or gripping in our muscles. You may notice changes in your breathing pattern or perhaps alterations in your heart rate.

It may be helpful to pause here and record your observations. Then, for now, allow your experience to be as it is. There is nothing to do and nowhere to go with it. For the moment, let it be.

Related: How to Meditate Anywhere

4. Inquire within yourself and determine what other significant events may have been going on in your life that may have influenced your past actions. Do this with compassion and without self-blame or judgment. When you feel that you have gathered all this data, take a moment and write it down.

5. Next, reflect on how this event may be impacting how you think about yourself. How does it change your feelings about others or your relationships with them? How does it affect your current view of the world in general? For example, does this thing that you wish you had done contribute to you believing that you are blameworthy or flawed? Do you think that others think less of you? Does this experience shift your belief that the world is mostly a benevolent place where you can have a meaningful life? Again, pause and record your reflections.

6. Once you get these written down, see if you can challenge them. A couple of helpful questions you can ask yourself include: a) Are these 100% accurate interpretations? b) Are they serving your healing or keeping you stuck? If you conclude that these are false beliefs that keep you stuck, then it is a good idea to figure out an alternative version of them.

Challenging these thoughts will enable you to begin to release them. This process can be tricky. A helpful technique comes from self-compassion teacher Kristin Neff. She suggests thinking about what you might tell a close friend if they were suffering in a similar way as you are. I invite you to enter this inquiry and see what you find. Then, when you feel ready, write the statements down.

7. When you are ready for the next stage, shift toward offering the loving and kind statements that you would say to your friend to yourself. Recite these statements to yourself while sitting in meditation. Notice how offering these more loving phrases to yourself may shift your experience in contrast to where you were at the beginning of this entire practice. Again, notice your thoughts, emotions, and the physical sensations in your body. In what ways did bringing this element of self-compassion into your practice shift your experience? Do you feel more able to release the old, habitual ways of thinking about your past and trust in your new perspective?

You will likely have to work this practice several times over and modify it in any way necessary to increase its resonance for you. Take your time and be patient and kind with yourself.

Thank you for writing in with your question. I wish you the best on this journey.

Many blessings,
John

The post Learning to Let Go of the Past appeared first on Sonima.

Like many, I entered the realm of yoga through the gateway of asana practice. What a fantastical entry point! I became mesmerized by the linking of movement with breath, thrilled by the challenges of unfamiliar body positions, obsessed with attaining postures like souvenirs, and coaxed by the calming effects of physical exertion. By the time the “honeymoon” faded, there was no turning back. Instead, the true instruction of yoga began. Practice became the tool with which to explore the depths and shadows of the places I did not want to go.

I ended up writing a children’s book in disguise about this very thing. You see, Young Yogi and the Mind Monsters is actually written for people like me, people who learn best when things are simplified and fun. The book transforms Samadhi Pada—the first chapter of Patanjali’s classic Yoga Sutras—into a whimsical, illustrated story told through the eyes of a little boy called Young Yogi. Patanjali is his friend, and together they have lots to say about the rest of that yoga iceberg. Young Yogi meets all kinds of crazy characters who challenge and enlighten him on his journey of understanding what yoga is really about.

For example, one of the first and most valuable things Patanjali says about suffering is that yoga is the ceasing of the “crazies,” or the turnings of the mind. Once the crazies stop, you can dwell in the truth of your nature. Otherwise, you mistakenly identify with the crazies and their patterns, and you suffer. Young Yogi learns that these “Mind Monsters” are simply self-generated and that his belief in them only enhances their power. Likewise, when he does not believe in them, they cease to exist as a source of suffering.

As the story progresses, Young Yogi continually learns that nothing is as it seems. Bullies become friends, trees become teachers, and his mind becomes a source of liberation.

Ironically, in writing this book, I had to overcome my own Mind Monsters. The same fears, insecurities, and frustrations that plague Young Yogi have plagued me, and, incidentally, they’re many of the same feelings I wanted to avoid on a yoga mat and in life in general. The feeling of not being good enough has been a loud Monster in my life. But being vulnerable, insecure, creatively frozen, and rejected by publishers could not be avoided during this project. Now I see how all these experiences led to growth, self-acceptance, and the availability to face life’s challenges. Young Yogi taught me to love myself anyway, to write anyway, and, most important, to lighten up!

Related: A Meditation for Self-Love and Acceptance from Deepak Chopra

Another big lesson Patanjali shares about practice is to show up and detach or “let it go.” This can obviously be applied to asana practice, but it’s really a principle of life: Show up for each moment and let go for the next. Young Yogi learns this through his righteous surfing guru, Anders, who tells him, “Just, like, practice the right way. A lot. And for, like, a really long time, and without too many breaks. You gotta be total, dude!” Young Yogi learns to show up even when he fails, even when he is fearful and angry or when resistance is strong.

In writing Young Yogi, there were periods of time when I gave up—versions written only to be thrown into the trash, collaborations that failed, and a seemingly endless array of more obstacles to face once the book was actually written. It’s been years in the making. Still, I took the lessons to heart, and I showed up, did my best, and let it go.

Young Yogi finally overcomes the Mind Monsters and learns to live in a state of presence—and with peace of mind and tranquility with what arises—by learning ways to focus his mind or “tame the monsters”. For example, one can chant OM, or focus on the breath, an arising sensation, an inner light, or any desire-less object. Thanks to Patanjali, we have many tools at our disposal.

My own journey with yoga has been a deepening of presence, experiential understanding, and quiet contemplation. I’m indebted to my friend, Young Yogi, who shared so much with me about courage, honesty, and perseverance through the essence of Patanjali’s philosophy. The ceasing of suffering is possible and accessible for anyone, at any age. Coming to know the wisdom of Patanjali through the creation of this book helped me explore the depths beneath the surface, and it is my hope and wish that Young Yogi will do that for you, too.

The post How Writing a Children’s Book Deepened My Yoga Practice appeared first on Sonima.

“You are going to mess this up. You always mess things up,” they say. “You will fail. You ruined things. You are too old to do that. You are not as pretty as her. You are so dumb.”

They are my inner critic. They sound like a narration behind all my activities, but especially the ones that are challenging, difficult, new, and scary.

Sometimes, when I feel a little stronger, I summon some different voices from the depth to challenge them. Sometimes these voices try and conquer the inner critic by force:

“Shut up! You suck! You are wrong! I will succeed! I am smart! I am pretty!”

Sometimes my inner cheerleader tries to reason with my inner critic:

“Yes, I’ve made mistakes, but this time I really think I can do it. This could all go badly, but I still think I should try? Right?”

During these moments, it becomes an epic back-and-forth conversation between the inner critic and the inner cheerleader. These conversations leave me feeling distracted, frenetic, lonely, and exhausted. All I want to do is escape into my phone or eight hours of Netflix.

Sound familiar? We all carry around inner critics who cause us a lot of pain and suffering. The good news is that Buddhist wisdom offers us a way out of this suffering that is different than running away from it or trying to beat it down with force. The way out is through.

Consider this story from Tibetan Buddhist tradition about a monk named Milarepa: Milarepa lived alone in the mountains. On his way back from gathering wood one day, he arrived at his hut to see it filled to the brim with ferocious demons. Demons were on the table, on the floor—they covered every square inch. Milarepa freaked out. He chased the demons around, screaming and throwing things at them. But they only multiplied and became more ferocious.

Milarepa, terrified, got a hold of himself and switched course. “Okay, fine,” he said to them, “If you don’t want to leave, I will teach you the dharma (path of awakening).” He began to read to them from the Buddhist wisdom texts. After a while, Milarepa peeked up from his book. They were all still there, still terrifying, but now staring at him quietly.

Related: The Fascinating Science of Why You’re So Hard on Yourself

“Okay, okay,” he said. “You win. I surrender. You are allowed to stay. I will try and learn from you. Please teach me what you need to teach me.” One by one, they all disappeared with the exception of one, the largest, most ferocious of them all. Milarepa looked at this demon. The demon looked back, growling and snarling with his enormous jaws and fangs. Milarepa walked up to the demon and slowly laid his head down inside the demon’s mouth. The demon stepped back, bowed low to Milarepa, and disappeared.

Our inner demons are just as ferocious and tenacious as Milarepa’s. We live with them in the tiny huts of our minds, and they make us miserable and afraid. Yelling at them and cursing them out will never work. Reasoning with them by trying to use our inner cheerleader and relentless positivity will also never work. Listening to them and learning from them will get us a lot farther, but ultimately, we have to go deeper. We have to go as close as possible to our scariest demon, our meanest inner voice, and surrender.

What might that look like in real life? One of my life-long demons is jealousy. I have struggled with feeling jealous of other people whom I perceive to have more than me, that get more attention than me, or seem better than me in some way. This mostly comes out in relationships, where I have made many partners feel terrible with accusations and fights.

At the same time, for years, I felt so deeply ashamed of that jealousy and so horrified by it that I tried really hard to repress it (“Stop it, Yael! You are being ridiculous!”), to reason with it (“Jealousy is not helpful in this situation”), and even, begrudgingly, to co-exist with it in times of meditation (which has helped, but not entirely). Like Milerapa, the only times my jealousy has actually subsided in major ways have been when—as lovingly as possible—I went as close as possible to the feeling to see what was there.

What did I see when I got real close and cozy? What was in my jealousy? A tremendous fear of not being enough. The deep well of pain from feeling neglected and unseen as a child. Panic about the scarcity of love and my fear of not getting any. When I looked at these pains and fears, my heart opened to the jealousy and the poor little one inside who was feeling it. I tried to mentally wrap my arms around her. “Poor baby,” I said to myself. “Poor jealousy. I’m sorry I’ve been so cruel to you. I am here for you now.”

What does your inner critic look like? What are your pesky, ferocious, terrible demons? Can you summon the bravery to come closer, put down your weapons, and open your heart?

The post How to Work with Your Inner Critic appeared first on Sonima.

Anytime I need to make a decision, it seems that I ask every single person close to me what they think I should do. I tell myself that I want to be fully informed and not miss any “blind spots” before I make a move. But even after I make my decision, I sometimes end up wondering if I did the right thing. Is this normal? And how do I stop all of this overthinking and think for myself?

With gratitude,

Crowd-sourcer

Dear Crowd-sourcer,

I think most of us can relate to your question in that we’ve likely felt challenged by a daunting decision at some point. What comes to me when I reflect on your words is the journey that every person must make toward trusting yourself and overcoming the fear of failing.

Self-trust is developed incrementally across time through practice and experience. My chosen route toward developing self-trust is mindfulness. In this context, mindfulness involves growing familiar with yourself and clarifying your values, wants, and desires. These critical dimensions of self-awareness are necessary to live a values-based and purpose-driven life. These elements are always alive within, and they are there to be discovered or remembered—we simply need to be awakened (or reawakened) to our inner guide.

The meditation practice is a process of lifting away barriers that we’ve built between our inner guide and our conscious awareness. It involves a quieting down in order to allow your inner guide to be heard. Here is a short and simple mindfulness practice, inspired by the work of American philosopher Eugene Gendlin to help move you toward discovering your authentic self and learning to trust yourself.

A Meditation for Learning to Trust Yourself

1. Find a comfortable, safe, quiet, private place where you will not be disturbed. Choose a relaxing position, whether that is sitting, standing, or lying down. Breathe and, if it feels OK for you, close your eyes. If not, practice with a soft gaze.

2. As you breathe, feel the breath as a doorway to presence. Take a few moments to gather your awareness through these natural breaths. Let the breath be exactly as it is. Feel that there is nothing to do in this moment other than settle in and breathe.

3. When you feel that you have reached a centered place, relax a hand or both hands onto your heart. As you do so, notice what you feel physically, mentally, and emotionally. This is your baseline state.

4. Now bring a situation to mind on which you need guidance. I recommend starting with an easier decision rather than a big one.

5. Visualize this situation and, slowly, one by one, imagine the different actions you could take.

6. As you bring these different possibilities and their related actions to mind, notice what feedback you get. Take mind of the thoughts, images, emotions, and sensations in your body.

7. If you explore a particular possibility and feel nothing, that is an indicator to let that option go.

8. Your body will give you a resounding “yes” when you have hit upon what may be a good decision. Spend a few moments sitting with that decision and confirming that it feels right.

When you feel complete with this practice, intentionally come back to your breathing. Close out the practice with a feeling of gratitude for yourself for taking this time to practice. Intentionally release the meditation with an exhale, and return back to your day.

Related: Find the Confidence to Celebrate Your Successes

The Next Step: Take Action

Now it’s time to put your insight from the meditation into practice. Given your question, I want to share a few reflections on how you can frame this stage of the practice.

As human beings, we must accept that we cannot take in an unlimited amount of data about a given situation. We do not have infinite computing capacities, and in most circumstances we are also bound by time. Overthinking a situation can lead to inaction, as we may become frozen.

But life constantly invites us to act. In that action, we must do our best to hold healthy and ethical intentions, consider the available data we have from all sources, decide, act, and ultimately trust that we can be with whatever the outcome is, no matter how difficult. We must also acknowledge and release what is forsaken in our choices. It is our duty to accept that we may miss the mark and to take responsibility when we do, recognizing mistakes as learning opportunities.

Stepping into responsibility like this can absolutely be scary and overwhelming. However, choice and responsibility are what makes our freedom possible.

Warmly,

John

The post Do You Really Trust Yourself? appeared first on Sonima.

Yoga provides specific practices for this purpose: yamas (social observances) and niyamas (personal observances). Yama and niyama are the first two of ashtanga yoga’s eight limbs. When combined with āsana (the practice of postures) and prāṇāyāma (breathing techniques), they help to bring the mind and senses into a state of stable attention. This allows for progression in the later four limbs of yoga, which focus on attaining higher meditative states. Following yama and niyama is the foundation for a yoga practice that allows us to operate smoothly and easily in the world. It provides us with greater mental clarity, freeing up much of the energy that is otherwise wasted when we are out of sync with our physical, mental, and emotional surroundings.

Many people are familiar with the five yamas and five niyamas outlined in Patanjali’s Yoga Sutras, but other hatha yoga texts such as the Hatha Yoga Pradipika of Svātmarāma and the Yoga Yājñavalka include additional yamas and niyamas. These are also outlined in Krishnamacharya’s Yoga Makaranda, originally published in 1934.

Although the practice of the yamas will positively affect those around us, the main aim is for our internal transformation, which is essential for progression beyond the physical aspects of yoga practice. Additionally, by practicing the other limbs of ashtanga yoga, we will be able to bring greater perfection to each of the yamas, bringing greater clarity, peace, and joy in all our relationships. Below are six additional yamas not listed by Patanjali.

1. Kṣamā can be translated as patience or forgiveness. When we forgive, we relinquish the hold that past experience has on the mind and emotions. We are no longer bound by that experience. Kṣamā allows us to understand our situation from a broader perspective and to live more easily in the present moment.

Related: The Unique Power of Forgiveness on Your Health

2. Dhṛtiḥ means holding, seizing, keeping, supporting, firmness, constancy, resolution, will, or command. It can also have the meaning of satisfaction, contentment, or joy. In order to find success in any path, it is necessary to have a firm and unwavering conviction in what we do. When that steadfastness also has as an essence of satisfaction and contentment in the chosen path, the chances of maintaining our conviction, even in the face of obstacles, increase many times. Although dhṛtiḥ is not included in Patanjali’s list of yamas, he alludes to both its aspects in sūtra 1:14 when he states: “sātu dīrgha kāla nairantarya satkāra ādara āsevito dṛḍabhūmiḥ (practice becomes firmly established when it done for a long time, without interruption and with devotion and respect/enthusiasm).”

3. Dayā is sympathy or compassion. Being truly compassionate requires looking deeply into the hearts of others and trying to feel their experiences first-hand. We should try to see ourselves in others, and others within ourselves. Those great yogis who recognize that we are all an expression of the same consciousness and who experience unity within all beings are a perfect example of dayā. Patanjali’s sūtras on pratipakṣabhāvanam allude to dayā when he explains the importance of taking an opposing viewpoint in order to counteract our negative thoughts (vitarkas) and emotions.

4. Ārjava means straight, honest, sincere, or straightforward. We practice ārjava by aligning thought, speech, and action into one. The more we practice yoga and follow dharma, the more easily this process comes about. Ārjava is also described as meekness or humility. The mantra “idam na mama,” meaning, “This is not mine,” is uttered after making offerings during Vedic ceremonies. We should not gloat and say, ”Look what I have done,” but relinquish our ownership of any good results. Another smṛti text says, ”dharmaḥ kṣarati kīrtanāt,” meaning, “A virtue is spent by being made known through one’s own lips.” The attitude of a yogi should be that what we do is done happily for the good of all, and not for the purpose of recognition.

Related: The Power of Selfless Service

5. Mitāhāra means that one should not overeat, instead eating only the amount and types of food necessary to maintain good health and which are supportive of our sādhana (practice). Food should be simple, pure, and nourishing, but it is also very important not to become overly obsessed with diet. Food is sacred, it should be received with an attitude of reverence and thankfulness, and it should not be wasted. Regularity in eating is also very helpful for yoga practice. Consider the following śloka, which is mentioned as being quoted by Śrīdhara Swāmi in the Bhagavata Purana (Gita Press 1971): “dvau bhāgau pūrayedannaistoyenaikaṃ prapūrayet mārutasya pracārārthaṃ caturthamavaśeṣayet” (or “One should fill two-quarters of one’s belly with [articles of] food and one quarter with water. The fourth should be kept empty for the free passage of air”).

6. Śauca is cleanliness. External (bahir) or physical cleanliness refers not only to the body but also the surrounding environment, while internal (antara) cleanliness refers to a state of mental purity. Through external cleanliness, we become aware that the body is in a continual state of decay, resulting in a level of detachment from the physical body. At the same time, internal cleanliness results in an increase in mental clarity, greater control of the senses, and a vision or awareness of one’s own ātman or Self, the source of purity from within. Although there is indifference to the physical body, we will desire to maintain it in as pure state as possible in order to allow the full expression of the ātman.

Patanjali lists śauca as a niyama rather than a yama. He notes that attention to śauca will bring about saumanasya, or a state of gladness or cheerfulness in the mind. Therefore we should be careful not to become obsessive or puritanical in śauca.

The post Yoga Yamas: 6 Additional Yamas to Deepen Your Yoga Practice appeared first on Sonima.

I’ve been a perfectionist my whole life. I feel like I could always be doing better, and when someone else points out a mistake I’ve made, I mentally beat myself up for weeks. Is there a way to stop this rumination and learn to move on after I make an error or disappoint myself?

Signed,

Little Miss Perfect

Dear Little Miss Perfect,

You raise numerous concerns that speak to our need as humans to do our best, be effective, get things done correctly, and please others in the process. Naturally, when things don’t go as planned, we can get caught in self-blame and feel criticized and judged. If left unchecked, this can make us feel stuck and depressed.

It may help to deepen your awareness of how your thoughts, emotions, and related behaviors act in relationship, so I offer the below method, which draws from cognitive behavioral therapy.

The Thought-Emotion-Behavior Triangle

Usually our experience goes something like this:

1. There is an event that happens to us.
2. We have a thought or thoughts about the event.
3. We have an emotion about what happened and the thoughts we’re having about it.
4. Usually these additional thoughts result in more emotions about what happened, which may fuel further thinking about what happened, which then creates additional emotions on top of the original emotions. This can repeat many times over.
5. This entire chain then leads us to engage in a behavior. This behavior, as well as our thoughts and emotions, can be either positive or negative.

This model can be pictured using the Cognitive Triangle.

Share

Tweet

Pin

In this triangle, the event is in the center, and in response to that event we have think, feel, and do at each point of the triangle. The arrowed lines of the triangle reflect how each corner of the triangle is in a bilateral relationship to the other corners. This means that by exerting changes on one point of the triangle, we can bring changes to the other sides as well. So, by changing our thoughts, we can change our feelings and behaviors, and the same applies to any combination of the three.

The components of your situation are:

1. Event: someone points out a mistake you’ve made
2. Thinking: “I could always do better”
3. Feeling: disappointment
4. Doing: a) mentally beat yourself up for weeks; b) ruminate

Is the Thought Helpful?

Next, you want to examine these components. Ask yourself:

1. Is the thought “I could always do better” accurate?
2. Is it helpful?

To answer these questions, it may help to see if the thought fits any of the following categories of unhelpful thinking styles:

• Filtering out the positive and letting in only the negative: letting your entire view of the situation be tainted by negatives.
• Jumping to conclusions: fortune-telling or assuming we know what will happen in a situation or what others are thinking.
• Taking things personally or taking on more blame than is warranted in a situation.
• Catastrophizing: assuming a situation is much worse than it is.
• All-or-nothing thinking: viewing a situation as either perfect or completely ruined, or thinking a person is either all good or all bad.
• “Shoulding” (in an unhelpful way). For example, “I should always get things right the first time.”
• Overgeneralizing: assuming what was in the past will always be the way of the present and future.
• Labeling: putting ourselves or others in a “box.”
• Emotional reasoning: making decisions based upon emotional impressions only. For example, if you feel bad, then you may think that anything you do will not feel good or be fun. You let your emotions taint the moment for the worse.
• Amplifying or minimizing: amplifying the positive traits you see in others and minimizing the good you perceive in yourself.

If your thought fits one of the categories, that is good evidence that it is unhelpful and is not serving you in a positive way.

Related: The Surprising Upside to Negative Thinking

Shifting Your Thinking

Having taken time to reflect on your thought, is there another way that you can think about your situation?

For example, can you try removing the word “always” from your thought and get more specific to the circumstance at hand? It is likely that there have been situations in which you could have performed better, as well as situations where you gave your all and that was enough.

Notice how I am specifying the situation’s nature of the thought, rather than generalizing the thought to all situations. “Sometimes” is usually more accurate than “always”. The key is to create a more balanced and realistic thought that does not fall into any of the unhelpful thinking styles above. Take time to workshop your new thought.

Once you come up with it, check how you feel after having that thought. Does your behavior shift also? For example, you may notice that you feel relief, and instead of ruminating and beating yourself up, you simply get on with your day with a clearer mind and a relaxed body.

Another approach is to reframe your thinking about mistakes into learning opportunities. Rather than beating yourself up, can you get curious about how this situation is grist for the mill? What can you learn from it that can lead to greater mastery in the future? This helps move you toward a growth mindset instead of a fixed one.

The last point I’d like to discuss is how to get out of rumination when you are in it. Like anything, there are numerous methods that can be utilized. I suggest a very simple concept called objectifying the thought. (This exercise is from The Relaxation and Stress Reduction Workbook by New Harbinger Publications. Kindle Edition.)

When you notice you are caught in rumination, choose one of those worrisome thoughts and objectify it by visualizing it coming into form: What colors does it have? What shape? If the thought had a smell, what would it be? Is it an object that has a sound? Would this thought have a certain flavor or taste?

By putting the thought into an objective form, you can visualize acting upon it to release it. For example, perhaps the thought appears as a storm cloud in the sky that has lightning and thunder. You can then imagine that by connecting to your breath and using deep breathing, you can blow these storm clouds away and visualize sunlight brightening the now open blue sky.

We covered quite a lot of material. Take time to play with these concepts and practices. Approach this material from that growth mindset with your goal being to learn and grow, rather than worry and dwell. You will know when your process has yielded a good enough solution because you will feel better and freer. Trust yourself.

I thank you so much for writing in and entrusting me with your question. I wish you the best on your journey.

Warmly,

John

The post Break the Cycle of Perfectionism appeared first on Sonima.

After introducing the yamas and niyamas, Patanjali then states in sūtra 2.33, “vitarkabādhane pratipakṣabhāvanam,” which translates to, “One must cultivate a mental attitude that counteracts the doubts and uncertainties that trouble us.”

Here, Patanjali refers to doubts and uncertainties (vitarkas) that arise when we have begun to integrate the yamas and niyamas into our lives. These vitarkas result in thoughts and actions that contradict the yamas and niyamas. Although the same kinds of vitarkas had previously been present in our lives, now that we are following the path of yoga we must try to overcome them. At these times Patanjali says that we should cultivate an opposite mental attitude (pratipakṣa-bhāvanam) in order to counteract or annul (bhādane) those negative thoughts and tendencies as well as their resulting actions.

The next sūtra, 2.34, explains the kinds of vitarkas that arise and their consequences: “vitarkāḥ himsādayaḥ kṛta kāritā anumoditāḥ lobha krodha mohapūrvakāḥ mṛdu madhya adhimātrāḥ duḥkha ajñāna anantaphalāḥ iti pratipakṣabhāvanam,” or, “Those vitarkas such as violence etc., that we commit, condone, or enjoy vicariously are rooted in greed, anger, and delusion. They can be mild, medium, or excessive. Their consequences are endless suffering and ignorance. So contemplation on their opposites should be done.”

Previously we may have ignored these vitarkas, allowing ourselves to become caught up in the drama that they bring. But as we practice the yamas and niyamas and devote more time to yoga practice, we begin to become more sensitive to the presence of these negative mental influences. Patanjali tells us that the consequence of allowing them to go unchecked will be endless suffering and ajñāna, or spiritual ignorance.

It is not enough to curb the negative actions that result from these vitarkas, but we must also not condone those kinds of actions by others. Even vicarious enjoyment of the pain of others should be recognized and avoided. Yet the vitarkas can be very deeply rooted in the mind. Patanjali’s solution is to perform pratipakṣa-bhāvanam—to contemplate the opposite perspective or to produce a feeling that counters the current one.

Related: The Power of Our Personal Narratives

By taking the view of the opposite side in any situation, we gain a different perspective. For instance, when I am approached by someone in the street asking me for money, I may have a negative reaction. But if I meet the same person when volunteering at a soup kitchen and hear their story, I will most likely gain a very different perspective. In the second scenario, I have allowed myself to experience an opposite viewpoint, or a pratipakṣa-bhāvana, that is helpful in dispelling my vitarkas of prejudice.

In Sharathji’s recent article, he writes about the importance of this kind of seva, or service to others. The above example shows how seva not only benefits those that we serve, but also that it is extremely beneficial in helping us overcome our own mental obstacles.

Following the idea of pratipakṣa-bhāvana further, we can begin to explore another layer of meaning. When contemplating two differing viewpoints of the same situation, we may begin to experience in a tangible way that the relative truth of either side of an argument is simply part of a greater unity of the whole. That is, there is a bigger picture in which these differing perspectives are simply “two wings” of the same bird.

We have examples of realized people who have become established in this mode of being to such an extent that they continually experience this unity within all of life. Some perfect examples would be the Buddha, the Jain saints, or the Indian saint Ramana Maharshi. In sūtra 1.37, Patanjali recommends that we contemplate on such people in order to overcome obstacles in yoga: “vītarāgaviṣayaṃ vā cittam,” or “(Fix) the mind on a person (vītarāgā) that has abandoned attraction.”

The vītarāgas mentioned in this sūtra are highly spiritually-evolved souls who abandoned all attachments and were able to follow the yamas and niyamas perfectly. By focusing our minds on such people, we too are able to gain an insight into this ideal, which is extremely helpful for stabilizing our minds and overcoming our own vitarkas.

I was reminded of this sutra recently when I found myself increasingly frustrated and upset by the current political landscapes worldwide that are filled with so much division. At some point I decided to set aside listening to the news and instead to read the Rāmāyana. The protaganists, Rāma and Sīta, are both great souls filled with dharma who always follow the path of righteousness without any arrogance or pride. Both are perfect examples on which to meditate. Reading and contemplating their story was the perfect pratipakṣa-bhāvana, helping me to return my mind to a clear and stable perspective.

The post Pratipaksha-bhāvana: Overcoming Negative Thinking appeared first on Sonima.

If a loved one asks something of me, I’m immediately there to help them. Yet I feel that if I asked them for a favor or expressed my true needs, I’d be burdening them. I tell myself I’m fine going with the flow, but then I sometimes feel angst for not asking what I want. What can I do to become more comfortable speaking up about my needs—and not feel like a burden when I do?

Thank you,
A Friend in Need

Dear A Friend in Need,

Thank you for writing in. It sounds like you are a very caring and compassionate person who is there for your loved ones. You are also aware that it is easier for you to give than to receive. Or perhaps it’s more accurate to say that it is difficult for you to ask, and therefore you do not have the opportunity to receive. In either case, I think many readers can relate to your angst.

I can tell you it is no burden for me to contemplate your situation. I also want to reflect to you that writing in about this challenge is a successful step toward moving through your fear. I encourage you to take pause and notice how you feel hearing this feedback. You are not a burden for asking me your question. In fact, reflecting on your question is a growth opportunity for me to think about how I give to others and receive in return.

There are a few areas for you to explore. But first note that usually one’s current belief structure has roots in one’s past. Uncovering that is beyond what I can offer you in a brief article. However, if that idea sparks your curiosity, I recommend working with a psychotherapist to delve into it.

Now, the first area to explore is recognizing that your avoidance of asking for support is essentially robbing you of opportunities to receive the support you need and to overcome feeling like a burden.

In naming the avoidance, the next step is to connect to your courageous self so you can set up opportunities to practice asking others for help and support. Essentially what we are doing here is skill-building, and all skill-building takes practice and more practice until it becomes habit.

Identify safe and kind others in your life of whom you feel comfortable asking. Once you have, it’s best to scale your requests and those whom you ask. This means to start with very small and safe requests from the kindest of people in your life. This will set you up for success that will build your confidence. With each success, you want to raise the stakes by moving up your fear hierarchy to a slightly less familiar person. The result is that you will feel comfortable making requests of whomever you would like.

It will be valuable to track your successes along this path and to use them as counter-evidence to your belief that you are a burden to others. Take time to reflect on the fact that others are responding to your requests positively. Come up with related positive self-statements affirming this new reality that others do care about you and are working to support you. This could be as simple as, “Others care about me and support me.” Then rate the believability of this new statement on a scale from 0 to 10. At first your rating may be lower, but over time, with more success, your rating will likely increase.

Of course, as part of this process you must also be OK when someone says no. The key when we are met with a “no” is not to take it personally. Everyone has a right to say no to our requests, just like we have a right to say no to theirs. Being in relationships is a balance of give and take, so we must be willing to compromise and negotiate in situations where there is not a “yes.” This goes back to the word “practice,” which involves repetition in the service of proficiency and mastery of a skill. Even “no” situations are growth opportunities. They present us with a window into how we work with frustration and how we can channel that energy into further psychological development.

By working with and through your fear, you are strengthening the psychological “muscles” of self-esteem, self-worth, confidence, mindfulness, and interpersonal effectiveness. Each of these domains is important and interconnected to build healthy and meaningful relationships. Furthermore, in learning how to ask for what you need from others, you will unburden yourself and them from the resulting frustration and disappointment that comes with being unfulfilled.

Related: Are You Over-Communicating in Your Relationship?

I hope you find these suggestions helpful. In implementing them, it will be important to practice patience, compassion, and kindness toward yourself and others. If you would like to delve deeper, I would recommend working with a cognitive behavioral therapist who can support you as you navigate this process.

I wish you the best and thank you for writing in!

Warmly,
John

The post Finding the Courage to Ask Others for Help appeared first on Sonima.

When I first discovered I was pregnant with my son, I went through the full gamut of emotions—excited, nervous, terrified, anxious, and elated. I prepared his nursery, bought a few onesies, pre-registered at the hospital, took a mildly helpful birth class, and considered myself ready.

I had 17 years of meditation practice under my belt going into motherhood. I figured, how different can motherhood be from the other upheavals of everyday life? How hard will it be to meet life with presence and awareness with babies, when I have been training at it for so long?

Turns out, extremely different, and extremely hard. In my experience of having two kids 15 months apart, I can say that motherhood hit like a semi-truck and dragged me down a road of complete confusion and disorientation (with a healthy wallop of sleep deprivation) for two years before I felt like I got some of my footing back.

Now that I am somewhat steadier, I want to share my top three pieces of advice, as well as accompanying meditations to help you on your parenting journey. My hope is to help prepare you for this transition or, at the least, assure you that you are not alone.

Parenthood Lesson #1: There Is More to Babies Than Meets the Eye

Mindfulness tip: Forgive yourself and ask for help

It was 2 a.m. My 15-month-old was waking up every three hours with a 103-degree fever. My 3-week-old was refusing to breastfeed, waking up every few hours and screaming inconsolably and almost perfectly coordinated to the moment that I finally got my other son to sleep. My husband screamed into his pillow. I thrust my screaming baby at him and went to sob on the dirty bathroom floor.

Those days, my husband and I battled daily about who was acting more like a baby. The truth was, we both were. We were pouring every ounce of parental energy and care into our children, leaving us feeling parched for care ourselves.

When I stopped thinking of my desire to be cared for as an embarrassing inconvenience and more like a necessity, two things changed. First, I started to be kinder and gentler to myself during the course of the day, forgiving my messy house, my pile of endless laundry, and the fact that I let my son repeatedly lick the side of the garbage pail because it kept him quiet.

I asked myself the question, “What can I do for you right now? How can I cushion this very hard time?” Sometimes that was just a deep breath. Sometimes it was a trip to the coffee shop. It didn’t matter what exactly it was. The self-kindness was all that mattered.

Second, I started asking for help like it was my job. I asked family, friends, local mothers groups, acquaintances, and even Facebook for babysitting, advice, food, and even comfort. I have never been much of a help-asker, but when I started considering the multiple babies in my house (especially my husband and me), and the sheer impossibility of surviving alone, I summoned up the strength to ask. A surprising number of times, people came through. And even when they couldn’t, it still felt good to ask without shame.

Parenthood Lesson #2: You Are Going Through a Massive Change

Mindfulness tip: Try to be patient

Pre-motherhood, I thought that having a baby would be kind of like buying a new couch for my home. It was a big investment. It would bring a lot of comfort to my life. It would require upkeep. But ultimately, I would still be me, and the couch would be the couch.

Instead, having a baby changed the molecular structure of who I am as a person. Being a mother was not just “Yael + baby”. The math of motherhood transformed the being that was “Yael” into someone that was almost unrecognizable. My body was completely different, with new folds and cushions that didn’t exist before. My mind was filled with thrashing to-do lists, new and urgent fears, and a disorienting sense of time passing both too slowly and too quickly.

In my old life, my daily meditation was the place where I centered myself. Now, in the rare moments I could take to formally meditate, I never made it very far out of mental grocery lists and diaper orders. I was reeling, inside and out.

It took a while to realize the colossal change that becoming a parent would bring. I clung to the baby-as-couch idea far after it became clear that motherhood was something much more radical and transformative than I imagined. Realizing this and accepting the grief that came with the death of the old life, I could slowly step into my life with more patience, curiosity, and even surprising joy.

Related: Think You Don’t Have Time to Meditate? Try This

You will not be the same post-babies. Even if you did not give birth to them, you will be transformed in ways you don’t yet see. Try and be patient as your life and your old sense of self dissolves and rearranges.

Parenthood Lesson #3: Your Spiritual Path and Your Life Are Not Separate

Mindfulness tip: Be present

Scrolling through Instagram on maternity leave, a newborn sleeping lightly on my lap, I was awash in jealousy for the gorgeous photos of people doing yoga on distant beaches, emerging bright and glowing from meditation retreats. I was aware of the irony of that jealousy, since for decades I had felt it while looking at photos of people in my exact situation with newborn babies, but there you go. Jealousy isn’t exactly obedient to logic.

I met with a spiritual director during this time. After listening to me whine about missing my practice and wishing I could go on a retreat, she looked me in the eyes and said, “Yael, your spiritual life is not different than your real life.” I felt the truth of it hit me like a lightning bolt. Of course! I was looking for wisdom and insights and freedom everywhere except right where it has always been—in the present moment. Life, as it is.

Re-adjusting my vision to see my life with the babies as my practice, I started noticing a lot. I saw the pain and the beauty of impermanence as my sons grew out of their clothes and learned new skills. I felt the vulnerability and the heart-expanding love beyond the borders of the self when staring in their eyes or holding their tiny warm bodies. I felt the suffering of resisting life when I clenched up against the unfolding of my life as a mother, and the release of that suffering when I softened into it and opened up to the flood of feelings underneath.

Related: The Healing Power of Self-Care Through Ayurveda

Your spiritual life is your everyday life. The two are not separate. If you notice you are fighting with life, pushing against the truth of how things are, escaping into your phone or running away in your mind, see if you can gently, courageously come back to the present moment. Even if it’s painful, you will suffer less and notice more. Life is right here, waiting for you.

The post 3 Meditations to Help Moms Embrace the Transition to Motherhood appeared first on Sonima.

The even better news: It’s contagious. In a Harvard University study, researchers discovered what they dubbed the “Mother Teresa Effect”: Simply witnessing acts of kindness (such as those performed by Mother Teresa) may have a positive physiological response, even potentially improving immune function. Who knew kindness could be such a fulfilling spectator sport?

Here are three ways you can incorporate random acts of kindness into your daily life to be more present, release stress, and make a positive impact on others. After each act, journal about what you did and how it made you feel. Soon you’ll have a feel-good book full of inspiration for yourself and others, proving that you can be the joy you wish to see in the world. And keep in mind that these are just a handful of ways you can harness and multiply your joy; the options are endless.

1. Use your voice for good

How many times a day do you admire something about someone—strangers included—and keep it to yourself? Now imagine the impact of expressing those lovely thoughts. People around you would feel good, breathe a little easier, stand a little taller, and maybe even share some of their own kind words with the world. And you’d likely experience what psychologists call the “helper’s high,” a state of euphoria based on a theory that giving releases endorphins in the brain, leaving us with an emotional high.

Try it:

• Carve out time for “appreciations” in a work meeting or at the family dinner table. Verbalizing what you’re grateful for in others will have exponential returns.
• Go out of your way to offer thoughtful compliments to those around you, taking care to be inclusive to those who may be easily overlooked in today’s youth- and beauty-obsessed society.
• Scroll through your social media feed and, instead of playing the comparison game, choose to champion others by dropping words of encouragement in the comments.
• Show the love. Write LinkedIn recommendations for colleagues or Yelp and Facebook reviews for your favorite small businesses and entrepreneur friends.

2. Give from a place of abundance

They say it is better to give than to receive; a study from the University of Texas at Austin and Duke University reported that people who practice kindness by volunteering experience less anxiety, depression, and pain, and those 55 or older were 44 percent less likely to die.

Sometimes we may think that we don’t have enough time or financial resources to be generous with others, but random acts of joy don’t need to take a lot of time or cost a thing. This is where creativity comes in. When we give from a place of abundance, knowing that there is more than enough for everyone, we receive so much in return, better health included.

Try it:

• Connect with your local Buy Nothing group to give your unwanted items a new home. This is also a great way to meet your neighbors and build community.
• Store some small bags with fresh socks, protein bars, bottled water, and personal care items in your car. Offer them along with a kind smile to people in need as you encounter them. It feels so good for them to be seen.
• Gather the children in your life and set up an old-fashioned lemonade stand with a twist: Thirsty customers may pay only in jokes. Giggles abound.
• Show up at a nearby ball game or school graduation and cheer loudly, especially for the kids who may not have anyone present.
• Form an unofficial welcoming committee and hold up a banner in the arrivals section of your city’s airport. This is especially fun to do during the holidays when there’s an abundance of travelers.

Related: A Yogic Meditation on Love and Kindness

3. Play well with others

During heavy times and full weeks, play is the perfect anecdote to adulting. The ever-popular hashtag #SundayFunday is a weekly reminder that so many of us just want to let loose. Playful people are reported to have less stress and more coping strategies to adapt to life’s changes. So channel your inner child and get nostalgic about the things you loved to do when you were younger. Once you’ve decided on your shenanigans, it’s time to invite someone to come outside and play.

Try it:

• Bring coloring books, play-doh, and board games to your local senior center, and witness the wondrous sparkle in their eyes.
• Use sidewalk chalk to write encouraging phrases or draw hopscotch squares in a public place and watch to see who jumps in.
• Use an extension cord to move your TV outside, pop some popcorn, set up blankets, and invite your neighbors to watch some good ol’ cartoons.
• Share your most treasured books and volunteer to read aloud to patients at a local hospital.

The post 3 Easy Ways to Spark Joy Without Cleaning a Thing appeared first on Sonima.

I have great anxiety around the passage of time. I suppose you could call it “fear of missing out”. The days, months, and years seem to be passing so quickly, and I feel like I haven’t done all the things I assumed I would do by now. The thought that I’m wasting my life keeps me up at night. Why do I feel like this? How can I break free of these thoughts?

Signed,

FOMO

Dear FOMO,

Thank you for writing with a question that I think many readers will identify with. I think of your question as being an existential signal that something important is happening in your psyche right now that needs attention. Further, rather than trying to “break free” from these challenging thoughts and feelings, I propose that you listen to them and engage with them to determine what they are trying to communicate to you.

The feeling you’re having is an invitation and an opportunity for you to notice—without judgment—if something in your life is off course right now. Or if in some way you have disconnected from the creative and authentic part of yourself that is longing to be expressed. If so, then now is the time to redirect your energy back to what is important to you.

In his book To Bless the Space Between Us: A Book of Blessings, John O’Donohue writes, “Each of us is an artist of our days; the greater our integrity and awareness, the more original and creative our time will become.”

You are an artist, and now is the time to reestablish integrity and awareness so you can fulfill your heart’s desire. The contemplative process below is something that we all should do from time to time to keep ourselves grounded in our values and to direct our lives from these values.

In the following meditation practice, we will begin with a reflection from a “bird’s eye view,” and then you will further workshop what you discover in your meditation to create actionable steps. Of course, only you can decide exactly what steps you would like to take based upon what you discover in this process.

A Meditation for Meaning and Purpose in Life

1. Clear a space for practice. Turn off your devices and put them away. Tell anyone in your living environment that you are entering a sacred space and are not to be distracted or interrupted. If you tell yourself, “I don’t have time for this” or “I can’t do it,” then you are not ready to take this step. That is OK. Other things will need to happen first in your life to be open to this path. This time that you are creating—not finding—for yourself is the most important executive meeting of your life. This is the kind of helpful intensity that is needed to live on an authentic, spiritual path.

2. When you have your space established, take time to get comfortable, whether you choose to sit, stand, or lie down. Settle into a natural breathing pattern. There’s nothing to do and nothing to change; simply let things be.

3. Intentionally feel your body connected to the earth or whatever is supporting you. Place one or both hands on your heart. Connect to your heart and recognize this heart space as a place of inherent and bountiful love and acceptance.

4. When you feel that you have reached a place of stillness and center, pose to your heart (your wisdom body): What is needed most for me right now to (re)connect to meaning and purpose in my life?

5. Now simply observe what comes up from this question with utmost curiosity. Note: Please recognize that in this type of process, everything is relevant, from thoughts that make no sense to spontaneous discomfort in the body, to ancient memories or flashes of images in the mind, to even what is happening around you. For example, you may sit down to do this meditation and the construction crew starts jackhammering away outside your window, and suddenly you’re upset, distracted, and have lost the practice. This is all “grist for the mill.” You must love everything and embrace all the obstacles as essential parts of the practice. Sit with everything that arises and take note of it all; you are data-gathering.

Related: How Making Mental Space Can Unlock Your Purpose

6. When you feel that you have gathered ample data for this session, connect back to your breathing and make a gentle and intentional transition out of the meditation. I prefer to use the energy of an exhale to release the contemplative state.

7. Once you come out of the meditation, write everything down in a journal right away so you don’t lose anything. Do not worry about grammar, punctuation, or completing sentences, just put the data down.

8. Analyze what you wrote, keeping in mind that this analysis is more creative than scientific. Play around with putting things in a different order or ranking them. You may order things from more “broad” or “global” insights that pertain to your life in general to more “specific” data points, such as items that point to one domain in your life, such as family.

9. Translate these items into action items that need to be taken in your life to address the question “What is most needed right now?” If you have trouble figuring out how to arrange your “findings” write out “goals” that address the domains of mind, body, spirit, relationships, and vocation. For example, a goal that addresses the mind might be to take time for a simple breathing meditation for a few minutes each day to enable the opportunity to release mental “clutter.” This goal may address something like a feeling in meditation that your mind is everywhere and can’t stay focused. A body goal may be to exercise for X number of minutes per day to address feelings of physical fatigue in meditation and restlessness at night.

Related: What Does the Universe Want from Me?

10. After you write out all of the above, it is time to summarize what you found in a kind of mission statement for your life. I recommend keeping it simple, actionable, and measurable. If it is too complex, you may never begin. If it is too theoretical, you won’t know what to do to bring it to fruition. If it is not measurable, how will you know you are accomplishing your goals?

11. Please be willing to repeat this practice as many times as needed or vary it according to what works best for you. Please do not be discouraged if you try it a few times and nothing happens. Patience is part of the path. I suspect that as you work, this practice will reignite the purpose-driven life that those challenging thoughts and feelings may have started to diminish. Recognize them as helpers. They are your friends calling out to you to come back to yourself.

As we close out, I pose to you the question that the poet Mary Oliver gave to us all at the end of her poem “The Summer Day”:

… what is it you plan to do
With your one wild and precious life?

I thank you for writing in, and I wish you the best on this journey.

Warmly,
John

The post Live With No Fear of Missing Out appeared first on Sonima.

Whenever I accomplish anything or something exciting happens to me, I find that I downplay it to my family and friends. I feel embarrassed when they ask me about any successes that I’ve had because I don’t want to seem like I’m bragging—even about normal things like a small promotion or buying a new car. Is it something that I should change? And if so, how?

Thank you,

Humble Brag

Dear Humble Brag,

Thank you for writing in. You ask an important question that is tied to a psychological need we all have to appropriately feel good about ourselves and confident in our talents, abilities, and contributions to the world.

You are right in implying that most people do not want to be considered a bragger or be thought of as overly boastful or arrogant. The very fact that you are sensitive to how others perceive you leads me to believe that you are not likely at risk of being these such things. Furthermore, your discomfort is a familiar feeling that many folks have, so rest assured you are not alone.

In response to your question, if your hesitancy to share your success is something to change, I sense that you are aware that this behavioral trait limits your happiness and fulfillment in your relationships with family and friends. Therefore, let’s explore how you can grow more confident about celebrating yourself.

Meaningful and sustainable change in many cases is built on a foundation of self-love and self-acceptance. Existing in a state of constant self-judgment and blame robs one of the vital life energy that is needed to put one foot in front of the other and take the first step toward transformation. Therefore, the foundational work is to hold a compassionate and loving space for oneself and say “yes” to life’s challenges. This is counter-intuitive to our more instinctual tendency to avoid the hard stuff. The moving toward what is real is a mindfulness practice.

The mindfulness practice that I would like for you to try involves four steps. The first two steps are contemplative and include meditation, and the last two are about putting the discoveries of that meditation into action.

1. Quiet down in meditation. (If the concept of meditation is new for you or sounds too esoteric, sit down in a quiet space where you will not be distracted and focus on your breathing.) When you feel settled, bring into awareness a recent experience that you feel comfortable working with in which you had a success or accomplishment, such as those examples you gave in your question like getting a small promotion. When you have this experience in your awareness, let it be there and move to the next step.

2. Connect to how you feel about your accomplishment. Spend a wholesome amount of time really savoring how amazing this experience is. This is a counter move to what I am guessing you usually do, which is gloss over your positive feelings and/or minimize them or dismiss them outright. Pay careful attention to how you are experiencing these positive emotions, feel this beautiful sense of fulfillment, and take note of and let yourself have the full array of pleasant thoughts and feelings. Becoming familiar with and allowing yourself to celebrate you and your accomplishments are vital steps to being able to share those very things with your loved ones. Once you have practiced this step several times over and feel confident, move to step three.

3. Use your findings from step two to share your accomplishment with a trusted family member or friend. You may find it helpful at first to rehearse this on your own or have a script to follow. I recommend including something like, “I am so excited to tell you about this amazing thing that I did…” Develop your own authentic language about your achievement. Remember that this step is a practice and it does not have to go perfectly. It is OK to fumble or stumble over your words. We must recognize that whenever we are trying to take a growth step, it takes commitment and practice, which means repetition and a non-judgmental attitude. After you have told your loved one about your experience, you are ready for step four.

4. In the presence of your loved one, truly enjoy and relish the positive feelings of what you achieved. Celebrate yourself even if your partner does not respond as you expect. Feeling good about yourself and your positive accomplishments is a healthy and vital part of your development.

Repeat the above practice as many times as feels right for you to solidify this new way of being in the world. It is essential to celebrate yourself and your achievements to keep up your excitement and zest for life.

Many blessings,
John

Related: A 5-Minute Meditation to Start Building Your Practice

The post Find the Confidence to Celebrate Your Successes appeared first on Sonima.